Reason Number 274 to Hate LA...

...when that guy you almost dated, but never got around to, scores a leading role on some sitcom.

Even if it is on "The N"...

The Best Storybook Ending

I wish you could see life like I see it.

If you took a picture of me in my living room right now, it would fit quite nicely in some home magazine. The couches are properly fluffed and on the coffee table sits a warm flickering candle, a classy brown magazine tray and a wine glass (which is actually filled with sweet tea--we have somehow lost all of our glasses and needed to resort to the wine variety for tonight's dinner). I'm curled up on one couch, wrapped in an oversize sweater, listening to Sara Barielles, computer on one side of me, knitting on the other. It's almost ten now, and I can do whatever I'd like to fill the next few hours before I decide to sleep. No paper to write or reading to complete.

I look around myself and something about the lighting and the food settling in my stomach endorse a long, full sigh. My breathing becomes smoother, deeper, and my eyes glaze over in that sultry way they do sometimes with the pleasure of a good drink or after a nice nap. Something about this moment lets me know that everything is going to be alright. God is good. Even in the bumps and struggles, I wouldn't do it any other way.

I got a call this morning from my brother, who just started the baby steps toward parenthood with a positive EPT. In nine months, if it's a boy, he'll be Bradley Oliver Cooper. "Aren't you totally freaked out?" I asked him. Each of his words comes out with purpose and purity: "No. I'm so excited...I'm gonna be a dad.." Something inside me gets just a little softer.

Epic adventures. Pain and heartache. But always a happy ending.

This is the best of fairy tales.

Why the Disclaimer?

Running on the treadmill this morning, I set my iPod to play, assuming it would embark, on my behalf, on a journey through the bizarre troves of my music. I get bored with predictability, so the shuffle option is my favorite.

My iPod started playing the A's. Oh well.

Too lazy to hit "Menu" in order to select the shuffle feature, I listened through Anna Nalick's cd, one I had to put on the back-burner for a while because it was starting to get old hat. When it got to a song called, "Consider This," my posture straightened and a smirk crept over my face. There's a little angry chick inside me that loves the snide, I-told-you-so type songs--a disclaimer, warning someone against the relational danger that is me. Anna was singing my tune...

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

This isn't the only song of its kind that rolls through my brain every now and again. The Dixie Chicks put it this way:

Don't waste your heart on a wild thing
She's got a soul that won't settle on one thing
Oh this bird can't sing when you've tied its wings
Don't waste your heart on me.

I don't understand why I want to connect to these themes--do I seriously undervalue myself like this? I think it's a sort of false humility that aims at belittling my personal qualities in order to avoid coming across as prideful. I think it's pretty stupid. I would hope that in any relationship, I would present my best, most caring self--never manipulating, isolating, or sabotaging. And I'm really not like that with my girlfriends, so I don't know why I have this romanticized pessimism when it comes to dating. I used to think that I'd be the perfect girlfriend, wife, mother. After all, I had the perfect training throughout childhood. Now, my ever-peeking inner drama-queen clings to the opposite extreme. If I'm not lamenting my potential to botch what might be a good thing, I'm throwing myself an equally whiny pity party about something else.

***

As I review these words I've just written, wondering whether or not I should round out a triad of song examples, I think through my repertoire and only one other comes to mind. It's simple. Childlike. But it fits.

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
(Where?)
Down in my heart.
(Where?)
Down in my heart.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
Down in my heart to stay.

In the News

Survey Says...

Motherhood sucks.

And my waist should be 23 inches.

Oh what a world, what a world...

Rather than melt into a damp pile of steamy nothing (except my black witch's hat), I try to think rationally about all the news happening around me. I'm surprised that I haven't received a call yet from my Aunt Joy in Texas, asking if my house is on fire. Usually she's the first to stress over my safety. If there's a mudslide down in Long Beach, I expect the phone to ring. An earthquake near Stanford? Perhaps an email. Though a little over-dramatic, it's comforting in its own way.

