Roxy Says Goodnight

For some reason as I was putting myself away for the evening, an old memory slipped in with the chill Boston breeze. I was thinking of saying my goodnights to the girls I'm chaperoning on our college tour, when the tiny little girl voice inside me quoted lines from one of my first plays, The Music Man. The Amaryllis in me asked my older, more mother-esque, sensible self, "But Miss Meredith, if I don't have a sweetheart, who am I supposed to say goodnight to on the evening star?"

"Well. I guess you can just say...goodnight my...my...someone. Goodnight my someone."

*Cue the music*

While I was looking around online to find out what exactly Amaryllis says to Miss Marian, the stuffy, single librarian-slash-piano teacher, I came across the song that comes just before "Goodnight my Someone," and it ends a little something like this...

Mrs. Paroo:
But, darlin'--when a woman has a husband
And you've got none,
Why should she take advice from you?
Even if you can quote Balzac and Shakespeare
And all them other highfalutin' Greeks.

Marian:
Momma, if you don't mind my sayin' so,
You have a bad habit of changin' ev'ry subject--

Mrs. Paroo:
Well, I haven't changed the subject!
I was talking about that stranger--

Marian:
What stranger?

Mrs. Paroo:
With the suitcase who may be your very last chance.

Marian:
Mama!
Do you think that I'd allow a common masher--
Now, really Mama!
I have my standards where men are concerned,
And I have no intention--

Mrs. Paroo:
I know all about your standards
And if you don't mind my sayin' so
There's not a man alive
Who could hope to measure up to that blend'a
Paul Bunyan, Saint Pat and Noah Webster
You've got concocted for yourself outta your Irish imagination,
Your Iowa stubbornness, and your liberry fulla' books!

It's interesting to look back at that play and see how politically incorrect (or socially out of date) it is--the women shun Marian because she is single. And Marian is clearly still single because she is a stubborn intellectual type. Her mother, Mrs. Paroo, tries to convince Marian that she ought to loosen up a little, get to know the new (attractive and suave) stranger in town. Hilarity ensues.

Funny how times have changed. Not only would a feminist interpretation have a HAY DAY with Mrs. Paroo's comments (not to mention the social implications of the storyline and its outcome), but most women would look at the small minded people of River City and say that Marian should definitely stay single, avoid getting duped by the faux-instrument salesman, and probably move out of her pathetic little town to a more accepting city. If anything, she's the only intelligent, admirable character in the sad lot, and it's unfortunate that Meredith Wilson chooses for her to look the silliest in the end--falling for the obviously manipulative wiles of the out-of-towner.

But mom makes a good point--maybe Marian does have some unrealistic expectations that she's harboring when it comes to finding a mate. So her situation is not ideal, but some of the blame still falls on her.

A couple of days ago I made a list of all the reasons I would be apprehensive to get into a relationship with someone right now. The list was fairly sized, but completely unsubstantial. A lot of it boils down to fears that "God's best" is somehow stale and rote--that the love I hear about a thousand times over in songs on the radio is ungodly, worldly, wrong. Something I shouldn't want, but something I know that I'm "missing out on" when I choose God.

In his sermon this week, Scott quoted C. S. Lewis:

"Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."

Somewhere in all of this analysis and soul searching, I know that the root of the problem relates back to Lewis's message--In wanting marriage, I am not desiring something greater than God can provide; I just don't realize the gravity of what He would give me if I actually asked for it. This means a few things:

1) I am not too young. No matter what older, single women tell me, I refuse to believe that I am "rushing into things" when I say I want to be married. For me, at 22, I am for all practical purposes ready to be married. I've finished school. My finances are in order. I am seeking Christ and involved in my church. Now, obviously, if God has other life experiences he'd like me (or the man I eventually marry) to go through before marriage works out for me, then that's fine. I'll wait. But I'm tired of being fed the lies that I need to "find myself," "grow up," or "take some time to be selfish." That sort of me-focused mentality is sin. Plain and simple.

That being said,
2) I need to go ahead and ask God for it. Not only does the Lord ask us to present our requests to Him, He also promises that He hears our prayers and will answer them. When praying for something like marriage, that the Bible says is good, I know I can ask boldly because it's a blessing that most people are called to.

