The One with the Blond Girl

Carlos is my boss's catch-all guy. He runs errands all over town and steals drinks from our fridge every now and again. Last week I got in trouble for building a bookshelf (I hate IKEA) that Carlos was supposed to build for me. He didn't come, so I took matters into my own hands. Wearing heels. And let me just say, I am pretty legit with a hammer. AND, I built the bookcase in half the time it took Carlos and his lackey to put the doors on it...which are slightly crooked. Still.

Today, after getting reamed in an "emergency" staff meeting (meaning, they called it last minute to tell me how much I suck), I learned that Carlos, among his other skills, cannot tell the difference between the tutoring centers that Keith owns.

Prep One, the elementary center, is "The one with Lisa Teacher."

Prep Two, middle school, is "The one with Ashanti."

Prep Center, the high school center where I'm the director... "The one with the blond girl."

Today, I don't even have a name.

What hurts the most is being so close, and having so much to say, but watching you walk away...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

One of my roommates left me today, so yesterday, in an effort to feel involved in her life for perhaps the last tangible time, I caught up on her blog, which is where I found this ^ quoted. That, coupled with recent events in my own life, has got me thinking about risk and adventure...

When it comes to committing to things, I think what freaks me out the most is that it will feel like I'm stuck in a rut. This is the root of my anxiety at work. On a bad day, I can't help but think, "Geez...I promised to stay for 2 WHOLE YEARS...?!" I start to wonder if the rest of my life will be waking up to the same old routine, one crappy day after another. And all I'll have to come home to is a slew of cats who, when I fall down the stairs one day, will eat my dead body like in that episode of CSI...

My mind spirals downward quite dramatically.

Neuroses aside, I believe it's this mentality that drives our gun-shy generation. It's hard to think of committing to a job or a man or whatever...because, besides always wondering what else could have come along, you never know if, once you sign up for said commitment, it will take an unexpected turn to Dullsville...or worse. What if those co-workers you enjoy so much end up transferred elsewhere? What if half-way through your contract, you have to take on a tough client that makes your life a living hell? What if after "I do" comes "I don't know how to manage money"? What if the sex is bad...?

Stagnant, we question away a lot of great opportunities.

My dad likes to remind me that there is an innate goodness to intimacy. That when you commit to a spouse, you are able to experience a deeper connection, a more epic kind of love, than you would get with a surface relationship. In the security of a marriage (done the way it's intended), spouses feel more freedom to be intimate on all levels because they know that the other person won't unexpectedly leave them one day. You can trust that person with your secrets, your fears, your dreams. Simply put, the benefits rock.

In a similar way, many employers offer benefits to a person who they feel like will be loyal to the company, stuff like bonuses, pay raises, dental/health insurance, and so forth. They appreciate knowing you will stick around, and they do what they can to make it worth your while.

Unfortunately, I don't think we really have a clear picture of what these benefits actually entail. My own (ethereal) ideas of intimacy in marriage are based purely on hearsay. When I think of love, like Lewis mentions, I think of vulnerability, emotional instability...a potential for hurt, disappointment, and a slew of other negatively connoted vocabulary. But if the mantra is true, "It's better to have loved and lost..." then it might also be said, it's better to commit through the valleys, than to never experience the mountain's height.

When you sign up for something long term, you are assured a similar burn to that which comes from loving--it will not be a smooth ride. But at least it will be a ride. And that certainly beats the hellish doldrums of paralyzed inaction.

Standing in this hue, commitment entails an innate adventurousness.

Why I Read

At the risk of being called jaded...

Pursue Her

I love when I stumble across something that not only speaks to my heart, but does so in a way that reflects back to scripture and no-nonsense wisdom and advice.

Try this as an ice breaker..

One of my kids asked me a very important question today that I will pose to all my readers:

"You have a monkey, a snake, and a bird. How do you carry them?"

Let me know what you would answer and I'll tell you what it means about your personality. (And I'll tell you my answers...it's a trip...)

Feels Like Home

Country music, for me, is nostalgia.

That means when I cite artists or lyrics on my blog, they're rarely country. Nashville isn't really known for the deep and meaningful (no offense to Tim and Faith), although I will say there are several artists that have impressed me over the years. And I keep listening because the songs are lively, they connect me to my roots.

This morning in the car, I was particularly struck by this Kenny Chesney song. With each new verse, he uses some of the most interesting, poignant comparisons. Granted, the song's pretty depressing, but with a voice like Kenny's, it makes you melt anyways...

Better as a Memory

I move on like a sinners prayer
and letting go like a levee breaks
Walk away as if I don't care
Learn to shoulder my mistakes
Or built to fade like your favorite song
Get reckless when there's no need
Laugh as your stories ramble on
Break my heart, but it won't bleed
My only friends are pirates
That's just who I am
But I'm better as a memory than as your man

Never sure when the truth won't do
I'm pretty good on a lonely night
Or move on the way a storm blows through
And never stay, but then again, I might.
I struggle sometimes to find the words
Always sure until I doubt
Walk a line until it blurs
Build walls too high to climb out
But I'm honest to a fault
That's just who I am
I'm better as a memory than as your man

I see you leaning, you're bound to fall
I don't want to be that mistake
I'm just a dreamer and nothing more
You should know it before it gets too late

Cause goodbyes are like a roulette wheel
You never know where they're gonna land
First you're spinning, then you're standing still
Left holding a losing hand
But one day you're gonna find someone
And right away you'll know it's true
That all of your sinking's done
It was just a part of the passing through
Right there in that moment you'll finally understand
That I was better as a memory than as your man
Better as a memory than as your man

Congratulations! Your answers show that you are most like the Princess...

