No really--family tradition. It's good stuff. Don't knock it before you try it.
In other news, I should be working on my paper but since it isn't due tomorrow, I feel little need to do it today. Perhaps I will attempt some sort of outline later...
Anyways, this post is going to be a bit less philosophical (sorry to those of you who were looking for some sort of wisdom a la Mere) but just a this-is-what-I've-been-up-to post.
Last weekend I went on a retreat with my fellow Bible study leaders, which totally rocked. We spent the weekend relaxing and listening to life stories. Then on Saturday night, we did written and verbal affirmations. I think this was my favorite part--not so much because I enjoy being praised (actually, it sort of freaks me out), but it was so encouraging to know that the other girls actually like me. What's that all about? Why is it I have such a fear of being liked? There's definitely a part of me that has always yearned to be as perfect as possible so that no one could find a fault in me that would make them deny God. It was as if I had to be as perfect as possible if they were going to see God in me. I know now that more often that not, that is less of a motivation to seek God, and more of a condemnation of me for being self-righteous. I'm learning now to share Christ through my weakness, but there is still something inside that wonders, am I good enough? If Christ's strength is made perfect in my weakness, why do I feel like I still have to strive so hard for approval from others? It's a proven fact that those who rise to leadership socially and in the work place are generally attractive people (physically and in their personality) because people would rather follow someone they'd want to be more like. So how does that translate for me? Is it possible that God would use my appearance and personality do draw people to me, so that I can point them to Christ? And why does that theory seem so self-centered?
I guess what I've come to (a rough theory) is that since Christ made us who we are, he will use us as such. That is to say, if we have an especially quick wit or high intelligence, he uses those if we let him. Really, it comes back to the fact that anything we are is a gift from God. When treated as such, my personality is not useful to win people because I am fabulous or something, but instead God gave me such a personality because he wanted to work through it. The big question is, when we are praised, do we look to ourselves for credit or point to Christ?
Really if I think about it, I shouldn't feel weird receiving affirmations or encouraging words from others because they affirm things about me that I could never have developed on my own. If there is anything in me worth praise, it is there because Christ is alive in me.
Ok--so much for not trying to be philosophical. I think too much..
Anyways, on Sunday evening, I went out with a few friends after church and we got into a discussion about dating vs. hanging out. Let me tell you--it was pretty intense. The problem we wanted to solve was how guys and girls can be less ambiguous about initiating so that they are not leading someone on. For instance, when a guy says, "we should hang out," what exactly does that mean? Does he want to take me out on a date? Does he want to hang out as friends? Does he want it to be a group thing? It can be kind of hard to tell. Well we got into all sorts of do's and don't's such as, guys (or girls) can be more intentional in the way that ask you out if they want it to be a date (can I take you out sometime?), or the receiver can avert a date situation by suggesting friends come along, and so forth. What I really want to get at is the reason why all of this is so difficult. Honestly, I'd be completely happy if my parents wanted to arrange a marriage for me. They know me well, and I trust them to pick the sort of person that would make a good match for me (read: not the highest bidder). However, I really have no right to complain about how complicated it has all gotten in the past couple of years because I'm the one complicating it.
My problem is that I have forgotten my first Love. Some days feel lonely, so I get more desperate to "try out" any guy that seems interested--even if I'm not too impressed so far, I might have misjudged him, so I don't want to discount him just yet. Really though...I know what I want. It's been almost the same since our first dating talks in junior high. Granted, I had no clue back then, but when I said I wanted a man of Godly character, I meant it, even if I didn't quite know how that would look. As time goes by, I am better able to define those characteristics and distinguish them in guys I meet. Point is, am I really trying not to be judgmental by going out with random guys just to "check them out" or am I just making excuses to receive the attention that a date brings? Yikes...kind of convicting. At this point in life, my priorities are more about building friendship relationships and serving at church (or elsewhere)--oh yeah, there's school too--so going out with a new guy is probably more of a dating "fix" for me. What I really want is not just someone that may be cool somewhere deep inside if I really dig for it, but someone who really intrigues me.
Alright, so what does that look like for me? Well if you ever read any of my stuff, you might pick up on the fact that I kind of like God. He's like...ultimate fab. It's not about looking cool or trying to be super-spiritual, but sometimes God gets me all sorts of riled up and I just have to share with other people the cool things he's done. So if that is what's most important to me, it's naturally the most important thing I look for in a guy. I want someone who gets excited with me when I talk about God. Someone who inspires and encourages me but also challenges me--in Christ. If I can't share what's at my core with him, we will never really connect. Obviously there are other things that I'd like to find--someone who is tall and musical, wants a family, and likes to cuddle--but those things are second and potentially compromiseable. The God Thing is the Main Thing. Without that, there's really no point as far as I'm concerned. I want someone who really turns my head.
Some additional thoughts:
Sorry if that was too Christian-y or bizarrely worded, but it's just how my mind works and what comes into my head, comes pretty much strait out, with little filtration.
A note for any male readers--not all girls think like this. I have no intention of representing the views of anyone but me, so it may not be to your advantage to apply these ideas to others.
Finally, this post is in no way intended to come across like a personal want ad, so please don't comment with any awkward theological discussions meant to impress. Because...yeah...that's.... awkward...
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Saturday, January 21, 2006
The person who can finish this quote may very well be my soulmate...
"What'd you wanna marry me for anyhow?"
Monday, January 16, 2006
Aslan's Country
So as cliche as it is to be one of the hundreds of people dusting off their set of the Chronicles of Narnia due to the release of the movie, I got the series for Christmas, and I just finished The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.
I don't quite know what it was about the ending (though I'll try to explain) but as the story drew to a close, God surprised, amazed, and delighted me so profoundly that I wept--purely and deeply--the sort of weeping that comes with a thousand indefinable emotions. I'm not going to quote anything because I don't know that the words from the page are really what did it, nor do I think this specific part will have a profound effect on everyone else. But something in those words reached down into the deepest part of me, and I knew it was God. Then the tears came, except they weren't really tears. One moment I was reading the fairy tale, then the next I gasped and the weeping began, full-force. It felt as though God intended me, Meredith Yvonne Cooper, to read those very words at that very moment, as if to say, "I hear your prayers, Beloved, and I know your deepest desires. Rest. I meet them." I was instantly humbled and broken. Who am I that God would speak to me so personally and so deeply?
It's moments like these that I wish I could capture and bottle to share with everyone else. This will have to do.
I don't quite know what it was about the ending (though I'll try to explain) but as the story drew to a close, God surprised, amazed, and delighted me so profoundly that I wept--purely and deeply--the sort of weeping that comes with a thousand indefinable emotions. I'm not going to quote anything because I don't know that the words from the page are really what did it, nor do I think this specific part will have a profound effect on everyone else. But something in those words reached down into the deepest part of me, and I knew it was God. Then the tears came, except they weren't really tears. One moment I was reading the fairy tale, then the next I gasped and the weeping began, full-force. It felt as though God intended me, Meredith Yvonne Cooper, to read those very words at that very moment, as if to say, "I hear your prayers, Beloved, and I know your deepest desires. Rest. I meet them." I was instantly humbled and broken. Who am I that God would speak to me so personally and so deeply?
