Fortunate Fool

Despite the unfortunate consequences that all of this Chow Mein has had on my weight loss goals, Confucius seems to be saying that things are looking up for me. Always a fan of the fortune cookie, I've been pleasantly surprised by the latest mantras on those little slips of paper. A few days ago it was...

"You will find good fortune in love."

Always a bonus, I figure. Shortly thereafter, it was supplemented with..

"A thrilling time is in your immediate future."

Which came right along the time that things got exciting with my job at work. But despite how pleased I am with these two, nothing could quite throw me for a loop like the fortune that came in my cookie at P. F. Chang's tonight:

"Wearing green will bring you the luck of the Leprechauns."

What???

But Then I Get My Second Wind

I love how just when I start to think my life is going to tank, God pulls through.

I love how I knew all along that He would.

I love how I know that so many people were lovingly lifting me up in their prayers.

I love how God reminds me that He was listening to my own.

I love that God brought me down a path I didn't want, only to prove through and through that His plan was better than the one I'd concocted on my own.

I love that God has put me in a job I don't deserve and I probably can't handle, just so I'll have to trust Him to pull through again.

I love how this blessing will open up opportunities for me to bless others.

I love how I know that when times get hard again, I can look back to this moment and say, I've tasted and seen how God is good.

I love how God has been merciful to me.

I love how God has given me abundantly more than anything I could dream, imagine, or ever hope to deserve.

I love that God is my Hope, my Friend, my Helper, my Counselor, my Savior, my Love.

I love God.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow...

Where Did We Go Wrong?

I've now officially had two conversations with (respectable, godly) men I know, who confessed to me that the reason they are uninterested in dating right now is because they don't think that a girlfriend is worth all the effort. Admittedly selfish, both explained their own version of the same predicament: investing in a woman takes time and energy and, frankly, the costs on this one outweigh the benefits.

On a seemingly unrelated note, work is really stressful right now. I've avoided writing lately because there were some big changes about to happen that I wasn't really authorized to discuss. Though I still don't really know what is going to happen as they shift positions around, it's finally safe to tell people: my boss left on Friday. This opens up all sorts of questions, not about job security, but about potential promotion and also major revamping of the entire center. None of that really matters here--the point is, we're really busy. Stress is at all time highs. At the end of the day today, the owner asked me how I was doing, on a scale of 1-10. On a normal day, I function at a 9-10, I said--able to handle all my duties, fairly stress free. I told him that today was about a 7.

Bawling so hard on the way home that I could barely see the road in front of me...perhaps would indicate otherwise.

It's times like these that I start to feel kind of lonely. It would be really nice if, at the end of a day full of drama like today, I had someone to come home to. Even if all we did was sit down to watch TV or I made him dinner or whatever, it would be nice to have someone to lay down next to--a physical reminder that my life is much bigger than a job or career. I know that when it comes down to it, man or not, that statement is true: God desires more for my life than success at work. And He has certainly provided so much more, through friends, family and church, but I guess I always figured it would also include starting my own family. If you had asked me in high school, I would have said that by 22, I'd be on the cusp of marriage, kids at 25, and some sort of piddly job in the meantime to keep me occupied. I never expected a serious job, let alone a career, yet God has blessed me in this route, rather than through family (at least up until this point). I feel horribly guilty to even vent or complain right now since God has been gracious enough to not only provide for me on this alternate path, but to bless me in it, tremendously. But like the spoiled brat I tend to be, I feel that sinking dissatisfaction and the underlying, creeping question, "Is this all there is?"

Cue in my aforementioned conversation. While I understand the plight facing many men these days, it's hard not to take it personally when I hear them say that women are just not worth the fight. While I know the slight isn't specifically aimed at me, it's difficult to hear anything but, "Meredith, you could never be of enough value to outweigh the pain and trouble I would go through just trying to manage and deal with you." It's heartbreaking to think that we, as women, have created such a reputation for ourselves that men don't even want to bother with us. It's even worse to think that maybe this problem is so big that I won't ever be able to fight or fix it. Do we blame feminism? How do we get down to the root of it all?

Having been groomed for marriage, I find myself struggling in a world that no longer caters to that lifestyle. I hope my frustration is not a simple matter of discontent with my relationship status--I think it's bigger than that. It would be one thing to face the men I know (and *blushes* those I have a crush on) if the problem was that "he's just not that into me," but it's an entirely different problem if men, as an entire species, have just given up on their God-given counterparts. I have girl friends on both sides of the fence: some think that if a guy actually, really liked someone, he would think she's worth the effort and make a move, and I know others that ball-bust men for their sinful selfishness. I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to shout from the rooftops--"We aren't all that bad!!" I'd at least hope to convince people that I'm not one of them. But to no avail.

I sadly wonder if we won't all remain miserable in mediocre lives that never taste and see the goodness of intimacy that the Lord designed. Years of Sunday School grow fuzzy as I try to think up where in the Bible God talks about marriage as a good thing...

"The Lord God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone..." Gen 2:18

Marriage and Family Promotion

When I first got to Shoreline, I coined myself the Official Baby Promotion Specialist...mostly because I was always telling the married couples that they should start having babies...or trying to encourage anyone out of college to settle down already so we could have some kids in the church. I was so young, so naive.

Turns out, maybe we need more marriage and family promotion. A friend sent me this article, one of those ask-the-specialist columns, that discusses another article about SYM's (Single Young Men) and what a grand problem they are creating for society.

The first article, titled "Child-Man in the Promised Land," attempts to explain the Peter Pan Syndrome...that men nowadays "just won't grow up." The writer, Kay Hymowitz, has plenty of pop culture support and thoughtful proof that there is seriously a problem. It's worth a read if you have the time, but the crux of the argument seems to be the following:

"It is marriage and children that turn boys into men. Now that the SYM can put off family into the hazily distant future, he can—and will—try to stay a child-man."