Megara!!

With the beauty (and fickle, fiery nature) of a goddess, you have the ability to turns the heads of both man and titan, which can cause quite the stir all throughout the polis. "Street-wise" epitomizes your knack for manipulating any situation in your favor, though you are loyal to a fault and tend to finagle your way into overly-binding contracts. Still, your feminine wiles are useful for many an ill-gotten-gain, and can often function as a preemptive strive against anyone who might be out to hurt you. But don't be fooled, your saucy sarcasm and quick wit will only go so far to mask all that baggage in your past. Deep down you're as jaded as Mount Olympus is high and tend to keep men at a comfortable urn's length. However, when you do find a Wonder-boy willing to put forth the Herculean effort it is to love you despite all your flaws, hang on to him. He's one of a kind!

Tale as Old as Time

Anytime I talk about my side job as a princess for ThePrincessParty.com, everyone always has a guess as to which princess I play. "I bet you're Cinderella," they usually surmise. "You look like a Cinderella." Sometimes they guess others. It turns into a discussion of wigs and costumes, my skill as a balloon artist, and how, though I can play any of the white princesses, yes, I most often play Cinderella. I don't know why people always guess her. Is it just particularly easy to picture me with a broom in my hand waiting on my step-family?

I took one of those quizzes once: Which Disney Princess are You? I can't remember which one they said I was, mostly because when you take one of those online quizzes, it's easy to forge the answer you want. What is my favorite pastime? Reading in my own private library? Swimming with my sea friends? It doesn't take a genius to rig it to give you the princess you want. So whoever I particularly wanted at the time, I'm sure that's the princess I got to be.

But sometimes I do honestly wonder which princess I am most like. Actually, the thought came to me in a weird way the other day. See, last year in my feminism class, we talked all about how princesses are dangerous for young girls because they put all sorts of bad ideas in our heads. Besides glorifying wealth and society, the girls are horribly skinny ("no room for a womb") and promote unrealistic expectations about being swept off our feet, etc, etc.

One story that is particularly psychologically damaging is Beauty and the Beast. It uses the same rationale that keeps women in abusive relationships: it's ok if he's unrefined and has an anger management problem, he needs you and your love will transform him. It's also a classic example of Stockholm Syndrome, a phenomenon where victims of abduction gain a sense of loyalty (or fall in love with) their abductor. So, let's endorse those themes and instill in our young girls the desire to be captured by a monster...because in the end, if you're nice to him, he'll turn into Fabio.

How romantic.

Of course the movie does have it's merits. I mean, after all, how rad is it when the Beast wrecks all those wolves to save Belle or owns Gaston in the end? And if some guy gave me an epic library that housed every book ever printed...well, that's pretty swoon-worthy. The scenery is fantastic, pan shots of the ballroom as the couple dances under the stars, cut to the French countryside at sunset. My heart skips a beat when Belle sings,

I want adventure in the great wide somewhere.
I want it more than I can stand.
And for once I would be grand, to have someone understand.
I want so much more than they've got planned.

Damaging or no, I watched the movie twice today, cried at the end, and thought about maybe dying my hair back to brown. I love fairy tales.

"Are they going to live happily ever after, Mama?"

"Of course, my dear, of course."

Dangerously Friends

I'm in need of a lot of wisdom.

So lately, when I turn to the Good Book, I find my way to Proverbs. This morning (amidst pondering all the stuff I wrote about in the previous post), I came across this one:

Proverbs 22:24-25--

"Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man,
lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare."

It's the same rationale behind, "you are who you hang out with." If you surround yourself with gossips, you are likely to be given to gossip. If your friends smoke weed every weekend, you will probably end up high along with them--whether by peer pressure, boredom, or second hand smoke. At best, everyone else will assume you did anyway. Guilty by association.

Far be it for me to sound like I'm contradicting something in the Bible (and someone please call me out if this logic is out of line), but I don't think this proverb means to avoid sinners altogether. After all, Jesus hung out with some of the dregs of society--probably plenty of wrathful men, given to anger. Yet He did not sin.

Friends are really important. The close circle surrounding a person holds great sway over her state of being. And, certainly, I hope my most intimate friends are the types of people who will encourage and edify me. It seems logical, then, that I should avoid friendships with people that might "drag me down."

