I think, how beautiful it will be to submit to someone who desires my good, a man who has committed to me, and I to him...someone God designed to uniquely balance and sanctify me. While I know on a cognitive level that it will be very hard in a lot of ways, I long to experience the joys and blessings that God promises in marriage. My heart dismisses the difficulty because I know, or at least I think I do, that the highs will outweigh the lows in a wonderful way.
The workplace, on the other hand, is not designed for my welfare but instead exists as an institution meant to use me for what I'm worth and compensate accordingly. It's like prostitution.
I have to get up this morning so the plumber can fix a few things in my new place. I read some old journal entries--things I wrote but was afraid to share last month, things I feel strong enough to read again. I read God's word:
"Servants, be subject to your masters will all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly."
-I Peter 2:18-19
I wanted to read about women, relationships, submission. I forgot that this part came first, but God knew and, after last night, I think he also knew I needed to read those words this morning.
When work gets hard, I am often tempted to resent my job--thinking of how I wanted a marriage and a family and instead was cursed by a career. I'm embarrassed by the thoughts that seep in at any opportune moment, causing me to stumble, to doubt. It's easy to forget that God has also destined this stage in my life as preparation for the things to come--be it marriage and family or some other adventure. But this morning He lets me see that I'm learning submission in another context.
Last night, in the dark of my new apartment, I fumbled for a piece of paper on which to write the electrician's phone number. She spoke too fast on my voice mail. I need to buy a lamp. In the back of my Bible, I found a note card from the first week of our summer Bible Study. On it we were asked to write something--I can't remember the charge--but whatever the question, my answer was two bullet points: "humility" and "staying soft." I think I prayed for those things this last June.
This morning, a few journal entries, two of which are previously posted, reminded me that God was actually working in my heart on these issues. They may be the biggest two that I have to battle for the next few years. Or this may be the calm before the real storm. Regardless, I see answered prayers.
These last days have been full of introspection. Without internet (this I write at Dolores Restaurant down the street), I have less to distract me. Between listening to Cornerstone's relationship series and a couple of late night talks with good friends, I'm mulling through the desires of my heart and over analyzing, or perhaps analyzing over again, what it means to be a woman.
As a pre-teen, I remember sitting on my bed with my little sister, trying to teach her the point of I Peter 3:3-4, an idea that mom reinforced with her old-school mantras: "Pretty is as pretty does."
I spoke to my sister boldly, "'Do not let your adornment be merely outward: arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel. But rather, let it be the inner person of the heart, with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.' See, Christina--it's in the Bible, just like mom says: Pretty is on the inside."
Even if I barely understood what it was, I knew I wanted a gentle and quiet spirit. I was a loud kid. I'm a loud adult. But I hope that God continues to develop a gentleness in me that beautifully displays His glory as our Comforter, Healer, and Helper.
A couple of nights ago, as often happens with a particular friend of mine, goodbye turned into a marathon conversation. We talked of the church, failures in community, society, work, and the weaknesses of how men and women deal with pent up frustration. Ideas well worth another post, what I walked away with, overall, was a grand sense of appreciation for how he looks at the world differently than I do. Women certainly have a tendency towards gossip--a harmful dumping of emotions that is quite unfortunately, socially acceptable in America today. So when we get caught in the middle of it, we don't call ourselves out quickly enough. Men, or at least some of them, will notice it faster. Godly men, will call you on it.
In the same way, women retain a certain perceptiveness, care, and understanding that allows us to minister to others in ways that men are not as effective. It's the same balance that makes submission work--godly love and leadership in a man encourages his wife's humble submission just as a woman's gentleness and care builds up her husband toward Christ's likeness. Humility. Staying soft. Iron sharpens iron.
When work gets hard, I am often tempted to resent my job--thinking of how I wanted a marriage and a family and instead was cursed by a career. I'm embarrassed by the thoughts that seep in at any opportune moment, causing me to stumble, to doubt. It's easy to forget that God has also destined this stage in my life as preparation for the things to come--be it marriage and family or some other adventure. But this morning He lets me see that I'm learning submission in another context.
Last night, in the dark of my new apartment, I fumbled for a piece of paper on which to write the electrician's phone number. She spoke too fast on my voice mail. I need to buy a lamp. In the back of my Bible, I found a note card from the first week of our summer Bible Study. On it we were asked to write something--I can't remember the charge--but whatever the question, my answer was two bullet points: "humility" and "staying soft." I think I prayed for those things this last June.
This morning, a few journal entries, two of which are previously posted, reminded me that God was actually working in my heart on these issues. They may be the biggest two that I have to battle for the next few years. Or this may be the calm before the real storm. Regardless, I see answered prayers.
These last days have been full of introspection. Without internet (this I write at Dolores Restaurant down the street), I have less to distract me. Between listening to Cornerstone's relationship series and a couple of late night talks with good friends, I'm mulling through the desires of my heart and over analyzing, or perhaps analyzing over again, what it means to be a woman.
As a pre-teen, I remember sitting on my bed with my little sister, trying to teach her the point of I Peter 3:3-4, an idea that mom reinforced with her old-school mantras: "Pretty is as pretty does."
I spoke to my sister boldly, "'Do not let your adornment be merely outward: arranging the hair, wearing gold, or putting on fine apparel. But rather, let it be the inner person of the heart, with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is very precious in the sight of God.' See, Christina--it's in the Bible, just like mom says: Pretty is on the inside."
Even if I barely understood what it was, I knew I wanted a gentle and quiet spirit. I was a loud kid. I'm a loud adult. But I hope that God continues to develop a gentleness in me that beautifully displays His glory as our Comforter, Healer, and Helper.
A couple of nights ago, as often happens with a particular friend of mine, goodbye turned into a marathon conversation. We talked of the church, failures in community, society, work, and the weaknesses of how men and women deal with pent up frustration. Ideas well worth another post, what I walked away with, overall, was a grand sense of appreciation for how he looks at the world differently than I do. Women certainly have a tendency towards gossip--a harmful dumping of emotions that is quite unfortunately, socially acceptable in America today. So when we get caught in the middle of it, we don't call ourselves out quickly enough. Men, or at least some of them, will notice it faster. Godly men, will call you on it.
In the same way, women retain a certain perceptiveness, care, and understanding that allows us to minister to others in ways that men are not as effective. It's the same balance that makes submission work--godly love and leadership in a man encourages his wife's humble submission just as a woman's gentleness and care builds up her husband toward Christ's likeness. Humility. Staying soft. Iron sharpens iron.