Today when I read that our local celebrity rehab clinic, Promises, has been evacuated due to the flames, I couldn't help but roll my eyes as I contemplated where all those poor, displaced coke addicts would go. Thank goodness that made the news. I found the other two, more solid articles on a website for a UK newspaper. It reminded me about a conversation I had with a friend last night about how we want to move abroad. Of course if I leave LA for London, I suppose I'll still have to deal with issues of isolation, anti-family sentiment, and the never-ending drive to be skinny. Surprise, surprise...there's no escapism in moving.

There's nothing quite like the pessimism of coming off a retreat. But, despite the tone of this post, I actually don't feel bad right now. It's easier to avoid the crash after a mountain top experience if you never actually went up there in the first place. And, even though I was technically at a higher altitude, being in Big Bear and all, the most glorious part of the weekend was just spending quality time with some girls I don't see as often as I'd like. A few profound moments of God-connection, some delightful arts and crafts, and four hours in front of the TV watching the SC game, and you've got the Sparknotes version of the Shoreline Women's Retreat. Most of what I have to say about it will stay in the pages of my personal journal, but I liked Chrissie's summation. And if I had to end this tirade on a profound statement of theme, I guess it would be that I am still (and probably always will be) learning how to balance my involvement in the world with my desire to escape it. And even though I get mad a lot about the way things are, at least I can rest in the steadfast nature of a Good, Good God.

What then are we to say about these things? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not withhold his own Son, but gave him up for all of us, will he not with him also give us everything else?

Romans 8:31-32

The Problem with Definitions

Possibly the most politically incorrect song I've heard in a long time is "I Enjoy Being a Girl" from the Broadway musical Flower Drum Song. Here are the words, for your skimming convenience:

I'm a girl, and by me that's only great!
I am proud that my silhouette is curvy,
That I walk with a sweet and girlish gait
With my hips kind of swivelly and swervy.

I adore being dressed in something frilly
When my date comes to get me at my place.
Out I go with my Joe or John or Billy,
Like a filly who is ready for the race!

When I have a brand new hairdo
With my eyelashes all in curl,
I float as the clouds on air do,
I enjoy being a girl!

When men say I'm cute and funny
And my teeth aren't teeth, but pearl,
I just lap it up like honey
I enjoy being a girl!

I flip when a fellow sends me flowers,
I drool over dresses made of lace,
I talk on the telephone for hours
With a pound and a half of cream upon my face!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

When men say I'm sweet as candy
As around in a dance we whirl,
It goes to my head like brandy,
I enjoy being a girl!

When someone with eyes that smoulder
Says he loves ev'ry silken curl
That falls on my iv'ry shoulder,
I enjoy being a girl!

When I hear the compliment'ry whistle
That greets my bikini by the sea,
I turn and I glower and I bristle,
But I happy to know the whistle's meant for me!

I'm strictly a female female
And my future I hope will be
In the home of a brave and free male
Who'll enjoy being a guy having a girl... like... me.

A) I have NEVER compared myself to a "filly" before a date.
B) I don't particularly like talking on the phone, nor do I ever put a pound and a half of anything on my face.
C) I'm pretty sure that whistling at a woman has not been appropriate for quite some time.
D) I'm going to run out of alphabet if I keep going like this.

All in all, the song is catchy, which is why I put it on my Big Bear mix to listen to on the way up to the women's retreat. (I tried to eliminate any songs that talked about boys or love per the insistence of a certain friend of mine.) I started listening to the mix this evening while I happened to be talking to someone about the difference between men and women. It's funny to me when a guy friend tries to tell me "women are like this..." I guess mostly it's funny because I do the same thing, trying to peg men as such or such...a bunch of stereotypes. I heard somewhere that stereotypes are upsetting because they are based on truth. I don't know. Anyway, I was amused. And as I listened carefully to the words, I started getting a little more pensive.

What is a woman, anyway?

(Answers to come later...or perhaps never..)