It's moments like these that I wish I could capture and bottle to share with everyone else. This will have to do.
I believe in the power of prayer.
(Ok so to prevent having my man-hating blog entry be the first thing people see when they look at this page, I'm going to add a new post.)
I believe in the power of prayer.
One of the great blessings (of which there are many) that God gives us is the ability to talk to him and make our requests known to him. I fully believe that He hears our prayers, and when they are asked in pure faith, as our hearts seek after Him, they will be answered. I also believe that bearing others' burdens through prayer is a blessing. So many people have prayed over troubled times in my life, and God has been faithful to them and me.
So here are some things that have been on my heart and in my prayers lately:
* that the Lord would develop in the hearts of all the girls in my Bible study the desire to understand and know Him more, that we would be excited to spend time in the Word because it allows us to know Him more, and that we would seek together during our meetings to learn and understand the God that Paul describes in 1 Corinthians
* that the Lord would provide ten people to go to Sprachcamp this summer (ask me about this if you don't know what it is)
* that God would teach me how to find satisfaction and completion in Him, that I would learn patience and discernment in relationships with guys, and most of all that they would never consume more of my thoughts, energy, or time than God does.
Feel free to post your prayer requests on the comments section. I'd love to pray over you :)
I believe in the power of prayer.
One of the great blessings (of which there are many) that God gives us is the ability to talk to him and make our requests known to him. I fully believe that He hears our prayers, and when they are asked in pure faith, as our hearts seek after Him, they will be answered. I also believe that bearing others' burdens through prayer is a blessing. So many people have prayed over troubled times in my life, and God has been faithful to them and me.
So here are some things that have been on my heart and in my prayers lately:
* that the Lord would develop in the hearts of all the girls in my Bible study the desire to understand and know Him more, that we would be excited to spend time in the Word because it allows us to know Him more, and that we would seek together during our meetings to learn and understand the God that Paul describes in 1 Corinthians
* that the Lord would provide ten people to go to Sprachcamp this summer (ask me about this if you don't know what it is)
* that God would teach me how to find satisfaction and completion in Him, that I would learn patience and discernment in relationships with guys, and most of all that they would never consume more of my thoughts, energy, or time than God does.
Feel free to post your prayer requests on the comments section. I'd love to pray over you :)
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Taming the "Don Juan"
In my Theatre 311 class, Paul Backer has been talking the last couple of weeks about the Don Juan archetype that runs through theatre history. For those unfamiliar with the term, Don Juan is this fabulously romantic guy who is mostly a huge womanizer--women are drawn to him because he has all the right lines and is so hot and suave and all those other things, and yet they are repulsed by him because they know that he loves em and leaves em. In the end, though, the woman always falls for Don Juan and convinces herself that this time he really does love her...which he does, but not for very long.
This story changes some throughout the years as different cultures look at life in different ways, but I think that Don Juans have been around through all of history and will never really die out. Why? Because we don't want them to. There's something in our nature that is intensely attracted to him.
Now before you start thinking this is another of Meredith's man-hating posts, I will be the first to admit that Don Juan is just as often a woman. I will get to more of that later, but for now I will refer to Don Juan as a him for simplicity's sake...only because I have never heard of a girl named Don or Juan and he's generally male in the stories we read in class.
So what is the attraction to this said Don Juan? I think this goes back to the way God designed us as humans. Don Juan promises adventure--he is passion in human form and sparks that part of us that desires to be a lead in an epic story. Everyone wants to have the type of life that would make a good movie or book--something with excitement, and that's what Don Juan offers, though he is dangerous. Though the practical side of us desires safety, there is something alluring about danger, so without the possibility of danger, nothing really seems that fab.
Now when we look at people, they seem to fall into two categories--the type you date (or in the worst cases, one-night stand as long as you don't have to talk to them) and the type you marry. Despite our adventurous side, we all have a practical side that wants to make sure we are secure, so for a lot of people, they come to a point in life where they give up Don Juan for Lame John because he'll help pay the bills and sit in the rocking chair next to you on the porch once you retire. And if you're lucky, there is a passionate or adventurous moment or two that could make for an adequate short story.
But if all of us yearn for the full epic, why do we settle for Dr. Seuss? I think it's because most of us have forgotten that there are all sorts of categories in between, different versions of the Don Take-Home-to-Your-Mom. Why are we as people confining ourselves to one group or the other? And I say "we" because I think a person's categorization is partly his or her own fault...or society or whoever you like to blame for inherent problems. This ties into my new theory about how Christian women need to learn to be sexy. I don't understand why society thinks you have to be a slut or a virgin...and I really don't think that's how God intended it to be. Inside all of us is a sexy, adventurous side that desperately needs air. Yes, it's important to be pure and holy, but God made sex for us to enjoy. It's supposed to be hot and dirrty (thank you Christina Aguilara for adding the extra r) and awesome--within certain confines. But for some reason passion is associated with sin and chastity is safe and holy, though mildly boring.
Though rare, I fully believe that there are people out there that are more of a blend of adventure and security. This part of life is definitely not black and white--and if all of us secretly want a "bad boy" why do we (as the Christian community) try to blot out all things sexual. This isn't an encouragement to foster sin, because the Bible clearly says there are certain things that are sin and are wrong. What I am suggesting is that we embrace and appreciate the nuances of our personalities and nature in Christ. Yes, I strive to be pure and holy. Yes, I'm a virgin. And yes, I want to wait until I'm married to have sex, but that doesn't make me a prude. Undoubtedly, there is a very sexual and playful and fun side of me--that God created--that will really please my husband someday.
Of course this still leaves us with the Don Juan problem. I, like everyone else, find myself strangely attracted to him, and a time or two, I've been the Don Juan myself. It happens. But like all good things in life, finding the right balance is best. Not everyone is quite so one-dimensional. And the cool thing about people is that we are all looking for a slightly personal blend (think your Starbucks' usual)--there's not really one personality that works for everyone. Though I'm not a big proponent of the whole "The One" theory, I think each of us is looking for a different combination of Don Juan and Ward Cleaver.
And as for me, I'm not so sick of Don Juan that I really want to give him up completely, but I'm certainly a little much for Dr. Seuss to handle ;)
I want the epic, with all the ups and downs--a real fairy tale. And it's not really my style to settle for less.
This story changes some throughout the years as different cultures look at life in different ways, but I think that Don Juans have been around through all of history and will never really die out. Why? Because we don't want them to. There's something in our nature that is intensely attracted to him.
Now before you start thinking this is another of Meredith's man-hating posts, I will be the first to admit that Don Juan is just as often a woman. I will get to more of that later, but for now I will refer to Don Juan as a him for simplicity's sake...only because I have never heard of a girl named Don or Juan and he's generally male in the stories we read in class.