Still, in light of my desire to trust God rather than societal rules, I've started to wonder if maybe it is better for me to remain friends with some of the more dangerous people in my life. Whether those people are able to "give" me anything in return, I know they need to be loved, purely, sacrificially...as I know Christ has loved me. This means more than speaking to them occasionally or giving a friendly smile and wave as I walk down the street. It means I need to get involved in their lives, get right down into the grit with them and be willing to share my own weaknesses, trials, and victories as well. Whether the relationships are "safe" or "healthy" perhaps I should stop worrying about how they will affect me and trust God to take care of my heart instead of trying to do it myself (because let's be honest, He'll do a better job anyways).

There's probably a question of balance in this as well, but I can trust God to help me figure that out too. He is so rad.

Benchpress This

In a roundabout way (the way things usually go when I start reading internet articles), I found myself at this site:

A Nation of Wimps

The premise of the blog and the book it's promoting is that parents nowadays are going to such great lengths to childproof life--hoping to save their offspring from any semblance of pain or heartache--that what actually happens is the generation they raise is in fact weaker because they don't know how to deal with failure. They suggest that being tethered to our parents via cell phones may be a large factor in the rise of adultescence (a term my dictionary doesn't recognize yet, but one that has gained popularity as a way to describe how 20-somethings nowadays still behave like teenagers). Since our parents do everything for us from filling out our college applications to coaching us through our job interviews and following up to negotiate salary on our behalf (yeah, apparently this happens quite often), we no longer have to be adults ourselves. To be sure, they probably do all of this out of love, but what they don't realize is that it's facilitating our neurosis. When we ship out for college, sans parentals, we no longer have someone glazing over the rough patches. A bad night of partying or a C on a term paper and we go spiraling into depression, anxiety, and panic disorders. We just can't deal.

I'll be the first to admit that when I am unsure about making a certain move at work or when I'm facing some boy-conundrum, I hit up my speed-dial: Mom and Dad. My parents are two of the wisest people I know. I respect their opinions greatly and quite often consult them when it comes to major decisions. Most assuredly, they've let me feel my share of hard knocks, whether on purpose or because they couldn't actually feasibly help me out, and I'm thankful for it. So despite the fact that I have dealt with my share of anxiety and such, I'm not ready to blame the parents. Actually, my brain went somewhere else--the church.

Yesterday I got into a conversation with a friend of mine who was sharing his frustration with church systems--bi-laws that we use to safeguard ourselves against sin. Although I'm not sure I understood his argument completely, we hit on a specific example of how this manifests: why, he posed, do we need two people to count the money from the offering? The rule is born out of a need for accountability--to be sure that no one is stealing--but he argued that it actually undermines our trust in God. Why, as a church, do we feel the need to set up elaborate rules, checks and balances, that will keep us from sinning? Why not just trust (and pray) that God will transform our hearts, instilling within us the desire to not steal, etc?

Like communism, I like the idea. I don't think the response to it should be to recklessly throw out all church rules as a means of testing our faith (like the demons tempting Jesus to jump off a building and let the angels catch him, just to show that He could), but I have started to wonder whether, in different areas of my life, I am relying on God or a system to keep myself out of trouble.

Is it possible that we are childproofing God in a way that makes our relationship with Him "safe" but lame and boring? Our interaction with God was never meant to be about rules but a relationship, yet we insist on creating "3(78) Easy Steps" to living the Christian life. In dating relationships, we create a list of rules for purity (no kissing until we're engaged) to make sure we don't struggle with lust. We throw out any music or movies that might put violent ideas in our heads or curse words in our mouths in hopes that if we block out any worldly influence, we will have no choice but to meditate on God all day.

Meanwhile, we are a generation of Christians who have died inside. We have become so preoccupied with trying not to sin, that we've forgotten the whole point: to know God and enjoy Him. Holiness should be a result of loving God so much that we want to do anything and everything to make Him happy. Instead, we focus on trying to make ourselves good--imposing a grand scheme of regulations so that we can foolproof life. All the while, if we had even the slightest glimpse of who God really is (if we knew Him), we would naturally want to do what pleases Him. It would be our joy.

With our children, letting them touch a hot stove, eat poisonous plants, or run into a busy street without looking both ways may not be the wisest parenting--but there are other ways that we can let them learn from their mistakes and deal with failure. In the same way, as Christians, we should search our hearts for ways that we could drop the rules a little and trust God a little more. When we become so paralyzed by the thought of doing something wrong that we stay stagnant, who has won? If we don't sin merely because we don't do anything, this isn't life.

Several weeks ago I wrote about a "borderline deranged decision" I made--I went out on a limb on something that I wasn't sure was really a "godly" thing to do. I prayed that no matter what, God would be glorified--whether the situation turned out like I hoped or not--and I trusted that even if I fell flat on my face, God would work through the circumstances to teach and grow me. And, turns out, I did fall flat on my face. And God did begin a growing process in me that though I'm still in the middle of, I can see clearly. It was a bump in the road I really didn't want, a "life lesson" that I could have safely avoided, but in doing so, I would have also missed the excitement of really trusting that God would work in my best interest. I would have missed out on the way I saw the body of Christ minister to me like a real family. I would have missed wisdom and growth and a hundred other things.

If living safely means I won't get to really experience God, then that, that is a waste of my time.

We are a nation, a church, of wimps, coddled to death, who follow ten thousand rules but know nothing of the God we claim to serve.