The Lonely Hearts Club

One of my dad's commonly reminisced memories from college is about the time when he and three of his best friends were all single. On Friday nights, when other people were out on dates, they got together to form a "Lonely Hearts Club," a bit of a play on words to describe not only their relational state of being, but also their activity and occasion for gathering: playing the card game, Hearts. I don't know why he always tells this story, which is really not much of a story, but a random factoid that he throws out whenever it seems to fit the conversation. If it were me, I would keep that info tucked away, an embarrassing moment in history that belongs in a textbook footnote. Alas, not my dad.

Trolling through sermons today, I came across a REALLY bad sermon illustration, a joke (Anecdote? Unclassifiable bit of speech?) about some poor schmuck getting rejected from his local Lonely Hearts Club with the line, "We're not that lonely." Reminded me of my dad...in both the mentioning of a Lonely Hearts Club and in it's being the kind of lame joke that I often give him a hard time for telling.

So when I say trolling, what I mean is that I did a sermon search on Crosswalk.com to see what any of the big whigs that get their sermons posted up there had to say about loneliness. The topic has been on my mind lately, and not really in the emo, I-want-a-boy kind of way, but just in the sense that I live my life without the presence of a day-to-day family to come home to. My dad keeps nudging me back towards songwriting, and one of the biggest themes that keeps coming up in my writing is how much it can suck to live in a city--where it's hard to consistently keep in touch with people.

Unfortunately, the sermon search is a total tease--they only give you the first 300ish characters, then you have to buy the manuscript. Lame. Despite only getting the intro to a whole bunch of sermons (including plenty of random statistics and several more bad jokes stolen and recycled by pastors I've never heard of), I came out with some interesting stuff.

First was a bit of encouragement quoted from Rudyard Kipling, who said, "The human soul is essentially a very lonely thing. We are born alone, die alone, and in the depths of our heart we live alone." Thanks, Rudy. How uplifting. I get a mental image of the old-school Brit with an emo comb-over. Moving on...

Anytime I start to feel alone, I try to remember that no matter what, God is with me. I like that. It's comforting to know that He loves me so personally that He will never leave me or forsake me. On those days, what I really want to do is curl away somewhere, Bible and journal in hand, and avoid the rest of the world for the rest of my time here. It reminds me that heaven will be so great because the only thing I'll do is be in constant fellowship with God. Me and Him. Connected. It makes me want to get there soon.

The next stop for my train of thought is on the truth in Scripture that God has purposed my life. If I were not called to live here among others for some reason or another, He would take me home already.

Hmm...how to be in the world, but not of it?

Especially since I distrust the credibility of these sermons, I didn't take much from what the pastors cut and pasted together, but I did pick up on some common scripture references and figured that if it's in the Bible, you can't really go wrong.

Usually they start in Genesis: the first case of loneliness happens early in the Bible, when God says, "it is not good for the man to be alone" (2:18). God's design was that we would be made in His image--in the image of the Trinity, that famous three-in-one conundrum. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit enjoy perfect community at all times. So, I think, if I'm supposed to be made in the image of God, why is my community a 30 minute drive down the 10 Freeway? Survey says, the Fall. Who knew some hungry chick could cause us all these problems? God intended for Adam and Eve to experience the kind of relational joy that would reflect the nature of their Creator, but along the way, humankind got a little (understatement) out of whack.

Other points of interest I found woven into sermons were references to King David and King Solomon, both of which expressed the anguish of being alone and the great problem of it: "...but woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up!" (see Ecc. 4:9-12). Fast forward a few years and we find Paul struggling with the same kinds of things. He ends up in prison, and people really start to bail on him. I thought I had it bad.

It didn't take too long, though, for me to get bored with my sermon search. I would have gladly traded in all of those openers for the last 300 characters of each sermon. Assuming each one fit the 3-point sermon system (and they all seemed to, from what I saw), the last few words would be a sign off and application point. Ok, so we see loneliness in the Bible. We understand that it's not the best case scenario...but what do we do with it? How would these pastors attempt to solve the problem? A few verses of encouragement: God is always by our side...? Or maybe a charge to get involved in each others lives.

