You Remind Me of Home..

Every time I go back to Texas, it feels a little more strange, a little more foreign, as LA starts to become more and more a home to me. Now that I've been back in this home for a few days, I've explained to a dozen or so people how my trip back to that home was. A quick three minutes is really not long enough to adequately explain all of the bizarre moments that, though once a normal part of my life, stood out this time around as slightly...well...Southern.

So for your reading pleasure, I offer this bullet point version of what it's like to visit my hometown. (Note: these are all actual events that transpired over the week I was there.)

You Know You're in College Station, Texas When....

* You eat biscuits, sausage, and gravy in epic quantities for breakfast at 9 am and mom is concerned that you'll be hungry again before noon.

* You eat again at noon because not doing so throws up concerns that California has turned you into one of them anorexics..

* Dinner does actually involve vegetables but they are cooked until they are mushy and then doused in cheese.

* The meat to all other food ratio is 1 to 1 and mom is worried there won't be enough.

* Your refrigerator contains a box of wine and a jug of sweet tea...3 variations of mayonaise, 4 kinds of barbecue sauce, and preserves or pickles from half a dozen different kitchens.

* When you get together with the rest of the family (a good 15-20 aunts, uncles and cousins) for pizza one night, they've ordered 10 pizzas in two kinds: cheese and pepperoni. You are the only one that notices.

* When it's time to gather for Christmas Eve Enchiladas, no one has a lot of room for the chili or enchiladas because they have filled up on queso dip.

* The lullaby that dad sings to your brother's kid involves hunting and killing a bear. ("The bear goes over the mountain, the bear goes over the mountain, the bear goes over the mountain...he runs from Al and Neil...and gets shot by Bradly too!")

* You drop words like "Pashmina" or "baubles" and no one knows what you mean.

* You go to the one wedding dress shop in town with your best friend who is going to get married next summer and not only do they not have anything in the mermaid silhouette, but the best seller that they make her try on looks like something you wouldn't have been caught dead in at prom...in 1998.

* Family time involves watching cartoons or survival shows while everyone sits at their respective laptops.

* Aunt Shelley declaires that Spongebob is the funniest show on television. A fifteen minute family discussion ensues. You are the only one who doesn't chime in.

* Dinner time conversations turn to lawn mowing, hunting, or audio engineering.

* Your brother shares his love by farting on you and his wife laughs and says, "Guess I get a break this week."

* Your sister shares her love by pouncing on top of you or grabbing you inappropriately.

* Your several-acre backyard is full of trees, wild brush, and extends back to the lake, but you aren't wealthy.

*More important than asking about your job or church is the question, "So is there anyone special in your life?" Then, if you even so much as suggest that you might be the slightest bit more than friends with someone, the follow up is, "So when is Aunt Joy going to meet him?" (from my Aunt Joy) or "So what does his daddy do?" (another family member) or, even better, "How come you didn't bring him home with you?" (my hairdresser). Everyone feigns scrutiny and talks about cleaning guns or dad's shovel and tiller/tractor, but what they really mean is, if he's as cool as you say, we want him in the family.

* Everywhere you go, either you or someone you're with will run into someone you know. Times 3 if you're at Walmart. Times 15 when you go to church.

* You see more children on a Sunday morning than you have all year.

* The Christmas Eve service is like a mini high school reunion. A good portion of your old friends introduce you to their spouse. One or two show off their kid.

* You spend some time outside right as Eve turns to Christmas day, just staring up at the stars. You cry because you can actually see them and think about how wonderful their Creator is and how much he has blessed you.

* Throughout the week, family activities include going to see Mark and Natalie's horses, putting together a puzzle, watching Mama Mia, and going to the "it" bar in town, known to old school locals as "The Chicken," where you play pool next to the rattlesnake cage and drink beer out of a 32 oz. big-e-gulp cup.

* Uncle John asks you to check if his old rattlesnake is still in the cages at the Chicken, because years ago when he frequented the bar and was good friends with the owner, he donated his snake.

* Aunt Joy wears earings that light up and blink. Uncle Jeff gets a tin of government supply crackers as part of his Christmas gift. The most popular gift card is from Gander Mountain.