So what is the attraction to this said Don Juan? I think this goes back to the way God designed us as humans. Don Juan promises adventure--he is passion in human form and sparks that part of us that desires to be a lead in an epic story. Everyone wants to have the type of life that would make a good movie or book--something with excitement, and that's what Don Juan offers, though he is dangerous. Though the practical side of us desires safety, there is something alluring about danger, so without the possibility of danger, nothing really seems that fab.
Now when we look at people, they seem to fall into two categories--the type you date (or in the worst cases, one-night stand as long as you don't have to talk to them) and the type you marry. Despite our adventurous side, we all have a practical side that wants to make sure we are secure, so for a lot of people, they come to a point in life where they give up Don Juan for Lame John because he'll help pay the bills and sit in the rocking chair next to you on the porch once you retire. And if you're lucky, there is a passionate or adventurous moment or two that could make for an adequate short story.
But if all of us yearn for the full epic, why do we settle for Dr. Seuss? I think it's because most of us have forgotten that there are all sorts of categories in between, different versions of the Don Take-Home-to-Your-Mom. Why are we as people confining ourselves to one group or the other? And I say "we" because I think a person's categorization is partly his or her own fault...or society or whoever you like to blame for inherent problems. This ties into my new theory about how Christian women need to learn to be sexy. I don't understand why society thinks you have to be a slut or a virgin...and I really don't think that's how God intended it to be. Inside all of us is a sexy, adventurous side that desperately needs air. Yes, it's important to be pure and holy, but God made sex for us to enjoy. It's supposed to be hot and dirrty (thank you Christina Aguilara for adding the extra r) and awesome--within certain confines. But for some reason passion is associated with sin and chastity is safe and holy, though mildly boring.
Though rare, I fully believe that there are people out there that are more of a blend of adventure and security. This part of life is definitely not black and white--and if all of us secretly want a "bad boy" why do we (as the Christian community) try to blot out all things sexual. This isn't an encouragement to foster sin, because the Bible clearly says there are certain things that are sin and are wrong. What I am suggesting is that we embrace and appreciate the nuances of our personalities and nature in Christ. Yes, I strive to be pure and holy. Yes, I'm a virgin. And yes, I want to wait until I'm married to have sex, but that doesn't make me a prude. Undoubtedly, there is a very sexual and playful and fun side of me--that God created--that will really please my husband someday.
Of course this still leaves us with the Don Juan problem. I, like everyone else, find myself strangely attracted to him, and a time or two, I've been the Don Juan myself. It happens. But like all good things in life, finding the right balance is best. Not everyone is quite so one-dimensional. And the cool thing about people is that we are all looking for a slightly personal blend (think your Starbucks' usual)--there's not really one personality that works for everyone. Though I'm not a big proponent of the whole "The One" theory, I think each of us is looking for a different combination of Don Juan and Ward Cleaver.
And as for me, I'm not so sick of Don Juan that I really want to give him up completely, but I'm certainly a little much for Dr. Seuss to handle ;)
I want the epic, with all the ups and downs--a real fairy tale. And it's not really my style to settle for less.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Wise words on the second day of class
I switched some stuff around so now I'm taking this Shakespeare class instead of acting, which makes my schedule a lot nicer because my Tues/Thurs classes are back to back and I can go home and get work done at 2 when I am done for the day.
Anyways, here was the highlight of today's classes, wise words from the title of a book:
Shakespeare is Hard...But so is Life
Carnike says its kind of a crappy book, but we'll give credit to the genius of its title.
Anyways, here was the highlight of today's classes, wise words from the title of a book:
Shakespeare is Hard...But so is Life
Carnike says its kind of a crappy book, but we'll give credit to the genius of its title.
Monday, January 09, 2006
Adventures!
So tonight Justine and I went on one of our fabulous adventures, which tonight found us on Hollywood Blvd. The purpose of the trip was to go get my nose pierced, but as always there were other fun adventures like getting mooned by some guy in a van and going up the seedy-looking stairs to the place where a very kind looking gentleman would soon jab a bit of medal into my flesh...
Overall, quite a successful journey. Here's me ^^ looking dorkishly excited (not to mention eyes watering) just after the event.
It didn't really even hurt too bad...but of course I'm not looking forward to the whole healing process. It's so small...maybe it will heal fast. *crosses fingers* Man I love college.
Wednesday, January 04, 2006
A part of me died tonight at the Rose Bowl...
So uh...great way to spend my last night in College Station...
I kind of want to die.
I kind of want to die.
Monday, January 02, 2006
Narnia and the New Year
Tonight I went to see Narnia with my parents and sister--awesome movie...granted, not the most fabulous from a cinematic standpoint, but I adore the story, which I have also recently read. Being an allegory, it's one of those movies you really want to talk about after you've seen it to discuss the different aspects of the analogy...so here are a couple of my thoughts:
The characters of the children are really interesting because how they relate to their calling (to fight a war and be kings and queens of Narnia), the other creatures, and Aslan Himself (the Christ figure). I can see bits of myself in all of the characters, though what I thought was interesting was how certain male and female characteristics were displayed. Especially in the characters of Edmund and Lucy, the movie showed how certain male and female characteristics are used both for good and for temptation. For instance, Edmund's ego is arguably the driving force in his turning to the White Witch--he's angry with Peter and wants to prove he is better. Also, his selfishness in devouring the Turkish Delight and eagerness to become king tempt him to the dark side. However, in the end, his pride and desire for honor motivate him to fight the Witch, which ends up saving his brother's life and turning the tide of the battle. Lucy's feminine quality of caring finds her in a dangerous situation with Tumnus, who at first was going to kidnap her, but then her caring pushes the children further in their journey. It was all as if to say, God meets us where we're at. As men and women (or just people in general) we have certain traits and characteristics that often get us into trouble. But if we let Him, God can work in us in really cool ways, using those traits for His glory. Basically, He rocks.
The other part I noticed about the movie connects to my New Year's evaluation. Every New Year I evaluate myself in different areas in my journal--just to get an idea of where I am and to track where I've come. It's all dorkishly objective commentary in areas like physical, emotional, spiritual, relational and so on. I write about how I feel I'm doing in each area. Anyways, what I really noticed this year was that though I am not really satisfied with where I am in any of those areas, I am definitely "in process"--a term that Lyndsey uses that I've really picked up. It's not that I'm wallowing in dissatisfaction. I am finding myself mostly content with the fact that I know God is working in me. I'm not there yet (and I know I never will be) but I think if we can learn to see where we are going--what's ahead that we want to get to, without hating ourselves for being where we are right now, then that's what contentment means. I see where God has brought me if I look back, and am excited about where God is going to take me when I look ahead, which makes me happy with where I am right now. Accomplishment behind and an adventure before me makes right here a pretty cool place. This is all sort of funny because if I made a laundry list of the year, it would look kind of sketch and pretty pathetic at times. But through it all, God has been there, and He is good. So this brings me to the Narnia connection. I wish they had kept the dialogue just as it is written in the book, though moving the conversation to the end of the movie allowed it to really make a point. This is what I consider the best part of the book...as well as a bit of a life-theme for me:
"Is--is [Aslan] a man? asked Lucy.