And more insultingly, "Men are 'more unfinished as people,'...Young men especially need a culture that can help them define worthy aspirations. Adults don’t emerge. They’re made."

Expert "Dr. Helen," adds some of her own analysis:

"I guess everyone has their blind spot when it comes to why men don’t toe the line and provide society with what it needs or wants despite little reward and plenty of headache for being a modern day husband and father...Nowadays, for many men, the negatives of marriage for men often outweigh the positives. Therefore, they engage in it less often. Not because they are bad, not because they are perpetual adolescents, but because they have weighed the pros and cons of marriage in a rational manner and found the institution to be lacking for them. It’s a sensible choice for some and the video games, magazines, and humor websites that Hymowitz disses are a way to fill one’s time with fun activities that don’t tell you that you suck, are an “unfinished person,” emotionally detached or on your way to jail for fake domestic violence charges. People used to treat men better than this."

I don't know that I have much more to add that these two haven't covered. I wanted to link to the articles because I think they say it better than I could.

Regardless, the whole dramatic affair just reminds me that there are a lot of problems in this world. I don't want to be the nagging, bitter, feminist type (while I am undoubtedly grateful to feminism for giving me the opportunities I have today), so I'd be curious to hear more male voice on the subject. I understand why marriage would be worth it for me, and I hope that I can make marriage worth it for a man someday. Perhaps we need more married men to speak out about why it's a good thing to be "tied down." And as a woman, are there ways that I am spinning or imagining marriage that will one day put too much pressure on the guy I'm with? I know that girls are all relational and whatnot, but don't guys benefit from the intimacy of marriage as well?

When I first moved out here, I thought I had a pretty good grasp on all things relational. I probably did. But I was a couple of decades off in my calculations.

Education

I always say that when I feel particularly nostalgic for Texas, I start drinking beer and listening to country music. Though I've yet to replenish my stash of Shiner, I have been listening to country radio, even when the songs are especially hickish. And, I'm almost embarrassed to say, the one song that I've (more than once) turned up to jam along with is the Billy Ray/Miley Cyrus song, "Ready, Set, Don't Go." A self-proclaimed opponent to the Hannah Montana teeny bopper, I still find myself a sucker for any father-daughter stuff, no matter how cheesy or poorly written it is. After all, I am quite the daddy's girl at heart, so songs like this (see also Chuck Wicks' "Stealing Cinderella," Sugarland's "Everyday America," and Heartland's "I Loved Her First") always get to me.

I'm learning to appreciate where I come from.

And when I think about origins, my mind naturally wanders to God. This week at Shoreline we started a new series about Adoration. As life settles in a little for me, I find myself more regularly hanging out with God, reading His Word and praying. Amid what had seemed like inapplicable tales from Israeli history, I stumbled onto Isaiah 40.

I'm learning to adore my Creator.

It makes me think about how I was created. I was amused the other day with the thought that perhaps what makes me such a good worker is the very same thing that will make me a good wife someday--I submit well to the authority of others. I'd prefer to be in the subordinate position. At work, this is perfect, since I often have no clue what I'm doing. I have little to no training with educating high schoolers, but I'm smart and energetic, and I'll do what I'm told. I'm sure that when I get married, I'll be difficult to deal with in other ways, but when it comes to big family decisions, I'd just as soon follow directions than have to bear the weight of choosing which path to take. Ironically, this doesn't filter as easily into my relationship with God. After how amazingly faithful He has been to me, I cannot for the life of me understand why I don't readily and easily submit to Him. I wonder if submitting to God is one of those things that I'm going to understand more deeply once I get married. Like how they say you understand God's perspective as a father once you are a parent yourself.

I'm learning to find balance within my own heart.

Perhaps the most unbalanced part of me lately is where I fall on the Man-hater -- Goddess-mother spectrum. Recently, I have been praying (almost reluctantly) that God would soften me. I've noticed that I had let my circumstances really harden my heart toward all things family and relationship related. I was getting snarky and selfish. But at least I blended in. It wasn't until I had a conversation with a good friend of mine that I started to see how unattractive that was. In telling me about some of his own reasons for being single right now (that he's just being selfish and doesn't want to have to put someone else's feelings above his own), he got me thinking about my views on the subject. I realized that I wanted a relationship for the very same reason that he didn't--I'm selfish. I started to like being alone because without a man in my life, everything can be about me. But rather than avoid relationships because of my own shortcomings, I would love to have another person to butt heads against, someone who will both reveal my issues and help me walk through them. Iron sharpening iron, if you will. I want to know what it's like to selflessly love and care for another person. I think maybe that's what I always wanted--not so much the cheesy stuff, the roses or romance, but the hard things, being real and gracious and humble. Love, as a challenge. And so much more deep and beautiful because of it.

I'm learning that God answers my prayers.

It's kind of scary--letting my guard down again. It's scary in the same way that it was scary that summer morning when I was 17 and I realized that God might want me to leave College Station to go to school in California. That morning when I cried because maybe He was going to change my plans and I didn't know if I could really do it. I can look at that and smile now because even though this isn't where I planned to be, I'm glad it's where God brought me. I didn't get my ring by spring or that picket fence life that used to look so charming. But I'm glad to be in a place where church going isn't the norm for any upstanding member of society. I'm glad I have a family here who reminds me that it's about loving Jesus, not doing a thousand different things to polish up my holy sheen. Granted, I sometimes feel like I'm not as "good of a Christian" as I used to be. My life doesn't cut out neatly or stay inside the lines. But at the end of the day, I feel God more than I ever did and I'm getting to know Him in ways that I never expected.

Sometimes I don't even know which way is up. But I'm learning.