Which reminds me,
3) I probably should be well aware of what I'm asking for. Marriage is a big deal, I know. It's more than just having a boy that is bound by law to listen to me complain and rub my feet after a long day at the office (ok, with the kids...whatever...) Marriage is a tool used to refine us. What better way to have our flaws brought to the surface than to share them with someone else in such an intimate way? It can be easy to hide our dark and dirty stuff from friends, even roommates, but in marriage, when you let someone in so deep, they are bound to come up for air with a whole lot of litter. A commitment to love is kind of a big deal.

If you ask me on an off day, I might still say things like, "I don't believe in love." or "The idea of 'the one' is a crock." I might still mean it. Someone asked me the other day if it boiled down to my spurning the idea of commitment. I said, "I don't know" because I wasn't ready to pinpoint the problem on myself--that I'm scared I'll mess it up. Odds are, I will. But I'm tired of hiding behind those excuses. It's starting to change the way I pray about dating. I know that I need to pray that God would keep my heart soft towards marriage, despite the constant barrage of negative messages I receive on a daily basis. I'm asking God to keep me tuned to what He created for me relationally and wise in discerning how to handle myself in different situations with men. But before all that, I have to ask God for the courage to ask Him for these things in the first place, and the courage to let others see me in this "weak" (actually, vulnerable and real) place.

A couple of weeks back, I wrote in my journal,

"On my way to church this morning I thought about...how I don't really believe in the kind of love that I heard all about in the songs last night. I expect for some godly man to one day realize that it is his calling to be married, look around, decide I'm the best option, and pursue me. It won't be romantic. It will be like buying socks. Warm, fuzzy, presentable design. I'm sure I'll be a very functional wife and I'll learn to love...but I won't fall into it. It won't be naturally passionate but something I develop like a dispensable stage character."

Coupled with my recent list of relational fears, my outlook on love seems pretty lame. But despite my emo-tendencies, I keep C. S. Lewis's words as a mantra running through my head: "I am far too easily pleased."

And along with the crisp New England air, a melody floats along beside me...

Lord you have my heart
And I will search for yours.
Let me be to you a sacrifice.

And tonight, I say goodnight on the evening star. To Someone.

Quotable Trifecta!!

Some new articles I found...

Far from being the answer to all your dreams and fantasies, marriage is a crucible for making you more like Christ.

***

Then, regarding "Pulling a Ruth:"

So while it may appear to some from my first articles that I pursued Steve and took the lead in our relationship, the reality is that I was responding to all the strong cues he was giving me. When it came time for my ultimatum ("call this what it is, or no more access to me"), what I was really doing was asking a version of the question that used to be asked by a woman's dad: "What are your intentions for my daughter?"

I was in essence asking him, "What are your intentions for me?"

***

And, a bit of a new take on The Friend Zone:

It has only been in the last few seconds of history that [opposite-sex friendships have] really been much of an issue. Historically, opposite-sex relationships have been reserved for guys and girls intent on marriage, or at the very least some kind of romantic (or sexual) pursuit. I can't think of a single Scriptural example of male-female pals. Male-female relationships in Scripture led to either (positively) marriage or (negatively) extra-marital sex, and of course the occasional battle.

And...

Please don't misunderstand me, emotional friendship is very different than masculine chivalry...Her need for chivalry is something God uses to help her realize her need for a spouse. Your "being there" for her too much might serve to keep her from realizing her need more quickly — kind of a twist on the old saying, "If the milk is free, why buy the cow?" If you're doing for her most everything she needs a spouse for, what incentive are you giving her to pursue a relationship? In other words, by your "being there" so much for her, you might be enabling her lack of interest in a serious relationship.

Home Remedies

My mom sent me an email recently about the AMAZING EFFECTS OF PEROXIDE!!! (It was one of those forwards that reads like an infomercial, incorporating a generous use of caps lock and exclamation points)

Like the dad's Windex obsession in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, the writer claimed that your basic brown bottle of peroxide could be used in a multitude of ways--from healing foot fungus and gangrene, to cleaning your windows, to giving you soft, natural highlights (for this one they suggest a 50-50 water and peroxide mix, spritzed lightly on wet hair for several days, to avoid the over-orangey mistake our mothers made). If you're capable of overlooking the melodramatic personal testimonies, it was actually a worthwhile read.

So being slightly sickly this week, one particular tip came to mind that I figured was worth a try. The email suggested that for any sort of sinus stuff, you should spray peroxide in your nasal passages. It's supposed to bubble up and kill bacteria. Last night I eased into the experimental procedure by incorporating a little cotton swab action--not so bad. But this morning I figured I'd go balls to the walls and bust out my syringe. A careful droplet or two later, and all that my concerned roommate could get out of me through the bathroom door was, "oooaaaaahhhhh....it burrrrnnnnnsssss!!!"