"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion--the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he--quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
--C. S. Lewis, emphasis mine
Really, that's been my year--and a lot of my life. It's not so much safe, but God is good.
I wish blessings for you all this New Year :) I'll be back in Cali in a couple of days. Can't wait to see everyone!
The characters of the children are really interesting because how they relate to their calling (to fight a war and be kings and queens of Narnia), the other creatures, and Aslan Himself (the Christ figure). I can see bits of myself in all of the characters, though what I thought was interesting was how certain male and female characteristics were displayed. Especially in the characters of Edmund and Lucy, the movie showed how certain male and female characteristics are used both for good and for temptation. For instance, Edmund's ego is arguably the driving force in his turning to the White Witch--he's angry with Peter and wants to prove he is better. Also, his selfishness in devouring the Turkish Delight and eagerness to become king tempt him to the dark side. However, in the end, his pride and desire for honor motivate him to fight the Witch, which ends up saving his brother's life and turning the tide of the battle. Lucy's feminine quality of caring finds her in a dangerous situation with Tumnus, who at first was going to kidnap her, but then her caring pushes the children further in their journey. It was all as if to say, God meets us where we're at. As men and women (or just people in general) we have certain traits and characteristics that often get us into trouble. But if we let Him, God can work in us in really cool ways, using those traits for His glory. Basically, He rocks.
The other part I noticed about the movie connects to my New Year's evaluation. Every New Year I evaluate myself in different areas in my journal--just to get an idea of where I am and to track where I've come. It's all dorkishly objective commentary in areas like physical, emotional, spiritual, relational and so on. I write about how I feel I'm doing in each area. Anyways, what I really noticed this year was that though I am not really satisfied with where I am in any of those areas, I am definitely "in process"--a term that Lyndsey uses that I've really picked up. It's not that I'm wallowing in dissatisfaction. I am finding myself mostly content with the fact that I know God is working in me. I'm not there yet (and I know I never will be) but I think if we can learn to see where we are going--what's ahead that we want to get to, without hating ourselves for being where we are right now, then that's what contentment means. I see where God has brought me if I look back, and am excited about where God is going to take me when I look ahead, which makes me happy with where I am right now. Accomplishment behind and an adventure before me makes right here a pretty cool place. This is all sort of funny because if I made a laundry list of the year, it would look kind of sketch and pretty pathetic at times. But through it all, God has been there, and He is good. So this brings me to the Narnia connection. I wish they had kept the dialogue just as it is written in the book, though moving the conversation to the end of the movie allowed it to really make a point. This is what I consider the best part of the book...as well as a bit of a life-theme for me:
"Is--is [Aslan] a man? asked Lucy.
"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don't you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion--the Lion, the great Lion."
"Ooh!" said Susan, "I'd thought he was a man. Is he--quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion."
"That you will, dearie, and no mistake," said Mrs. Beaver; "if there's anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they're either braver than most or else just silly."
"Then he isn't safe?" said Lucy.
"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver; "don't you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
--C. S. Lewis, emphasis mine
Really, that's been my year--and a lot of my life. It's not so much safe, but God is good.
I wish blessings for you all this New Year :) I'll be back in Cali in a couple of days. Can't wait to see everyone!
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Congrats Neil :)
Congratulations to my brother, Neil, on his graduation and (*Mere lets out a squeal of excitement*) ENGAGEMENT! His fiancee Christina is so fabulous and it is wonderful to see the two of them together. He totally deserves someone so awesome.
Not much philisophical today...we spent a few days in Florida to see Neil, Christina, and her parents (graduation, engagement, and such). Tomorrow I head to Tennessee to visit my grandparents. Not so much looking forward to the 15 hour road trip, but perhaps my mom and I will have some good chat time or something. I'm enjoying being home, although I do miss Cali and all my friends there...church, Bible study, not so much school...but whatever. Still kind of paranoid about finding out my grades from this semester. Should have gone to class more...
Love to all of you and blessings for a very Merry Christmas :)
Not much philisophical today...we spent a few days in Florida to see Neil, Christina, and her parents (graduation, engagement, and such). Tomorrow I head to Tennessee to visit my grandparents. Not so much looking forward to the 15 hour road trip, but perhaps my mom and I will have some good chat time or something. I'm enjoying being home, although I do miss Cali and all my friends there...church, Bible study, not so much school...but whatever. Still kind of paranoid about finding out my grades from this semester. Should have gone to class more...
Love to all of you and blessings for a very Merry Christmas :)
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Some Inspiration
"We tend to forget that our real gift is not so much what we can do, but who we are. The real question is not 'what can we offer each other?' but 'who can we be for each other?'."
--Henri Nouwen
This quote is currently hanging above my computer as a daily reminder that my focus should not be on the doing, but on the being. I am God's child.
Loved.
Redeemed.
Accepted.
Purified.
Safe.
How I respond to situations and the kinds of choices I make are a direct reflection of the values and focus in my life. So if I set that part strait, then I don't have to worry about all the life-decisions that tend to make us crazy.
Have you ever noticed that no one ever asks you, "what do you want to do when you grow up?" The question is usually phrased: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I want to be God's.
And I already am.
--Henri Nouwen
This quote is currently hanging above my computer as a daily reminder that my focus should not be on the doing, but on the being. I am God's child.
Loved.
Redeemed.
Accepted.
Purified.
Safe.
How I respond to situations and the kinds of choices I make are a direct reflection of the values and focus in my life. So if I set that part strait, then I don't have to worry about all the life-decisions that tend to make us crazy.
Have you ever noticed that no one ever asks you, "what do you want to do when you grow up?" The question is usually phrased: "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
I want to be God's.
And I already am.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Some More on That Last One
First off...awesome comments. I love that people really read this :)
I guess I should clarify--I realize now that it's quite a beautiful thing that no other person will ever know me as intimately as God does, and I prefer it that way because if another person could actually live up to God in that way, logic would suggest that I would no longer need God. But that doesn't happen. People will always fall short, but God never does.
And on the other side of things, as pessimistic as I can be sometimes about relationships, I could name off at least five (if not more) guys that I think are absolutely incredible and I would date in an instant if they were interested. For now, I'm just waiting on the Lord's soveriegnty in that area of my life. And it really is great to have those kinds of guys as good friends for now. Of course, I do want to get married one day...but I'm ok where God has me right now. I'm learning in all things to be content...
:)
I guess I should clarify--I realize now that it's quite a beautiful thing that no other person will ever know me as intimately as God does, and I prefer it that way because if another person could actually live up to God in that way, logic would suggest that I would no longer need God. But that doesn't happen. People will always fall short, but God never does.
