Why the Disclaimer?

Running on the treadmill this morning, I set my iPod to play, assuming it would embark, on my behalf, on a journey through the bizarre troves of my music. I get bored with predictability, so the shuffle option is my favorite.

My iPod started playing the A's. Oh well.

Too lazy to hit "Menu" in order to select the shuffle feature, I listened through Anna Nalick's cd, one I had to put on the back-burner for a while because it was starting to get old hat. When it got to a song called, "Consider This," my posture straightened and a smirk crept over my face. There's a little angry chick inside me that loves the snide, I-told-you-so type songs--a disclaimer, warning someone against the relational danger that is me. Anna was singing my tune...

And dreaming doesn't do no good
Cause I don't wanna lie
That I'm okay and I'm alright
I'd rather take it and forget it
Consider this a warning
Cause I'll start another fight
And you'll say its all alright
I'll wait for the day when you find I'm too much for you, baby
So lay your hands over me
And feel what you only see
But don't bother wasting your time if you're trying to change me

This isn't the only song of its kind that rolls through my brain every now and again. The Dixie Chicks put it this way:

Don't waste your heart on a wild thing
She's got a soul that won't settle on one thing
Oh this bird can't sing when you've tied its wings
Don't waste your heart on me.

I don't understand why I want to connect to these themes--do I seriously undervalue myself like this? I think it's a sort of false humility that aims at belittling my personal qualities in order to avoid coming across as prideful. I think it's pretty stupid. I would hope that in any relationship, I would present my best, most caring self--never manipulating, isolating, or sabotaging. And I'm really not like that with my girlfriends, so I don't know why I have this romanticized pessimism when it comes to dating. I used to think that I'd be the perfect girlfriend, wife, mother. After all, I had the perfect training throughout childhood. Now, my ever-peeking inner drama-queen clings to the opposite extreme. If I'm not lamenting my potential to botch what might be a good thing, I'm throwing myself an equally whiny pity party about something else.

***

As I review these words I've just written, wondering whether or not I should round out a triad of song examples, I think through my repertoire and only one other comes to mind. It's simple. Childlike. But it fits.

I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
(Where?)
Down in my heart.
(Where?)
Down in my heart.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart
Down in my heart to stay.