I recently posted a bit of a review of Laura Sessions Stepp's book Unhooked, which discusses the cultural phenomenon of today's youth that prefer uncommitted "hook-ups" to any semblance of relationship. A real problem, I concur. But for the Christian, there's an added layer of difficulty. Not only is it rare for me to meet guys that prefer dating and relationships to hooking up, but a guy who is content with the fact that I won't sleep with him? Unheard of.
Maybe I should have titled this piece "Don't Hate Me Because I'm a Prude," because I'm not sure how beauty factors into all of this. The emo me usually assumes that my far-below quota number of dates this semester has something to do with me being too ugly or fat or stupid. A logical conclusion I'm sure, but my rational side looks at the statistics and thinks, I'm screwed.
Let's work with some numbers. At USC, there are approximately 33,000 students. According to my roommate Lauren, who is a USC tour guide, 48% of them are men. That means 15,840 men on campus. Grad and undergrad. Suppose we use this as a sample pool. The only concentration I know of on campus of "good Christian boys" would be the AGO house, so we'll use them as a reference. According the USC chapter's website, there are roughly 50 active guys. Now if at least 20% of them have girlfriends (a fair estimate I would guess) that leaves 40 available guys on campus, ignoring the fact that most of them are younger than me. This is not a time to be picky. That means that 0.25% of the men on campus are datable. That's one out of every 396 guys I meet that I might actually get with. Dare I eliminate a percentage of boys that I don't find attractive?
It's not really the odds that bother me. According to my mother, "It only takes one!" which is just fine with me, but what is really frustrating is that there is such a small number of good guys out here. Even within the church, you are not guaranteed to find guys that want to date someone, let alone are ok with not having sex. You can hook-up without having sex, but rarely do people date without sex.
Of course, now that I sound utterly pathetic, I should mention that I do know a few gems and that I only get bitter when I get mathematical. Girls are tricky. We so often assume the lowest common denominator--no one's dating me, I must have no value. I know it's a lie. I know my value in Christ, but those numbers are rough to swallow.
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2 comments:
Point of interest: what the hell is "hooking up" if its not having sex.
That aside, I suspect your statistics are a bit skewed. Just because a guy isn't part of whatever christian click you deem acceptable doesn't eliminate him from the category of sufficiently qualified prospects. If the "good guy" criteria is limited to guys who will accept your reluctance to put out prior to marriage then surely there are more out there than you indicate who see the clothed mere as having some value. Worst case scenario you could string them along with notion that you are potentially a nympho until they actually get to know your other qualities that you carefully screen so that you don't come off as too neurotic or crazy.
Unless this wasn't actually based on any logic and more of a "feel sorry for myself" vent than an actual complaint. In either case, don't settle, there are far worse fates than temporary loneliness.
To answer your question, hooking up is a purposely ambiguous term for anything from kissing to sex.
And to respond--you're right, there are a lot of good guys out there. I merely used AGO as a sample set so I could start working with numbers, on the assumption that the kind of guy I want to date is a devout Christian and involved in some sort of ministry on campus. I'm sure my numbers are off, but probably only by a small fraction. Much of the problem I am finding today is that there are very few people (Christians included) that consider it important to wait until they are married to have sex. Maybe it's because we push marriage back further and further, into the 30s and 40s, which makes it hard to wait. Either way, I know plenty of guys who respect me for who I am (clothes-on) who, if we were to date, would still plan to get me clothes-off before too long, which is something I'm just not ok with. All the while, I love the point you make at the end, "there are far worse fates than temporary loneliness." I would add, without a boyfriend, I don't even need to feel that loneliness, because not only do I have Jesus, but He has blessed me with many friends and a great family who love me very much. My melodramatic self likes to dwell on the idea that I'll always be single and alone, but I know the truth: singleness doesn't mean that I'm alone.
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