I keep trying to think of reasons why I'm glad that I'm home. I can get online as much as I want, I'm going to straiten my hair and fully fix my makeup for the first time in three weeks, and I bought a bunch of fruit at the grocery store.
Alas, I'm eating Nutella and bread, checking emails from all my German friends, and re-reading camp books. I hate this part.
Well, I'm not really sure how you're supposed to sum up a missions trip. I wrote a little bit in my journal on the airplane home:
"These past weeks were incredible, to say the least. Meeting and encouraging so many brothers and sisters was such a wonderful blessing...My heart aches for [the pain and struggles that so many of them deal with]. It really makes me want to uproot and move to Germany..."
No really...I think what has made it so hard for me to return home these last two years from Sprachcamp is that it is a ministry that I feel completely called to. I am so blessed by how God is able to work through me there so it just makes sense to me that I need to be there physically. I find my heart when I'm serving at camp, and every time those kids get on the bus to go home, pieces of my heart go with them. I want to be actively involved in their lives throughout the year, and email never seems like enough.
One thing about camp this year that I especially enjoyed was all the time I was able to spend talking to Jodi. She and I discussed our ideas about ministry and what kinds of things God has done in our lives. Something she said that really stuck with me was that she and I were the type of people who would move all over the place in ministry...that the normal church or missions lifestyle was not enough for us. She's totally right. I hate sitting still. I want to be a revolutionary--changing the lives of people in significant and monumental ways. I know, I know that God is using me here in LA in great ways that I just don't understand or see them, but I have this powerful twinge inside me that keeps begging for more. I am so encouraged by how much some of my German friends love the Lord. They live in a culture where it isn't really normal and and definately not easy to be a Christian. I want to be there to show them the abundant life that God can give. I hope that's what I did this week, but I ache to live this out year-round.
My "normal" life always feels like stagnacy. I know it's not...I know it doesn't have to be. I know all the church answers to my questions, but those words don't douse the burning I feel inside. Maybe that's cliche or dorky or whatever. But man...there really are no words. It's in me. So when I leave Sprachcamp to come back home, I can't help but feel a bit broken. The aching is hard to handle, and that coupled with the jet-lag can really throw a girl. My body thinks I'm still in Germany, my heart stayed over there, and my mind can't find any reason to keep me here in America much longer.
(A note to the reader: While I normally am all about hearing people's comments to my blog posts, I'd really prefer not to receive any blurbs that attempt to encourage me by spouting Christianese mumbo-jumbo. Granted, I know that these types of comments are written with love and intended to remind me of Biblical truth concerning God's plan for my life; however, I know these church answers. I know that I'll be ok and that God will continue to work on me here in LA. This is not an answer-seeking post but my poor attempt at expressing how I feel on day one back at home. God's got all the answers I'm looking for...just thought I'd write out how I feel just in case it helps someone else to know that they aren't alone. More stories and reflections from Sprachcamp to come.)
