Nostalgia for Large Families, or Why Can't We All Just Be Friends?

I'm a huge advocate for small family size in America today--we're already over-populated and running out of plots to bury people. Plus, having two working parents in nearly every home leaves less time available to invest in the children, so it makes sense to only have two or three. Then there's the whole aspect of many children that's kind of obsolete, as in, you don't need ten farmhands, so having ten strapping boys just means more dirty laundry and less table manners.

But today it occured to me why we need large families. Maybe there's something to be said for four generations all living in the same household. We still need that safe-haven. Girls need brothers. I'm not sure how this applies to guys, so I won't venture there, but as a woman, this is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. If we were meant to live as families--blood community that suffers with you just because of who you are--then what implications does this have on those of us who are distant from our families emotionally and geographically?

Thanks to John Mayer, we are all familiar with the alleged effects of abusive fathers on girls. Anything from physical or emotional abuse to neglect clearly affects you as you grow up. But it's really more than that--no matter how old you get, men play an important role in how you view yourself and the rest of the world. My daddy and my brother are far away...but I still long for that male, protective presence in my life. In high school I must have been too preocupied being emo to appreciate having both a loving father and a brother to stand with me. Because I grew up around the same people for twelve years of school, many of my guy-friends were also like brothers. If I were at home, there are several of them that I could call for no reason or with any problem. Through time, those relationships developed into secure spaces for me because more or less, a brother's love is safe.

At the same time, I am also a huge believer in the idea that guys and girls can't really be friends. Especially as I get older, I notice that it is increasingly difficult to be friends with guys because getting to know each other requires intentionality, since you haven't had ten or so years of previous interaction. Intentionality implies interest...and interest usually turns out for the worse. Someone likes someone more and things get wierd and fall apart. So finding a deep friendship with a guy usually can only come in a romantic relationship.

Now here's where the problem all comes together: guys and girls can't really be friends...but we still need brothers in our lives. If my whole family lived together still, I could turn to Neil (my bro) or one of my guy cousins to complain, cry and find brotherly comfort. These men are safe because we are family. You can't/don't become romantically interested in blood relations. I can have a closeness with a brother that will be more fulfilling in some ways than I could ever have with a girlfriend...simply because he is a guy. Men and women compliment each other in a unique and God-designed way. From what I understand of the Bible, this is most closely represented in a marriage relationship, but in all types of community, it can be expressed on different levels. And without my family actually here, I really feel that void which my brother's filled. I'm not talking about that "hole" inside us that only God can fill, but the sense that a comfort and encouragement that I've grown accustomed to no longer supports me. Obviously, God has me in this place for a reason, and I trust that...but I still don't quite understand it. I miss having brothers. And I feel like I am at a place where the desire for romantic relationships prevents that familial option. Why can't the guys in my life really and truly be my brothers? It's on both sides--guys and girls are equally guilty of alterior intentions in relationships. It just makes life really frustrating because those does he/doesn't he/do I/don't I emotional attatchments are always at the back of my mind.

It's not really a fixable problem, I guess. But I just wanted to vent...and see if there are others who feel this too. Any suggestions? If men and women can't have deep friendships...but we desperately lack and really need those caring, familial relationships here in the Body of Christ, what do we do to remedy that?