And on the other side of things, as pessimistic as I can be sometimes about relationships, I could name off at least five (if not more) guys that I think are absolutely incredible and I would date in an instant if they were interested. For now, I'm just waiting on the Lord's soveriegnty in that area of my life. And it really is great to have those kinds of guys as good friends for now. Of course, I do want to get married one day...but I'm ok where God has me right now. I'm learning in all things to be content...
:)
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
The Value of Being Alone
My Senior year of High School, we studied different acting methods during my theatre class--one of which basically said that all the emotional work actors usually do is crap, and all you should do is get on stage and just do the script--say what you're supposed to say and move like it says to move. I'm not sure exactly how this part tied in (we can all see how important I felt this method was), but part of the theory was about how in life we are never really connected to other people. I distinctly remember hearing Mr. Will say, "No matter how close you are to another person, they will never really know you." For a bunch of hormonal teenagers who were already full-fledged emo, it was a pretty intense statement that gave us all adequate motivation to wear all black the next day. Is that really true? Will I really go through life without anyone actually, genuinely knowing me? For most of those kids, that was a hard-to-swallow, harsh reality, but even as emo as I was my Senior year, I knew better. I knew that for me...it was always going to be ok, because even if no one on this earth could really know me to the deepest core, at least God could.
I'm seeing this theme resurface in my life...especially lately. I know I said just two blogs ago that I was giving up on talking about boys, but here we go again. Honestly, what do you expect? I'm a 19-year-old Southern girl who was socially conditioned to believe that I should be married in exactly two and a half years. Time is ticking...on a clock, I might add, that I believe I fed to a crocodile some time ago. (Captain Hook...anyone? ok...I tried.) Anyways, so here I am this naive little Texan dropped into a city that I don't really understand or fit into. And my head and my heart...and pretty much anyone else I talk to...are all telling me different things--conflicting with each other, conflicting with themselves. And I've done the dating thing and I've done the crush-on-a-guy-you-know-you-can't-get thing and a whole lot of other things that seemed like good ideas at the time. But all these things are never enough. They never have been and reason tells me, they never will.
So I come home one night and have this beautiful moment of clarity (which tends to happen every so often at the most bizarre hours): maybe I'm just one of those people who's meant to be alone forever. And this is one of those rare moments where that actually feels ok. I mean, one of my genuinely biggest fears has been the thought that I would graduate college not engaged. Where do I get crap like that? But in that moment I fully felt like God was enough. Really, it was so much more than that. Like if I had to chose one or the other, I really would prefer to have God than a man in my life. Which of course is the church answer that everyone is supposed to give--but I honestly could say it. Church-mask down, I really meant it. And that's kind of where I've been lately. God is so much more consoling and comforting than any man has ever been in my life. He's at my deepest core. I hear this at church all the time--God is all you need. He is enough. And I'm not sure why it is that I have such trouble really believing it. I mean...I've experienced it in my own life over and over. But right now I really feel like God is teaching me how wonderful it is to sit alone with Him. There's this Matt Wertz Song that puts is so beautifully. Here's a part of it...
6th and green is a warm place in November
When the air is cold and the leaves blow on the ground
And I don't think that I can even remember
Why it was that I came to this town.
Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight
I just want to be lonely tonight
With no one around to see the sight
Of me lying here
'Cause this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
And I don't want to be lonely
But I won't be lonely tonight
Because my maker's holding me
I guess I sort of feel this way. Alone can be a really nice place. Because God is good. And despite all the crap--the stuff that happens that you wish wouldn't and the stuff you keep wishing for that just won't--He loves me. He really loves me.
Just me and my Maker...doing this life thing, for better or worse, till death do us more fully unite.
I'm seeing this theme resurface in my life...especially lately. I know I said just two blogs ago that I was giving up on talking about boys, but here we go again. Honestly, what do you expect? I'm a 19-year-old Southern girl who was socially conditioned to believe that I should be married in exactly two and a half years. Time is ticking...on a clock, I might add, that I believe I fed to a crocodile some time ago. (Captain Hook...anyone? ok...I tried.) Anyways, so here I am this naive little Texan dropped into a city that I don't really understand or fit into. And my head and my heart...and pretty much anyone else I talk to...are all telling me different things--conflicting with each other, conflicting with themselves. And I've done the dating thing and I've done the crush-on-a-guy-you-know-you-can't-get thing and a whole lot of other things that seemed like good ideas at the time. But all these things are never enough. They never have been and reason tells me, they never will.
So I come home one night and have this beautiful moment of clarity (which tends to happen every so often at the most bizarre hours): maybe I'm just one of those people who's meant to be alone forever. And this is one of those rare moments where that actually feels ok. I mean, one of my genuinely biggest fears has been the thought that I would graduate college not engaged. Where do I get crap like that? But in that moment I fully felt like God was enough. Really, it was so much more than that. Like if I had to chose one or the other, I really would prefer to have God than a man in my life. Which of course is the church answer that everyone is supposed to give--but I honestly could say it. Church-mask down, I really meant it. And that's kind of where I've been lately. God is so much more consoling and comforting than any man has ever been in my life. He's at my deepest core. I hear this at church all the time--God is all you need. He is enough. And I'm not sure why it is that I have such trouble really believing it. I mean...I've experienced it in my own life over and over. But right now I really feel like God is teaching me how wonderful it is to sit alone with Him. There's this Matt Wertz Song that puts is so beautifully. Here's a part of it...
6th and green is a warm place in November
When the air is cold and the leaves blow on the ground
And I don't think that I can even remember
Why it was that I came to this town.
Because I just want to be lonely tonight
Just me and my maker in this cold moonlight
I just want to be lonely tonight
With no one around to see the sight
Of me lying here
'Cause this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
I said this is the hardest thing I've ever done before
And I don't want to be lonely
But I won't be lonely tonight
Because my maker's holding me
I guess I sort of feel this way. Alone can be a really nice place. Because God is good. And despite all the crap--the stuff that happens that you wish wouldn't and the stuff you keep wishing for that just won't--He loves me. He really loves me.
Just me and my Maker...doing this life thing, for better or worse, till death do us more fully unite.
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Getting away from the selfish
Sometimes the most wonderful thing in the world is to encourage someone else. I've noticed in a lot of my relationships, I'm the one with the issues and the drama that someone else is taking care of. Which, I'm not gonna lie...I kind of like. But there is truly nothing more wonderful than knowing that I was able to love and encourage someone else. There is so much inside of me that I want to share...especially when it comes to God. I have this love and this faith in me that you really can't explain--these God-moments that I wish I knew how to bottle so everyone could have a taste. It's like this intense reality...this moment of really understanding at a deep soul/heart/mind level that something I've read all my life in the Bible really is true. When I get a chance to share some kind of encouragement from the truth in God's Word it's really beautiful. A lot of people get up in arms when you try to "convert" them...but it's not like that. I know the reality of the God I worship. And it's something I love to share with people. I get like...God-giddy. Because what I feel and what I believe is so wonderful that I want other people to know and feel it too. Christian and non-Christian alike--I wish I was better able to explain it or portray it, but there's not an earthy way to do it.