* Your cousin Kaylee, when asked what she wants to be when she grows up, answers: "A Bride!"

* When you suggest that their behavior is odd, everyone rolls their eyes and says "You're so California." But what they mean is, "We miss you. Come home soon."

* When you pose for the formal family portrait, dad and Neil pull out the guns so they can be in the picture.

* Because this may be the last time in the next several years that all the cousins are together in one place, they insist on taking a picture of all of you. Eight cameras surface and you all try to keep from cracking up over Will's loud whistling/train sounds, Kelly yelling "Cheese!" because it helps Will to focus, and Sandi yelling to Kaylee, "Keep your dress down sweetie!"

* On Christmas day you stand in a circle of 22 family members, holding hands, and you pray a blessing over the meal and ask God to look out for Cousin Mark who is about to go overseas again with the Army.

* The turkey weighs 25 lbs and there's also a ham, but you are still nervous that there won't be enough.

* When you say goodbye to your parents at the airport, Mom cries even though she's done this 20 or more times by now and Dad hugs you and reminds you he's praying for you and the important people in your life. Then they stand and wave to you all the way through security.

* When you get on the plane, you don't look out the window because you're afraid you might start crying too...

Eve

It's the night before Christmas and all through my house, its the aroma of tomorrow's dinner cooking and my dad and I on our respective laptops. Neil and Christina went down about the same time their baby did, and my younger sister (also Christina) ventured upstairs a while ago. On my way back home from tamales at Aunt Debbie's, I lingered outside to look up at the sky. All the downsides of College Station melt into the dark places between the stars. 

Tonight we went to the Christmas Eve service at my home church. There's something warming to the heart about walking into Grace Bible every year and seeing everyone with their families. Even back in high school, at the peak of teenage angst, Christmas Eve marked peace amongst us all, as we take a moment to remember the birth of Christ. 

This year, my family is in full force.  We file into our seats with Aunt Shelley, Uncle Randy and our cousins, Mark and Natalie. It reminisces of days back at the Baptist church where the Coopers (my dad has three sisters and a brother) took up the entire second row pew on the left side. On the stage, Mom sits at the piano and Dad picks up his guitar. Joined by close to a thousand others, we stand to sing. 

Being at home, in and of itself, already makes me a little weepy. Because it's Christmas, we sing a bunch of old hymn-style songs about the coming of Jesus. Next to me, my blood, and seated all throughout the sanctuary, its an impromptu high school reunion--so many people that I have loved and shared with all in the same room for the same purpose. Naturally, I'm beaming and the words come belting from deep within me as I sing of the glories of my God. It's home and it's good. 

My eyes wander from the screens projecting words on either side of the baptistry to a young woman signing a translation to someone on the front row. It is not unusual in a church of our size to have someone available up front to translate the sermon into sign language. But I guess I just had never paid close attention to them growing up--they are interesting to watch, as you see which signs mimic which words, but mostly they have served as no more than a distraction when the sermon got too deep or uninteresting for my childhood attention span. What stood out to me tonight though, and what got me more choked up than when they called all the little children down to the front for the children's service, was watching the woman that the translator signed for, also signing the same words that I was singing with my voice. Watching her praise God in the language she understood reminded me of how big He actually is--He transcends language barriers and disabilities, and receives glory from an honest heart, no matter the medium. For the rest of the worship set, I mouthed the words, so overcome with joy and awe at pondering my Creator that my vocal chords were inadequate to communicate such a powerful outpouring of my soul. 

My sister refers to December 23rd as "Christmas Adam." Adam came before Eve, she explains, and so it's only logical to call the day before Christmas Eve by his name. To the rest of the world, Eve is the anticipation of the day to come, and in tonight, there are some elements of looking forward to the presents we will share and wonderful food we will serve tomorrow. But thanks to my my kooky sister, Eve also holds the foretelling of a beginning, the mother of all that is living, who points to the mother who bore a child that would one day be called the Living Water, a Living Sacrifice, Holy, Blameless...the Christ. 

