What hurts the most is being so close, and having so much to say, but watching you walk away...

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

- C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

One of my roommates left me today, so yesterday, in an effort to feel involved in her life for perhaps the last tangible time, I caught up on her blog, which is where I found this ^ quoted. That, coupled with recent events in my own life, has got me thinking about risk and adventure...

When it comes to committing to things, I think what freaks me out the most is that it will feel like I'm stuck in a rut. This is the root of my anxiety at work. On a bad day, I can't help but think, "Geez...I promised to stay for 2 WHOLE YEARS...?!" I start to wonder if the rest of my life will be waking up to the same old routine, one crappy day after another. And all I'll have to come home to is a slew of cats who, when I fall down the stairs one day, will eat my dead body like in that episode of CSI...

My mind spirals downward quite dramatically.

Neuroses aside, I believe it's this mentality that drives our gun-shy generation. It's hard to think of committing to a job or a man or whatever...because, besides always wondering what else could have come along, you never know if, once you sign up for said commitment, it will take an unexpected turn to Dullsville...or worse. What if those co-workers you enjoy so much end up transferred elsewhere? What if half-way through your contract, you have to take on a tough client that makes your life a living hell? What if after "I do" comes "I don't know how to manage money"? What if the sex is bad...?

Stagnant, we question away a lot of great opportunities.

My dad likes to remind me that there is an innate goodness to intimacy. That when you commit to a spouse, you are able to experience a deeper connection, a more epic kind of love, than you would get with a surface relationship. In the security of a marriage (done the way it's intended), spouses feel more freedom to be intimate on all levels because they know that the other person won't unexpectedly leave them one day. You can trust that person with your secrets, your fears, your dreams. Simply put, the benefits rock.

In a similar way, many employers offer benefits to a person who they feel like will be loyal to the company, stuff like bonuses, pay raises, dental/health insurance, and so forth. They appreciate knowing you will stick around, and they do what they can to make it worth your while.

Unfortunately, I don't think we really have a clear picture of what these benefits actually entail. My own (ethereal) ideas of intimacy in marriage are based purely on hearsay. When I think of love, like Lewis mentions, I think of vulnerability, emotional instability...a potential for hurt, disappointment, and a slew of other negatively connoted vocabulary. But if the mantra is true, "It's better to have loved and lost..." then it might also be said, it's better to commit through the valleys, than to never experience the mountain's height.

When you sign up for something long term, you are assured a similar burn to that which comes from loving--it will not be a smooth ride. But at least it will be a ride. And that certainly beats the hellish doldrums of paralyzed inaction.

Standing in this hue, commitment entails an innate adventurousness.