Some Inspiration

"We tend to forget that our real gift is not so much what we can do, but who we are. The real question is not 'what can we offer each other?' but 'who can we be for each other?'."
--Henri Nouwen

This quote is currently hanging above my computer as a daily reminder that my focus should not be on the doing, but on the being. I am God's child.

Loved.

Redeemed.

Accepted.

Purified.

Safe.

How I respond to situations and the kinds of choices I make are a direct reflection of the values and focus in my life. So if I set that part strait, then I don't have to worry about all the life-decisions that tend to make us crazy.

Have you ever noticed that no one ever asks you, "what do you want to do when you grow up?" The question is usually phrased: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

I want to be God's.

And I already am.

Some More on That Last One

First off...awesome comments. I love that people really read this :)

I guess I should clarify--I realize now that it's quite a beautiful thing that no other person will ever know me as intimately as God does, and I prefer it that way because if another person could actually live up to God in that way, logic would suggest that I would no longer need God. But that doesn't happen. People will always fall short, but God never does.

And on the other side of things, as pessimistic as I can be sometimes about relationships, I could name off at least five (if not more) guys that I think are absolutely incredible and I would date in an instant if they were interested. For now, I'm just waiting on the Lord's soveriegnty in that area of my life. And it really is great to have those kinds of guys as good friends for now. Of course, I do want to get married one day...but I'm ok where God has me right now. I'm learning in all things to be content...

:)

The Value of Being Alone

My Senior year of High School, we studied different acting methods during my theatre class--one of which basically said that all the emotional work actors usually do is crap, and all you should do is get on stage and just do the script--say what you're supposed to say and move like it says to move. I'm not sure exactly how this part tied in (we can all see how important I felt this method was), but part of the theory was about how in life we are never really connected to other people. I distinctly remember hearing Mr. Will say, "No matter how close you are to another person, they will never really know you." For a bunch of hormonal teenagers who were already full-fledged emo, it was a pretty intense statement that gave us all adequate motivation to wear all black the next day. Is that really true? Will I really go through life without anyone actually, genuinely knowing me? For most of those kids, that was a hard-to-swallow, harsh reality, but even as emo as I was my Senior year, I knew better. I knew that for me...it was always going to be ok, because even if no one on this earth could really know me to the deepest core, at least God could.

I'm seeing this theme resurface in my life...especially lately. I know I said just two blogs ago that I was giving up on talking about boys, but here we go again. Honestly, what do you expect? I'm a 19-year-old Southern girl who was socially conditioned to believe that I should be married in exactly two and a half years. Time is ticking...on a clock, I might add, that I believe I fed to a crocodile some time ago. (Captain Hook...anyone? ok...I tried.) Anyways, so here I am this naive little Texan dropped into a city that I don't really understand or fit into. And my head and my heart...and pretty much anyone else I talk to...are all telling me different things--conflicting with each other, conflicting with themselves. And I've done the dating thing and I've done the crush-on-a-guy-you-know-you-can't-get thing and a whole lot of other things that seemed like good ideas at the time. But all these things are never enough. They never have been and reason tells me, they never will.

So I come home one night and have this beautiful moment of clarity (which tends to happen every so often at the most bizarre hours): maybe I'm just one of those people who's meant to be alone forever. And this is one of those rare moments where that actually feels ok. I mean, one of my genuinely biggest fears has been the thought that I would graduate college not engaged. Where do I get crap like that? But in that moment I fully felt like God was enough. Really, it was so much more than that. Like if I had to chose one or the other, I really would prefer to have God than a man in my life. Which of course is the church answer that everyone is supposed to give--but I honestly could say it. Church-mask down, I really meant it. And that's kind of where I've been lately. God is so much more consoling and comforting than any man has ever been in my life. He's at my deepest core. I hear this at church all the time--God is all you need. He is enough. And I'm not sure why it is that I have such trouble really believing it. I mean...I've experienced it in my own life over and over. But right now I really feel like God is teaching me how wonderful it is to sit alone with Him. There's this Matt Wertz Song that puts is so beautifully. Here's a part of it...

6th and green is a warm place in November
When the air is cold and the leaves blow on the ground
And I don't think that I can even remember
Why it was that I came to this town.

Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight
I just want to be lonely tonight
With no one around to see the sight
Of me lying here

'Cause this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
And I don't want to be lonely
But I won't be lonely tonight
Because my maker's holding me

I guess I sort of feel this way. Alone can be a really nice place. Because God is good. And despite all the crap--the stuff that happens that you wish wouldn't and the stuff you keep wishing for that just won't--He loves me. He really loves me.

Just me and my Maker...doing this life thing, for better or worse, till death do us more fully unite.

Getting away from the selfish

Sometimes the most wonderful thing in the world is to encourage someone else. I've noticed in a lot of my relationships, I'm the one with the issues and the drama that someone else is taking care of. Which, I'm not gonna lie...I kind of like. But there is truly nothing more wonderful than knowing that I was able to love and encourage someone else. There is so much inside of me that I want to share...especially when it comes to God. I have this love and this faith in me that you really can't explain--these God-moments that I wish I knew how to bottle so everyone could have a taste. It's like this intense reality...this moment of really understanding at a deep soul/heart/mind level that something I've read all my life in the Bible really is true. When I get a chance to share some kind of encouragement from the truth in God's Word it's really beautiful. A lot of people get up in arms when you try to "convert" them...but it's not like that. I know the reality of the God I worship. And it's something I love to share with people. I get like...God-giddy. Because what I feel and what I believe is so wonderful that I want other people to know and feel it too. Christian and non-Christian alike--I wish I was better able to explain it or portray it, but there's not an earthy way to do it.

There is a Fountain
Who is the King
Victorious Warrior
And Lord of everything
My Rock, my Shelter
My very Own
Blessed Redeemer
Who reigns upon the throne

Who can satisfy my soul like you? Who on earth could comfort me and love me like you do?