I pull out my journal and write out a few more phrases that I might try to eventually formulate into a song. It's all rough and thematic at this point, but I keep going back to the same line.

What if I called you and asked to come and sit with you a while?
We don't have to talk, I just want to feel your nearness warming my skin.

Closure

Something in the universe is out of whack...

I just got an email from my summer FEMINISM professor, asking if I had suggestions about where to buy or rent a nice Halloween costume.

She's going as Sleeping Beauty.

I rest my case.

The Joys of Roommates

I may regret the vulnerability of this post, but the subject was just too funny to keep inside...

First, some back-story:

On Friday I had my hair done, which was apparently the last chemically-colored straw. My mane decided to rebel in full force to the harsh dyes I've taken in over the years and now feels like straw. Some call it "crispies," others would describe it as "fried," either way it adds up to NOT GOOD. When I tried to style it on Sunday morning, I thought I would start crying. I had to turn off my music on the car ride to church and recite to myself all the verses I could think of about how God looks at the inner beauty of the heart. It was the ultimate test: whose approval am I seeking? Pathetic...but very real in its own way.

So I was complaining about my hair to my roommates tonight--contemplating whether the butch haircut needed to eliminate all the breakage would be more attractive than just shaving it off completely--when Alethea pipes up, "Maybe it's God's way of telling you that you shouldn't be dating right now." It doesn't seem so far-fetched. After all, I found I can sort of mask the damage from a distance...as long no one gets close enough to touch it, I'll be ok.

A later point in the conversation made her hypothesis seem even more probable. This part requires a bit more discretion, so forgive me for leaving out some of the details. See, besides hair issues, I've also got this cyst on my lower back which according to my doctor is not cancerous, just aesthetically displeasing. The girls and I discussed lancing options. Kirstin asked to see it...to give herself some reference for the subject at hand. She responded in expletives. And had to sit down for a while before we could proceed. Alethea: "Yeah...I think God really doesn't want you to date." I'm a freak.

So herein lies the test...because it would take an act of God for any guy who reads this to still be interested in me, why not expose my freakdom for all eyes to see? So if God doesn't want me to date, I've just made things a little easier on myself.

Is there SIN in SINgleness?

Geez I hope not...especially since I'm kind of liking being single right now. Fortunately for all of us, the articles I read recently over at The Purple Cellar (and...um...in the BIBLE) seem to agree: it's definitely not. Good for me. Good for a lot of my friends.

A couple of days ago I announced to my friend Ashley that I'm going on a dating hiatus. She and I fasted from boys for a month last January. She actually challenged me to a whole year, to which I responded by laughing at her. We compromised for a month. Needless to say, she's on board with my new resolution. I explained it to her using the same reasoning that a guy friend of mine (who will remain nameless) used to explain himself. When I realized that I only wanted a boyfriend for the benefits I could get from it...I decided it was probably not a good idea for me to even go there. To avoid simply using someone, I'm just going to avoid relationships altogether. A wise choice, if I do say so myself.

Actually, I'd never really considered singleness anything other than Godly and wise. In fact, my youth leaders back in Junior High and High School were very adamant in their caution against dating relationships that would only distract from a relationship with God. You can imagine my surprise when those web articles seemed to suggest that there are a lot of people who look down on what they are now calling "protracted singleness." Maybe I get it--the thought of 40 year old men still living with their mommies...I guess you could harp on that as a lack of responsibility or something...but if we are talking about a bunch of career minded, successful, single people, well that can't be bad...right? Without the worries of a boyfriend or husband, don't I have more time to be concerned with other important ministry stuff? Paul says he wishes we could all be single like him, which makes it sound like marriage is weakness. Only for people who can't control their sex-drive. Speaking of...the human sex drive is probably so strong because otherwise we'd never pair off and procreate. It might explain the reasoning for the oppression of women too--because if we weren't told for all those years that giving birth makes us valuable...we probably wouldn't do it!