It was the sort of pain where you actually have to yell to get through it. Like childbirth. The nasal equivalent of childbirth.

Turns out the exact admonition was the following (emphasis mine):

"Tilt your head back and spray into nostrils with your 50/50 mixture whenever you have a cold, or plugged sinuses. It will bubble and help to kill the bacteria. Hold for a few minutes then blow your nose into a tissue."

Well it more or less worked anyways. Time for round two...

*takes deep breath* Cue Rocky theme song.

It's Not Just Me...

Everyone seems to be talking about relationships, masculinity, and femininity right now. Ok, granted...it may have to do with the blogs I read, but between Chrissie, The Boundless Webzine, and CBMW, I've gotten quite an earful. Then, I asked around for more--polling some guys at my church in Texas and starting up a conversation with the Mormon guy at my work. I even spent a good hour this morning talking to my roommate's cousin about what things look like up in Minnesota.

Call it Spring Fever...I think we just want to know that we aren't alone in dealing with the issues that inevitably come up when Christians try too hard to be perfect--especially when it comes to dating relationships.

My fear of commitment (yes, I realize this perpetuates the problem) prevents me from claiming this as a series of posts, but I plan to do a little reporting on the things I'm hearing around town.

First, a notable piece from Boundless about Being Proactive:

"For today's women, sometimes being proactive means pulling away from relationships that aren't going anywhere. If the guy you've been hanging out with hasn't "made a move" then it might be necessary to end whatever sort of pseudo relationship you're involved in. The guy is either 1) not interested or 2) too comfortable with the way things are to define things. Either way, you're going nowhere. Although it may be painful and a difficult transition, sometimes the most healthy thing to do is to let it go."

The writer also gives a nice shout-out to communication (who knew that would help us all out?) and encourages men to pull a Nike and "just do it" (ie: ask girls out). There's also a good follow up that reminds us all to chill out when it comes to the expectations.

But when talking about relationships, it seems that very few of us have "chilled out"--there's a lot of pessimism and old scars, compounded by individualistic world-views, that have turned this into a heated and heightened topic of debate. The simple answer, I suppose, is to "Let Go and Let God." ...which I think is one of those creepy Christian mantras that means we should not worry so much about things, focus on God, and remember that He has everything under control.

But, humanly, I still want to know what's up. Hence, I've started "researching" amongst some Christians I know outside of the LA bubble. Due to conflicts of interest, I've avoided breaching the topic with my guy friends at Shoreline (and because I don't want to get cast out, labeled as a freak, etc, etc.) I needed to expand my horizons anyways. Life's been a little stagnant lately and I figured I'd conversationally shake things up. I've been bored.

So I started emailing back and forth with this guy from home (the Texas version). He's admittedly NOT single by choice and one of those gems who still thinks marriage is a good idea. While he had a lot of great things to say about his outlook with women, the one part that particularly stuck out was his response to my questions about The Friend Zone:

"Bottom line the friendship is going to change. The two of you will marry someone in the future. If you marry someone else, your friendship is not going to be the same; if you marry each other, your friendship is really not going to be the same. So the excuse 'I don't want to mess up the friendship' is a load of crap because it will change from the way it was. This argument gets stronger the older you get."

I've discussed these lingering friendships with a few others. Chrissie posed the question, "If He is a Christian and She is a Christian, and He doesn't 'like her, like her' and she 'isn't interested in him in that way' what's the harm in hanging out? Is there actually a danger there? ...Would you want to punch me in the face if I told you that I thought that there was?"

I told her, yes, I would punch her in the face.

What I meant to say was that I'm selfish and if I'm not going to date someone right now, then I want several men in my life to fill that void in various ways...guys I can do things for, guys I can talk to about what's going on in my life, guys I enjoy hanging out with (but of course not guys for the physical stuff--give me a little credit--I'm trying to be a "good Christian girl" here). But then, the moment I start explaining all of this, I can't help but remember how I bashed a couple of my friends recently who said they were single for the same reason that I can't give up my guy friends: selfishness. I just want to focus on me right now.

