Today I pose the question--are guys really as stupid as we give them credit for? I'm working on a new theory about boys, and here's kind of how it goes:
A common discussion among girls is how unbelievably ignorant guys can be about a girl liking them. For those of us with the perhaps more old-school mindset that the guy should be the one to pursue in a relationship, this can be very frustrating. It means we have to be all sneaky about letting them know we are interested, in hopes that they will ask us out...and there's only so much a girl can do to show interest without just flat out saying, "Hey, I like you." I, personally, have trouble believing that a guy wouldn't be able to tell that I am interested in him--in the same way that I can tell that another girl I meet thinks that I'm cool, I feel like it should be easy for a guy to tell that a girl thinks he's cool. Obviously, it's not quite as easy to tell if a girl considers you a marriage prospect just by how she acts around you--but at least at a basic level, you know whether or not you repulse her. Now, if dating is just about getting to know a person better whom you find interesting (I know this is debatable, but for the sake of this argument, we will consider it a premise), then basic intrigue should be all that is required in order to initiate. Herein lies the problem. I don't think guys are oblivious to whether or not a girl seems intrigued, interested, or whatever. I think men are perfectly capable of judging basic human inclinations. What they lack are the guts to act on them. So it's not that a guy can't tell that a girl thinks he's cool--it's just that he wants a more definitive confirmation that if he puts himself out there, she's not going to utterly reject and humiliate him. It's not that he can't tell that you like him...he's either "just not that into you" or he doesn't have the guts to do anything about it.
In order to clear up any confusion--I don't intend to come across as a man-hater, because I'm not (although some days, I border on it). I realize that it takes a lot for a guy to have the courage to ask a girl out--there's the whole pride/ego thing and when emotions get involved, there really is a lot at stake and I don't want to demean that. But I don't buy the idea that guys just can't tell that you are interested. Unless you are 25 and still playing the "I avoid the guy I'm into like the plague" game there are basic, human ways of indicating interest. And if a girl is showing interest in a normal way, then it's not the guy's stupidity that's preventing them from getting together--there's something else. You aren't going to know whether or not that girl is romantically interested unless you do something about it--so shy of her saying, "I think I want to have your children and grow old with you," there might be a little work required on your part to see if the relationship will go anywhere (provided she's the type like me who expects the guy to make the first move). At this point you evaluate--is it worth the risk? Are you interested in advancing the relationship enough to risk rejection?
So--this is the new boy theory I'm throwing out there, all summed up: the idea that a guy can't tell whether or not a girl likes him is a shabby excuse for not having the courage to ask a girl out.
Here's where I'd really like some opinions. Perhaps I'm totally out in left field here--are we girls really that hard to read? I mean...I can see it when we are in Junior High, but by college we should have matured enough to act like normal human beings around each other. Am I wrong? I feel like sometimes we are pressured in to acting as if we don't know someone likes us, as if admitting that would make us prideful or something--so we pretend not to notice. But come on--I can usually tell if a guy likes me. Granted, there's no way for me to know if he's going to act on that or not...but I can still tell, at least on a basic level, he kind of digs me. I guess if I find it fairly easy to tell, then I don't buy that no one else seems to notice as well.
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3 comments:
I agree with your theory, but normally for guys, much is at stake here.
The problem is not that they do not see a girl showing interest in them, the problem is that they might think she is romantically inclined even when she is not!
Since guys generally find girls too complex a creature to understand, they want to play it safe. If a good friend of mine is apparently showing "interest" in me, I would like to maybe date her.
But then if she is not, and I am mis-reading her emotions [as guys often do - any book on the subject will tell you that the range of emotions guys understand are a small fraction of what girls are capable of expressing], there is a fair chance that our nice friendship will be ruined!
I think for most guys the risk is too much for the returns, and that is why they wait - although they think that they are getting all the right signals - just because they would want to be more certain.
That's my 2 cents!
Love and Luck,
Animesh
P.S. Nice blog, some really insightful posts! Keep it up!
okay okay, if you like me just say it straight out! i won't reject you or anything... but i can't promise that i'm marriage material.
but seriously, maybe guys just don't think about it as much as we do. you know? like, i don't realize when people are trying to be subtle, because i don't think about being subtle all that much (yes that's the main reason why i'm so awkward). i don't know. i try not to think about it. and just focus on all the ways i'm going to fail at letting him know i like him. that's how i roll.
I think one of my qualities/faults in this subject is that I'm so cocky when it comes to girls showing interest. Pretty much any time I interact with a girl and she doesn't flat out say or do something that says "get away from me you drooling maggot" then I assume that she likes me on some level. If a girl holds eye contact for a few seconds, or smiles, or doesn't repeatedly slam me in the face with a two-by-four full of quarter inch nails, then I take it as an indicator of interest.
I think girls underestimate how desperate most guys are for more female attention, regardless of how much they receive it. The problem for me arises when I consider the possability of acting on my suspicions that a girl may take interest in me as more than a friend.
In the past I've chosen to live in a fantasy world all girls liked me instead of venturing out and discovering what my options really were. I think most guys have experienced rejection by some girl they really liked at some point in their lives and that very real pain is enough to prevent them from risking it again without certainty.
Another common problem I believe many guys have is that even if you have the nuts to do something about a girl showing interest, most guys don't really know where to go from there. I know several years ago I hadn't the faintest idea how to go about discovering for sure if a girl really liked me or if she was just being polite (ok ok I'm still clueless give me a break). To confuse things further I think many girls give out fake signals of interest just because they enjoy the attention of having a guy respond, and it gives them a little self esteem boost.
My proposal is for the American culture to formally adopt a fullproof system which our fathers and forefathers have perfected time and time again... A folded piece of paper with the words inscribed "Do you like me? check yes, no, or maybe"
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