There is a Fountain
Who is the King
Victorious Warrior
And Lord of everything
My Rock, my Shelter
My very Own
Blessed Redeemer
Who reigns upon the throne
Who can satisfy my soul like you? Who on earth could comfort me and love me like you do?
There is a Fountain
Who is the King
Victorious Warrior
And Lord of everything
My Rock, my Shelter
My very Own
Blessed Redeemer
Who reigns upon the throne
Who can satisfy my soul like you? Who on earth could comfort me and love me like you do?
Monday, October 31, 2005
The Votes Are In...
Ok...so after taking a tally on the last blog (including some conversational commentary from a few people who I brought up the idea with) I'd have to say the results are inconclusive.
Men and Women are inconclusive.
Yeah...I don't think that sentence is quite grammatical or I used the word wrong there or something....I was technically going for dramatic effect, but I probably blew it on that one. Must make a note to brush up my writing skills. Apparently Writing 140 didn't do much for me...
Anyway, some things I think we can all agree on: we all play way too many games. Men have an uber rejection-complex, and they can't tell what we mean or what we are thinking or why we...(fill in the blank with basically any verb you like). And women can't figure out why we are so difficult to figure out. I mean, I think we are pretty easy to understand. Well I take that back, I think I am pretty easy to understand...yeah...who am I kidding...? I don't even understand me...so I really shouldn't expect a guy to. I kind of go back and forth on this topic. Some days I feel like I am blantantly obvious on how I feel and such, and other days I do weird stuff like cry for no reason. This probably contributes even more to male confusion. So how about this for a thesis statement--some days women are easy to understand. You just have to catch us on the right day. And if fates all align just perfectly, you might happen to ask out just the right girl at just the right time and wind up happily ever after. Encouraging? Maybe not...but at least we can all come to the happy (or irritating and obnoxious) conclusion that they won't ever get us and we won't ever get them. Now this fact, once conceded, allows us all to open up lines of communication. Though sometimes I wish I was ballsy enough to post somewhere exactly how I feel about each of the guys I know, I like to pretend my coyness has something to do with that whole "it's the guys' job to pursue" mentality. But I would also like to think that if anyone ever asked me strait up how I felt about them, or how I felt about anything really, I'd be honest about it. After all the drama I've been through in life, I've finally come to a place where I feel like I can pretty much be open about how I feel. (knock on wood) So I guess my advice on the whole guy/girl thing is, if you don't get it--ask. If you feel like asking is too scary, make one of your friends ask a friend of her friend's cousin. Sure you'll feel like you're back in Junior High, but if you want to know that badly, there are always ways to find things out.
And with that, I am going to conclude my rant on boys...for tonight and for a good while hence. I think the over-analyzing is starting to contribute to the problem. I'm going on another fast from talking about boys. I did this several weeks ago and it was really effective in reminding me to chill out, take things a day at a time, and rest in knowing that what happens happens. So for the next indeterminate amount of time, I'm not going to talk about boys or relationships (with regard to myself...I still want to know the dirt on everyone else...hey, I'm nosy...). Someone hold me to this...please?
Men and Women are inconclusive.
Yeah...I don't think that sentence is quite grammatical or I used the word wrong there or something....I was technically going for dramatic effect, but I probably blew it on that one. Must make a note to brush up my writing skills. Apparently Writing 140 didn't do much for me...
Anyway, some things I think we can all agree on: we all play way too many games. Men have an uber rejection-complex, and they can't tell what we mean or what we are thinking or why we...(fill in the blank with basically any verb you like). And women can't figure out why we are so difficult to figure out. I mean, I think we are pretty easy to understand. Well I take that back, I think I am pretty easy to understand...yeah...who am I kidding...? I don't even understand me...so I really shouldn't expect a guy to. I kind of go back and forth on this topic. Some days I feel like I am blantantly obvious on how I feel and such, and other days I do weird stuff like cry for no reason. This probably contributes even more to male confusion. So how about this for a thesis statement--some days women are easy to understand. You just have to catch us on the right day. And if fates all align just perfectly, you might happen to ask out just the right girl at just the right time and wind up happily ever after. Encouraging? Maybe not...but at least we can all come to the happy (or irritating and obnoxious) conclusion that they won't ever get us and we won't ever get them. Now this fact, once conceded, allows us all to open up lines of communication. Though sometimes I wish I was ballsy enough to post somewhere exactly how I feel about each of the guys I know, I like to pretend my coyness has something to do with that whole "it's the guys' job to pursue" mentality. But I would also like to think that if anyone ever asked me strait up how I felt about them, or how I felt about anything really, I'd be honest about it. After all the drama I've been through in life, I've finally come to a place where I feel like I can pretty much be open about how I feel. (knock on wood) So I guess my advice on the whole guy/girl thing is, if you don't get it--ask. If you feel like asking is too scary, make one of your friends ask a friend of her friend's cousin. Sure you'll feel like you're back in Junior High, but if you want to know that badly, there are always ways to find things out.
And with that, I am going to conclude my rant on boys...for tonight and for a good while hence. I think the over-analyzing is starting to contribute to the problem. I'm going on another fast from talking about boys. I did this several weeks ago and it was really effective in reminding me to chill out, take things a day at a time, and rest in knowing that what happens happens. So for the next indeterminate amount of time, I'm not going to talk about boys or relationships (with regard to myself...I still want to know the dirt on everyone else...hey, I'm nosy...). Someone hold me to this...please?
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Are Guys Really as Stupid as We Give Them Credit For?
Today I pose the question--are guys really as stupid as we give them credit for? I'm working on a new theory about boys, and here's kind of how it goes:
A common discussion among girls is how unbelievably ignorant guys can be about a girl liking them. For those of us with the perhaps more old-school mindset that the guy should be the one to pursue in a relationship, this can be very frustrating. It means we have to be all sneaky about letting them know we are interested, in hopes that they will ask us out...and there's only so much a girl can do to show interest without just flat out saying, "Hey, I like you." I, personally, have trouble believing that a guy wouldn't be able to tell that I am interested in him--in the same way that I can tell that another girl I meet thinks that I'm cool, I feel like it should be easy for a guy to tell that a girl thinks he's cool. Obviously, it's not quite as easy to tell if a girl considers you a marriage prospect just by how she acts around you--but at least at a basic level, you know whether or not you repulse her. Now, if dating is just about getting to know a person better whom you find interesting (I know this is debatable, but for the sake of this argument, we will consider it a premise), then basic intrigue should be all that is required in order to initiate. Herein lies the problem. I don't think guys are oblivious to whether or not a girl seems intrigued, interested, or whatever. I think men are perfectly capable of judging basic human inclinations. What they lack are the guts to act on them. So it's not that a guy can't tell that a girl thinks he's cool--it's just that he wants a more definitive confirmation that if he puts himself out there, she's not going to utterly reject and humiliate him. It's not that he can't tell that you like him...he's either "just not that into you" or he doesn't have the guts to do anything about it.