Again, another hopelessly simple solution: we should just all stop being selfish. It's something we can all strive towards and is a tangible way of being proactive when it comes to preparing ourselves for marriage. That, and the prayer thing, which we so often tack onto the end of our solutions manual, even though we know that it really should be the first and foremost method of response. And, really, if God is as good as I always say He is, then there's no need for me to stress over the specifics.

At the end of it all, I like what Alethea's cousin Jess said to me this morning: "God is God...and Christians are just retarded."

Yikes! And I'm done reading for the evening....

One more article shout out: "Not Your Buddy"

It's like friends with benefits, Christian style. While the writer blames both men and women for the communication problem, she argues that single people are doing a disservice to each other when they engage in emotionally intimate, opposite sex relationships. Of course reading about the potential dangers of having guy friends makes me question every friendship I have or have ever had. What can I say? I'm a girl. I tend to over-analyze.

For my sanity's sake, I'm going to stop thinking about it and go to bed. But first, a few convicting quotables (emphasis mine):

"Women...need to assume less. A woman should not assume that a guy friend she's spending time with is: a) just too shy to make a move; b) thinking she's the woman of his dreams but the timing isn't right; c) in denial of God's will that they be together.

"We get it. A woman loves to read into a guy's every action. That's her relational crime. But the guy does her a disservice by allowing her to be his "buddy girl" — a female friend who provides the relational benefits without the commitment...

"Single men and women are failing each other. Uncommitted intimate friendships may satiate immediate needs, but they lead to frustration and heartache. Not to mention, for singles ready for marriage, these "friendships" waste time and energy...

"Ecclesiastes croons, "There is a time for love." If, as a woman, you are indulging in an intimate friendship with a man who is not pursuing you, you are accepting a cheap imitation of love. And by spending all your time with a guy who will never put a ring on your finger, you may miss a potential suitor.

"If, as a man, you are spending large quantities of time with a woman, you may want to consider if perhaps the relationship is deserving of an upgrade to an intentional relationship that explores the possibility of matrimony. If not, do your sister the courtesy of making your stance clear, freeing her to be pursued by another man. "Above all, if you find yourself in an intimate friendship with someone of the opposite sex, ask the Lord for wisdom and discernment."

Almost as snarky and fabulous as the book my friend recently lent me: How to Ruin Your Dating Life by Matthew Paul Turner and Kerri Pomarolli. Definitely will incite a chuckle or two from anyone who has been around the Christian dating scene long enough to hear things like "When you're quiet, I can hear God." Or, "I think I just need to date Jesus for a while."

We are a creepy, weird bunch.

Wisdom, please?

Trippy...

I really like it when I read or hear something from a mature, godly, and well-respected man, encouraging other men to be men. It's good for three reasons:

1) I have no clue how to encourage men, and even if I had some good things to say--why would they listen to me? I'm a woman..

2) I'm too busy trying to figure out what it means to be a godly woman (and actually put that into practice) to fret over what, Biblically, makes a man a man.

3) It gives a nice overview/summary of what kinds of things I should actually be looking for.

When life gets busy and the world's influence starts blurring my vision, it's nice to be set straight once again. I remember hearing this stuff in Jr. High, but it's good to bring it back up so I can sort through what I still believe to be Biblical. Maybe this warrants an example: I used to think that it was best to avoid holding hands for at least a month or so into a relationship because it would lead me down a spiraling, evil path to !!SEX!! *cue demonic underscoring sound effect* Clearly, I should delay physical contact as long as humanly possible. Now, as an adult, I figure those kinds of rules are a little extreme--though perhaps they were a good idea when I was dealing with hormonal 13 year old boys (glad those days are through). Unfortunately, sometimes I lump together everything that I learned about dating in Jr. High as outdated. Still, when I think back to all those things we talked about when I signed my "True Love Waits" pledge, I remember how carefully they tried to make sure we understood that these ideas came not from arbitrary life experiences or personal advice, but hard and fast Scriptural truth. And when I pull out my "official" list of Standards, they weren't actually half bad--albeit, a little lofty for a pre-teen--but I was right to want someone who pursued godliness, who liked kids and would be a good father, who had goals and aspirations and would be a good provider for me and our family. It can be easy to ashamedly groan over the over-Christianized, Bible belt stereotype that I was at that age. But I certainly hope my embarrassment doesn't cause me to throw out the baby with the bathwater. Mostly, it just means I end up having to "re-learn" all sorts of spiritual truths that were plain as punch to my southern self at 14. Eh, I guess I'm coming along. It's all a part of the process...when it Rome, you know? Life's a journey and there's no I in team...