In five minutes, it will officially be Christmas here, and I can think of nothing more wonderful to do now than bundle myself up and go outside to gaze into the stars that long ago witnessed and told of God's humble birth in a manger in Bethlehem. The Creator, entering creation, so that He might restore the relationship we lost with Adam and Eve and sin. 

Tonight, I remember He is beautiful. 

Is it sinful to desire to be loved?

I scribbled these words in large letters across the face of my open journal and then went back to folding my laundry. It is a good night when something gets me so intrigued that I can't put myself to sleep until I figure it out. It is worth every yawn tomorrow to have stayed up late tonight to write about it.

I wanted to process my thoughts biblically, to siphon my ideas through what Scripture has to say. It starts with, God is love. The Old Testament is riddled with examples of God's steadfast love. In fact, the phrase "steadfast love" could fill its own entry in my concordance, as this seems to be the most common adjective used to record God's response to a nation who continues to turn away from the One who always remains.

God is love, so we, in light of wanting to become more like Him, ought to love one another, and that love can manifest itself in many different ways. Sometimes it comes in the form of a rebuke, sometimes it comes with a kiss. God does not have to say at the end of a honoring life, "Well done, good and faithful servant." But He does. Saying He's proud of us communicates love. Though we may share our love with each other in many different ways, through our speech and actions--sometimes in outright compassion and gentle care and sometimes in smacking our hand when we reach for a hot stove--the important thing is that we do share love with one another.

What characterizes the life of a Christian, though, goes well beyond basking in the love of God all day. The Bible calls us to submit, trust, follow His law, pursue righteousness, actively run from evil and so forth. But before all of it, is love. And if we could really see clearly just how grand God's love actually is, then the nose-to-the-grindstone parts of life would be a joy. It's easy to submit and follow God's law when you rest securely in knowing that you are loved by the one who's guiding you. If I really and fully believe how much God loves me, then when He says, "Give up theatre and follow me," I say, "Let's roll." If you know that someone really loves you, you trust them easily, you listen easily, you submit easily.

I used to believe that you had to first know someone well before you had the "right" to call them out on a sin or inconsistency in their life, but now I'm starting to think that all you have to do is love them well. It's the whole idea of a "confrontation sandwich" (cheesy, I know, but go with me here). When you need to confront someone about something they are doing wrong, says this theory, you begin by building them up ("I really appreciate your work ethic and dedication to the company.."), then explain what you would like them to work on ("...but sometimes your enthusiasm comes off to the customers as aggressive."), and end on an uplifting note ("I am confidant, though, that you will be able to curb your attitude and continue as an asset to our team."). It has the potential to come off as cheesy, but when done correctly, serves much better to accomplish the goal at hand than the cut-to-the-chase alternative. Please don't misunderstand--there is a time and place for that--sometimes the most loving thing you can do is firmly tell someone they're screwing things up and need to change, now. Still, there are times when the more effective course of action is to slow down and love first. What may take a mere two minutes longer--to reassure the person that you are saying this only in love--usually illicits a more positive response. After all, who can look into compassionate and loving eyes and spit into the face of the love they convey. It follows, then, that the best way to bring about change in the lives of those around you is to communicate your love in every way possible--not only in rooting out their sin, but in appreciating their company, reminding them of their value in Christ, and encouraging them in their pursuit of godliness.

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another;
just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
By this all people will know you are my disciples,
if you have love for one another.
John 13:34-35

In pondering these ideas of love and the how-to's of it all, 2 am chased me onto a different rabbit trail, which was probably a good thing. Mulling over my own selfish desire to be loved holds no benefit, especially in light of the great work that can be done when I focus on unabashedly loving others in every way I know how. The question remains, then, and is perhaps more simple to answer than some of the other questions it brought up. Created in God's image, we desire relationships. We were made to be in relationship with God, and the bonds we create on this earth, when modeled scripturally, are designed to give a glimpse of how great our God is. Meaning, when someone loves me well, and my head is in the right place, my first thought is this: if this is only a fraction of the love that God has for me, I am utterly blessed indeed. And praise be to our God.

Fortunately for us, those who so easily become insecure or forget we are loved, the Bible is full of examples of God communicating His love and compassion toward his people...