Ok...that might be my cynicism going a bit too far. Don't quote me there. But I will venture to say that the Biblical command to abstain from sex before marriage does make me think twice about wanting to do it (getting married, I mean). I wonder sometimes if I would bother with marriage at all if I had no qualms about sex before it. Why commit to someone for "better or worse" when you could commit to "till something better comes along"?

I asked my dad this while I was at home this summer. My parents have been married for over 25 years now, through both better and worse, so I figured he'd have some insight--is it really worth it? He says it is. Not that I expected him to say anything different, but according to my dad, there's something about that level of commitment that makes it worth it to get married. I do like the idea that our earthly marriages are supposed to mirror God's relationship with the church. If God made us to desire a committed relationship to him, then it seems natural that we would desire those relationships with each other. The Bible says that God is more faithful to us than we could ever reciprocate, but it also promises that our faithfulness to God is the route to deeper and deeper intimacy with him. So it goes, I guess, in marriage. The more committed we are to one another, the deeper our relationship can go. And that seems worth it. After all, who hasn't felt all alone at one time or another? Or at more times than others? Maybe what we need in life is less dating and more genuine commitment. More hands to hold on to as we walk through life and less surface level encounters.

I'm willing to bet that part of my aversion to relationships lately has been a defense mechanism against feeling sad about my circumstantial not having one (or at least that sounds like what the current psychobabble would say). Now that I'm happier alone for the moment, I have to go and analyze again why I should prefer to be married. Way to go me. Now I feel bad for not wanting what I've just convinced myself I should want. But maybe there's a simpler solution: really what I think I've just proven, or theorized...or whatever...is that people were created for relationships--for commitment that leads to intimacy. Not a foreign idea, and not foreign in a practical sense in my own life. I totally have that kind of intimacy. I mean, not as much lately--but I know why--how often do I wake up and think about the commitment I have made to my friends? To love and serve and encourage my church family at Shoreline? I've heard that marriages go bad when you start looking at them as something to fill your needs--like when I go to church because I like how it "fires me up" or how the people make me feel good about myself--when I really should view the people in my life in light of the commitment I've made to them. Friends come and go when you rate them according to how much they do for you. But friends that you commit yourself to--well you don't let those friends go because you made a commitment not to. It's the same reason I'm so close to my family--because we are bound by that blood affiliation, a tie which we (at least in my family) respect enough to fight for, even when things get messy. I guess I view blood as the deepest of commitments--one that maybe I didn't willingly make, but I still wholeheartedly honor. And it's definitely had its benefits. If I could view all the relationships in my life as equally predestined, maybe they could all go just as deep and be just as powerful as the few that I am most committed to.

Any sin in singleness? Probably not in a lot of cases--but there is certainly shame in it. A shame that we don't take more advantage of ALL the people God has blessed our lives with. A shame that we don't view our lives in light of the unique opportunities of each stage.

***

"Therefore rid yourselves of all sordidness and rank growth of wickedness, and welcome with meekness the implanted word that has the power to save your souls. But be doers of the word, and not merely hearers who deceive themselves. For if any are hearers of the word and not doers, they are like those who look at themselves in a mirror; for they look at themselves and, on going away, immediately forget what they were like. But those who look into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and persevere, being not hearers who forget but doers who act—they will be blessed in their doing." James 1:21-25

My Peach Cobbler is Stellar

We finally hung up our huge clock in the dining area, but now there is no table. Instead, the space is occupied by three Princess dresses and a bag of trash that needs to go out. I think I'll go table shopping on Sunday.

I opened up a lovely Reisling from World Market and also Germany. They bottled it in 2005.

My current stressors include inspiring high school seniors to write deep college application essays and encouraging the Immac girls not to take such long bathroom breaks.

My dad takes mini vacations where he goes into the woods to write songs. He finished his first one and sent it to me.

My coworker Ashanti sends us transportation lists each morning with a little rhyme. I tried to return the favor today. Mine sucked.

My roommies all have midterms and study very hard. I read books and go to the gym.

And bake pies.

This has been surface level thoughts by Meredith Cooper.