Anyways, all this to say--I ran into an article that lays out 13 "Marks of Manhood" (don't let the big number scare you; it's worth the read). Given my recent fascination for creating a cost-benefit analysis of marriage, here's just one tidbit that stood out to me:

"True masculinity is not a matter of exhibiting supposedly masculine characteristics devoid of the context of responsibility. In the Bible, a man is called to fulfill his role as husband and father. Unless granted the gift of celibacy for gospel service, the Christian boy is to aim for marriage and fatherhood. This is assuredly a counter-cultural assertion, but the role of husband and father is central to manhood. Marriage is unparalleled in its effect on men, as it channels their energies and directs their responsibilities to the devoted covenant of marriage and the grace-filled civilization of the family. They must aspire to be the kind of man a Christian woman would gladly marry and children will trust, respect, and obey."

Oh and this one too...

"In these days, biblical manhood requires great courage. The prevailing ideologies and worldviews of this age are inherently hostile to Christian truth and are corrosive to Christian faithfulness. It takes great courage for a boy to commit himself to sexual purity and for a man to devote himself unreservedly to his wife. It takes great courage to say no to what this culture insists are the rightful pleasures and delights of the flesh. It takes courage to serve as a godly husband and father, to raise children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. It takes courage to maintain personal integrity in a world that devalues the truth, disparages God's word, and promises self-fulfillment and happiness only through the assertion of undiluted personal autonomy. A man's true confidence is rooted in the wells of courage, and courage is evidence of character."

Hmm...must continue my research...

Controversial Statement of the Day

"Those men who are interested in today's extremist, independent woman (read: buys her own flat screen and diamonds, career-focused type) may be secretly hoping to opt out of their role as provider by finding someone that can bring home the bacon on their behalf, or at the very least, will go half-sies. Ironically enough, most still hope and expect that the woman will care for the household needs as well as provide for them physically and emotionally, as a 'traditional' housewife might."

Discuss.

No matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep on believing...

Last night I dreamed I was back home visiting all of my old friends. Everyone was the same except each one was the other-half of a significant. They asked me about my life and smiled politely.

Then I was back in the old gym where we used to meet on Wednesday nights for Youth Group. Two of my friends from here, Brian and Jonathan, made cameo appearances as youth leaders, in charge of speaking and running the games, respectively.

Amid the uproar, someone handed me a baby. Then another got up to speak about missions. My heart ached. I couldn't remember a word of my German, which didn't matter anyways. I wouldn't be able to go. I already set the course for my life. I was committed elsewhere. End of story.

The baby cried. He needed changing. He wasn't wearing a diaper.

Softly, the alarm. Time to hit the gym. Interviewing a potential teacher this morning. AP Review classes to plan. A birthday gift from my sister finally arrives: a princess calendar. I think maybe I'll frame some of the pictures. Perhaps one of Cinderella. She's stuck in my head.

Cheese

I once went on a cheese hiatus.

It was a ploy to cut calories--if I just stop putting cheese on all those things that I thought needed it, the number of calories that I could cut would be immeasurable (especially since I was then eating about a cow's worth of the stuff). I taught myself to season and prepare meals in different, just as tasty, ways. Rather than smother broccoli in Velveeta, I'd cook it in balsamic vinegar. And I revamped my spaghetti sauce to include lots of vegetables instead of relying on grated Parmesan for that extra kick. I invented an aversion to cheese--if I could convince myself that I don't like it, then I wouldn't crave it and would not, therefore, eat it so often.

Somewhere along the way, I created an aversion to cheesy behavior as well. Amid Princess fantasies and homemaker hopes, I decided to wise up, take a deep breath of this fresh LA air, and denounce all things romantic, cute, charming, comforting, suave, sensitive, etc. On any given, generic day, anything "awww"-worthy makes me want to yak. I don't like animals or super-sappy songs. I haven't touched my go-to romantic comedies in ages. I deal with relational mushiness in much the same way as I deal with the edible variety--obliterate it in the garbage disposal and wash it down the sink. A self-imposed aversion therapy of sorts.

But, like Justine always says, "everything in moderation"--be it diets, relationship doctrine, life choices, or whatever. And every now and then, a little cheese is nice.

From a long-ago love: "And what's the temperature in Cali right now? That's the only way to know how comfortable you are...."

Or on those classy, kind of expensive but worth the splurge crackers, accompanied by a glass of nostalgically German wine.