Even though we were terrible sinners, Christ died for us. (Rom 5:8)

We are referred to as a "chosen race." We are called beloved repeatedly in the Psalms and cared for far beyond the birds and the flowers in the field (1 Pet 2:9, Ps 127, Luke 12:22-34)

He is our refuge, and a place to cast our anxieties; he offers peace (Ps 32:7, 46:1, 119:114, 1 Pet 5:7, Phil 4:6-7)

We are blessed to go through trials, because those are the things that produce steadfastness within us. (James 1:2-4)

God gives to his children generously. He listens to our requests and will do what we ask in His name (James 1:5, Matt 16:23-24)

He allows his disciples to see glimpses of His glory, like in the transfiguration. (Matt 17:1-13)

Jesus eats and drinks among people, enjoys the company of even the lowest of society, makes water into wine to keep a party going, goes into the wilderness with his disciples to recharge with them there.

God gives blessings to His people and honors his covenants: gives a child to Sarah who was barren, gives wisdom to Solomon, delivers the Israelites from captivity in Egypt.

God wires us to desire love. Then, He fulfils it.

From Grace to Now

I was utterly blessed to grow up in a church where I received theologically sound teaching as well as nurturing discipleship. I can look to a long list of names of women who took time out of their busy lives to pour into me--to encourage me to love and follow God more and more. Men and women who taught me what it means to have a relationship with God--that being a Christian means so much more than rote religious practice, that the Creator of the universe loves me so much that He would sacrifice His only Son so that I would be able to call Him friend.

Grace Bible Church has always felt like my first church family, a foundation that the Lord used to make me into the person I am today. Going home means going to Grace. Surrounded by hundreds of faces I don't recognize, the look of a changed church body, oh how I love them still. These people who are to each other what so many families were to me. I love the Christmas Eve service because I get to see all my friends with their parents and siblings, so many people who despite the disputes of a dramatic adolescence love each other so deeply. We are a college town, but underneath all the transient students lays the solid rock of families who love God and desire to see their children follow Him.

It only made sense that when I received an email from the mother of one of my good friends this morning, my heart broke a little. Laura and I floated in and out of closeness through Jr. High and High School, but when we both left College Station to go elsewhere to school, we found a bond that transcended so many of our differences from the years before. I saw how beautiful Laura had become in light of how God had made her--that in a new place, with friends who saw into her, Laura blossomed. Coming home after that meant picking right up from where we left off, looking into the eyes of a sister that had shared so much with me growing up...who shared so much more with me, now miles apart, as we dealt with many of the same trials and joys of spreading our wings. This Christmas I will see Laura for the first time in several years. I expect to smile and embrace and enjoy family.

Mrs. Breedlove's email was addressed to Laura, me and our friend Mitzi, my long ago triad:

"I am in charge of finding Advent readers and candle lighters for the holidays and wanted to know if the three of you would like to do it together on Sunday the 21st? Traditionally I look for a mix of people...couples, young families, children, singles, etc. I just saw in the three of you beautiful young women, who had known each other for years, raised up at Grace, thriving in the Lord..."

I wept because of the beauty of it. Because I hope some day I will write these things to my daughters. There is nothing more honoring for a parent than to watch their children grow into their own relationship with God--to see them go out into the world and live lives that please the Lord, that seek to know and follow Him. And I just thought--how wonderful will it be to stand with my friends, my sisters, before the church that raised us to say, God took care of us. You prayed and He is faithful. You loved us and in it, we saw the love of Christ and here we are, chasing Him still.

I owe much to my parents. I owe much to the church family who also took me as their child. I owe the utmost praise to God for blessing me with all of them.

Then, my family at Shoreline. I looked over at Harper the other day and realized that when I first met all of these people, his mother was just starting to show. I have watched him grow. And with him, my family grew, weaved together into the relationships that bless me every day. And I think maybe one day, should the Lord bless me in this too, this family will watch my own child grow in me, will be mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters to that child, will stand next to me to raise her too, and when she leaves our family and comes home for Christmas, she will stand before us all and say she learned the love of God here.

An Amazing Grace.