In order to clear up any confusion--I don't intend to come across as a man-hater, because I'm not (although some days, I border on it). I realize that it takes a lot for a guy to have the courage to ask a girl out--there's the whole pride/ego thing and when emotions get involved, there really is a lot at stake and I don't want to demean that. But I don't buy the idea that guys just can't tell that you are interested. Unless you are 25 and still playing the "I avoid the guy I'm into like the plague" game there are basic, human ways of indicating interest. And if a girl is showing interest in a normal way, then it's not the guy's stupidity that's preventing them from getting together--there's something else. You aren't going to know whether or not that girl is romantically interested unless you do something about it--so shy of her saying, "I think I want to have your children and grow old with you," there might be a little work required on your part to see if the relationship will go anywhere (provided she's the type like me who expects the guy to make the first move). At this point you evaluate--is it worth the risk? Are you interested in advancing the relationship enough to risk rejection?
So--this is the new boy theory I'm throwing out there, all summed up: the idea that a guy can't tell whether or not a girl likes him is a shabby excuse for not having the courage to ask a girl out.
Here's where I'd really like some opinions. Perhaps I'm totally out in left field here--are we girls really that hard to read? I mean...I can see it when we are in Junior High, but by college we should have matured enough to act like normal human beings around each other. Am I wrong? I feel like sometimes we are pressured in to acting as if we don't know someone likes us, as if admitting that would make us prideful or something--so we pretend not to notice. But come on--I can usually tell if a guy likes me. Granted, there's no way for me to know if he's going to act on that or not...but I can still tell, at least on a basic level, he kind of digs me. I guess if I find it fairly easy to tell, then I don't buy that no one else seems to notice as well.
A common discussion among girls is how unbelievably ignorant guys can be about a girl liking them. For those of us with the perhaps more old-school mindset that the guy should be the one to pursue in a relationship, this can be very frustrating. It means we have to be all sneaky about letting them know we are interested, in hopes that they will ask us out...and there's only so much a girl can do to show interest without just flat out saying, "Hey, I like you." I, personally, have trouble believing that a guy wouldn't be able to tell that I am interested in him--in the same way that I can tell that another girl I meet thinks that I'm cool, I feel like it should be easy for a guy to tell that a girl thinks he's cool. Obviously, it's not quite as easy to tell if a girl considers you a marriage prospect just by how she acts around you--but at least at a basic level, you know whether or not you repulse her. Now, if dating is just about getting to know a person better whom you find interesting (I know this is debatable, but for the sake of this argument, we will consider it a premise), then basic intrigue should be all that is required in order to initiate. Herein lies the problem. I don't think guys are oblivious to whether or not a girl seems intrigued, interested, or whatever. I think men are perfectly capable of judging basic human inclinations. What they lack are the guts to act on them. So it's not that a guy can't tell that a girl thinks he's cool--it's just that he wants a more definitive confirmation that if he puts himself out there, she's not going to utterly reject and humiliate him. It's not that he can't tell that you like him...he's either "just not that into you" or he doesn't have the guts to do anything about it.
In order to clear up any confusion--I don't intend to come across as a man-hater, because I'm not (although some days, I border on it). I realize that it takes a lot for a guy to have the courage to ask a girl out--there's the whole pride/ego thing and when emotions get involved, there really is a lot at stake and I don't want to demean that. But I don't buy the idea that guys just can't tell that you are interested. Unless you are 25 and still playing the "I avoid the guy I'm into like the plague" game there are basic, human ways of indicating interest. And if a girl is showing interest in a normal way, then it's not the guy's stupidity that's preventing them from getting together--there's something else. You aren't going to know whether or not that girl is romantically interested unless you do something about it--so shy of her saying, "I think I want to have your children and grow old with you," there might be a little work required on your part to see if the relationship will go anywhere (provided she's the type like me who expects the guy to make the first move). At this point you evaluate--is it worth the risk? Are you interested in advancing the relationship enough to risk rejection?
So--this is the new boy theory I'm throwing out there, all summed up: the idea that a guy can't tell whether or not a girl likes him is a shabby excuse for not having the courage to ask a girl out.
Here's where I'd really like some opinions. Perhaps I'm totally out in left field here--are we girls really that hard to read? I mean...I can see it when we are in Junior High, but by college we should have matured enough to act like normal human beings around each other. Am I wrong? I feel like sometimes we are pressured in to acting as if we don't know someone likes us, as if admitting that would make us prideful or something--so we pretend not to notice. But come on--I can usually tell if a guy likes me. Granted, there's no way for me to know if he's going to act on that or not...but I can still tell, at least on a basic level, he kind of digs me. I guess if I find it fairly easy to tell, then I don't buy that no one else seems to notice as well.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Intimacy and Blogging
So this is a topic I've been mulling over the last couple of days--especially after all the jokes about Rhett and his blogging conference. I kind of wanted to write about it last night, but I opted to finish my midterm take-home essays first, then a friend of mine left me a message about my blog on IM, saying...
"is it weird knowing that people could get to know you, on a somewhat intimate level I might add, without you getting to know them at all?"
Yes. It is weird. But I think what makes the difference is that I don't feel like I'm being very personal on here. Most of the things I blog about are God-topics...which, even when they are kind of personal, I don't really mind throwing out there. I have this theory...when it comes to talking about God, I'd rather go ahead and share really personal stuff, if it means that it will somehow help someone else out. I have very few secrets--I'm usually more than willing to tell people exactly how I feel about things, if they only ask. But blogging about God, and even certain topics, to me, just doesn't really feel intimate. There are lots of subjects that I'm not going to rant about because I'm not especially fond of airing dirty laundry. Some things just shouldn't go published for all to see. And I think those are the kinds of things that people have to ask me about personally in order to really know.
That being said, I kind of hate that the things I write don't usually generate conversation. Even if/when people leave comments...it is still rather impersonal, and I don't particularly like that aspect of writing on here. Though there is a certain release that comes from getting my thoughts down. I really love to journal, but even when I write in my journal (which is supposed to be personal), I write as if some day someone will read what I have to say. I guess I always thought it would be something cool to share with my husband someday...though as time has passed, there are more and more bits that I don't particularly want to share with anyone. But I don't use this blog as a journal--so instead of chronicling what I've been up to, it more or less allows me to discuss life theories (because I seem to be coming up with new ones all the time) or comment on things I notice. And in that way, it allows me to put my ideas out there--which really aren't so much personal.
Again, I don't really feel like that was very coherent. Basically, I love to write out random stuff on here, as my mind is always churning on some new topic or I have some sort of experience with God that I can't help but share with anyone who will listen (PS--God is totally awesome). So maybe it's dorky...and it's probably just one more way that modern technology keeps us from having to have real conversations and connections with other humans...but I plan to keep it up anyways. Hopefully these ideas and conversations will go further than the computer screen and start real connections with people.
And if you're stalking me...learning all sorts of random secrets about me without me actually knowing you...then seriously, quit being creepy. Come talk to me. I'm more interesting in person anyway.
"is it weird knowing that people could get to know you, on a somewhat intimate level I might add, without you getting to know them at all?"
Yes. It is weird. But I think what makes the difference is that I don't feel like I'm being very personal on here. Most of the things I blog about are God-topics...which, even when they are kind of personal, I don't really mind throwing out there. I have this theory...when it comes to talking about God, I'd rather go ahead and share really personal stuff, if it means that it will somehow help someone else out. I have very few secrets--I'm usually more than willing to tell people exactly how I feel about things, if they only ask. But blogging about God, and even certain topics, to me, just doesn't really feel intimate. There are lots of subjects that I'm not going to rant about because I'm not especially fond of airing dirty laundry. Some things just shouldn't go published for all to see. And I think those are the kinds of things that people have to ask me about personally in order to really know.
That being said, I kind of hate that the things I write don't usually generate conversation. Even if/when people leave comments...it is still rather impersonal, and I don't particularly like that aspect of writing on here. Though there is a certain release that comes from getting my thoughts down. I really love to journal, but even when I write in my journal (which is supposed to be personal), I write as if some day someone will read what I have to say. I guess I always thought it would be something cool to share with my husband someday...though as time has passed, there are more and more bits that I don't particularly want to share with anyone. But I don't use this blog as a journal--so instead of chronicling what I've been up to, it more or less allows me to discuss life theories (because I seem to be coming up with new ones all the time) or comment on things I notice. And in that way, it allows me to put my ideas out there--which really aren't so much personal.
Again, I don't really feel like that was very coherent. Basically, I love to write out random stuff on here, as my mind is always churning on some new topic or I have some sort of experience with God that I can't help but share with anyone who will listen (PS--God is totally awesome). So maybe it's dorky...and it's probably just one more way that modern technology keeps us from having to have real conversations and connections with other humans...but I plan to keep it up anyways. Hopefully these ideas and conversations will go further than the computer screen and start real connections with people.
And if you're stalking me...learning all sorts of random secrets about me without me actually knowing you...then seriously, quit being creepy. Come talk to me. I'm more interesting in person anyway.
Monday, October 17, 2005
The Fabulous Girls of SC at Fall Retreat
We definitely made an awesome showing this year at retreat, and from experiencing Dena's first smore (granted, it was sort of fake--we had to use the microwave to make them) to getting a play by play of the Notre Dame game from Inge's sister on her cell, it was for sure a success and a great time of bonding with each other and with all the Quest-ers. I wish we could have all gone.
This weekend was especially good for me, as it came right between my two weeks of midterms. (I'm currently procrastinating on studying for my next one and finishing the take-home essays for today's...are we surprised?) It was such an excellent time of rest and fellowship. As the passage for the weekend came from John 15, I really got to experience abiding in Christ in a real way...few distractions and the solitude of nature. Here are my personal highlights...
*I met this guy named Grant who definitely went to Texas A&M, so we had this great College Station moment talking about places we liked to go. It was sort of dorky--yet way cool.
*There really is nothing like gloating about our AMAZING last-second victory in front of a bunch of Bruins...
*It snowed on Sunday, which was unbelievably cold, especially for little retard-me who didn't really pack for winter-esque weather. But I sucked it up and danced around in the falling flakes anyway.
*On a more God-level, I really enjoyed our small group time, especially the last time we met. We each shared a way in which we could testify personally to God working in our lives--this could probably warrant a new entry, but I'll just sum mine up in this one anyway...
For those that have heard my testimony, I've been through all sorts of crazy and gross drama--most everything you can think of, short of major drug addiction and jail time. But when I look at my life, those things don't really stand out as prominently as the fact that God has been so good to me. No matter what kinds of things I go through, God has constantly and consistently blessed me. He's there when it gets hard, and He is always surprising me with things I don't deserve: opportunities, material things, friends, and so on. So in all the yuck, I can still firmly stand on the truth that God is good. I hate my body and all the issues that come with it...but God is good. I hate how guys have treated me in the past...but God is so good. It's a peace and joy that I really wish I could pass on to other people.
*Saturday night's talk was really cool as well. At the end Lyndsey started setting up chairs and bowls of water, and, after being at Bel Air for a year now, I knew what was coming. I've done feet-washings a couple of times in my life...it's always a really bizarre experience. When Rhett got done talking, they invited the Bible study leaders and servant team up first, then we were given the opportunity to turn around and wash the others' feet. Something you have to understand about me in order to really get this--I HATE feet. That's only mostly true, I hate most feet. I think my feet are kind of cute. (I don't know if this makes me vain or just plain weird) But most feet I think are just gross or weird looking or some other negatively connotated term. However, when it comes to washing other people's feet, my personal biases go completely out the window. The idea of serving someone in such an intimate way is soo cool to me. I hate the idea of someone washing my feet (cute or not), but I don't mind serving someone else. But I knew that I had to humble myself to get my feet washed before I could wash someone else. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but it really gave me some insight into how the disciples must have felt when Jesus washed their feet. I felt really weird having Lyndsey (my Bible study leader and the women's intern at Quest) wash my feet just because I still kind of see her as my superior--but seriously, what would it have been like to have God Himself humbled at your feet, washing them--especially if you have uber-nasty feet like the disciples who walked everywhere in sandals. Whoa. I might have had a hernia. Who am I that the Creator of the universe would humble Himself to serve me...to die for me?
*Finally, the best God-moment was Saturday morning when we were all given the "assignment" to go off alone for 45 minutes with God. I found a big rock that sat high above part of a trail and looked out to the trees and mountain skyline. Wrapped up in my Mexican blanket, I let the strong winds blow the hair around my face--it was all a bit transcendent and so beautiful. The wind kept ripping through the trees in gusts and it reminded me of this passage:
1 Kings 19:11-12--"Then He said, 'Go out, and stand on the mountain before the Lord.' And behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind tore into the mountains and broke the rocks in pieces before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; and after the fire a still small voice..."
So I sat there for a while, pondering the command, "Be still, and know that I am God," and listening for a still small voice. After living for a year in the middle of South Central Los Angeles, I have learned to appreciate nature in a very real sense. As I sat admiring the beauty of God's creation--I heard it. That still small voice. It wasn't audible, but it was very real. You know that voice inside your head that most people call their conscience? I think that's exactly how the Holy Spirit speaks to Christians. Well that voice, which I firmly believe is God's Spirit within me, said very clearly, "Meredith, if you think My creation is beautiful, imagine how beautiful I am." I totally got chills. I can't even imagine what it will be like to look on the face of God. Crazy.
Overall, lots of laughter and tears (it's not a good retreat unless somebody cries...), pictures, and memories that will last forever.
And with that ridiculously cheesy last line, I'm done for the night.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
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