G-Chat Status: Meredith Cooper
is over the corporate ladder.
TO: Roz, Regional Manager, Owner of my employed soul.
FROM: Meredith, Director
SUBJECT: Performance Review
BODY:
Tonight Shelly and I stayed at Prep until 11:45 working on her college essays. Finally home, I'm coming down off the adrenaline rush that kept me patiently editing, musing, discussing--a smile or joke to boost morale--and finally we close the day. This is a bearable exhaustion: to accomplish a task that means her world.
I don't intend to make a habit of staying late, knowing full well that better planning would have prevented my over-extension, but tonight, it was my joy. I signed on with Prep for nights like these. I'm tired, but it's the good kind of tired. The drive home was different than it has been for the last weeks, months even. Today mattered.
I must confess, my heart has never been in the numbers. When Keith, yourself, and I have time to sit and discuss my performance, I plan to leave salary by the wayside. Nights like these give more purpose to my position than any billing report ever could. They remind me that I never intended to climb any corporate ladder in the first place. In the last few months, I believe I've mistaken what I could do with what I should do and got caught up in the anxiety of selling programs, a yes-man looking toward the financial pay-off that I assumed would make it all worthwhile. I abandoned myself in the process.
By all means, I will continue to do what needs to be done at Prep Center. I have every intention of honoring my commitment to stay for at least two more years, and I will continue to strive toward excellence in my work because I feel that my performance here is a direct reflection of who I am and what I believe. If there is a review to be had, perhaps these are the things to discuss.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
Over
It's late.
I'm at that delicate balance between wired and crashing, where I know that all sleep requires is horizontal stillness...perhaps merely laying my head down here on the dining table, where instead I feverishly peck at my keyboard.
Read college essays, give feedback--round two, three, four. An excel sheet sums up the future for thirteen high school seniors. I double check the bills and initial each one. M. Y. C. The letters blend together. A symbol meaning I'm here. Duty done. Unexpected expectations, fulfilled.
With the exception of the concerned parent in Korea I just emailed, the rest of my world sleeps. On nights like tonight, I remember the silent strength I learned in high school--that second wind I discovered on late nights spent finishing a book for AP English or another costume for the stage production I designed. A perseverance beyond the norm--my daddy's "do what you have to" attitude, applied and mastered. Somehow, busyness was happier then.
Last week, my pastor and his wife were gracious enough to invite me over after work (despite my late night schedule) to process through some of my current frustrations with life. The conversation quickly turned into a discussion of God's sovereignty. What if--I posed my greatest fear--I did something to step out of the will of God?
Nearly a week later, Scott's reply rings clearly: you have to remember that you are exactly where God wants you--that there's nothing you did, or could have done, to step outside of that. This may not be where He wants you a year from now or even in just a few months, but if you really believe that what Scripture says is true--then you must also believe that you didn't make a mistake somewhere along the line that surprised God, nor does He have you in some holiness holding pen, waiting for you to figure a few things out before He gives you what you "really want." Here and now are in God's will. To think you can screw that up is to shrink God.
It's a lot of Christianese that I should probably clarify, although the creeping hours of night discourage me from it--his point was simply, trust in God.
At Shoreline, part of our mission statement is that we want to present everyone in West LA with "full and accurate picture of God." I enjoy striving toward that--seeing practically in my life where my weak faith directly correlates to a limited understanding of God's greatness. Bible verses, conditioned into memory like a secular mantra parade, can only have a lasting effect if I trust that the God who inspired them is really Who He says He is: perfectly loving, perfectly just, perfectly gracious, perfectly pure, perfectly holy, righteous, omniscient, omnipotent, and so on.
Then to know that this God--so big, so beyond my comprehension--also knows and cares for the intimate desires of my heart...it blows my mind.
In the middle of the night, when restlessness finally gives in to peace, I know it's a gift of God. Lately, I'm not particularly happy with my circumstances. I tend to feel anxious and overwhelmed, overworked, ineffective. Then, arching over it all, a gentle reminder that God is bigger. A children's song. A simple truth. Words from a good friend. Joy.
On my table, in a vase, two lilies open wide and full, a fragrance of life. A screwdriver still feels fixing my doornob. A wine class, emptied.
I close my day.
I'm at that delicate balance between wired and crashing, where I know that all sleep requires is horizontal stillness...perhaps merely laying my head down here on the dining table, where instead I feverishly peck at my keyboard.
Read college essays, give feedback--round two, three, four. An excel sheet sums up the future for thirteen high school seniors. I double check the bills and initial each one. M. Y. C. The letters blend together. A symbol meaning I'm here. Duty done. Unexpected expectations, fulfilled.
With the exception of the concerned parent in Korea I just emailed, the rest of my world sleeps. On nights like tonight, I remember the silent strength I learned in high school--that second wind I discovered on late nights spent finishing a book for AP English or another costume for the stage production I designed. A perseverance beyond the norm--my daddy's "do what you have to" attitude, applied and mastered. Somehow, busyness was happier then.
Last week, my pastor and his wife were gracious enough to invite me over after work (despite my late night schedule) to process through some of my current frustrations with life. The conversation quickly turned into a discussion of God's sovereignty. What if--I posed my greatest fear--I did something to step out of the will of God?
Nearly a week later, Scott's reply rings clearly: you have to remember that you are exactly where God wants you--that there's nothing you did, or could have done, to step outside of that. This may not be where He wants you a year from now or even in just a few months, but if you really believe that what Scripture says is true--then you must also believe that you didn't make a mistake somewhere along the line that surprised God, nor does He have you in some holiness holding pen, waiting for you to figure a few things out before He gives you what you "really want." Here and now are in God's will. To think you can screw that up is to shrink God.
It's a lot of Christianese that I should probably clarify, although the creeping hours of night discourage me from it--his point was simply, trust in God.
At Shoreline, part of our mission statement is that we want to present everyone in West LA with "full and accurate picture of God." I enjoy striving toward that--seeing practically in my life where my weak faith directly correlates to a limited understanding of God's greatness. Bible verses, conditioned into memory like a secular mantra parade, can only have a lasting effect if I trust that the God who inspired them is really Who He says He is: perfectly loving, perfectly just, perfectly gracious, perfectly pure, perfectly holy, righteous, omniscient, omnipotent, and so on.
Then to know that this God--so big, so beyond my comprehension--also knows and cares for the intimate desires of my heart...it blows my mind.
In the middle of the night, when restlessness finally gives in to peace, I know it's a gift of God. Lately, I'm not particularly happy with my circumstances. I tend to feel anxious and overwhelmed, overworked, ineffective. Then, arching over it all, a gentle reminder that God is bigger. A children's song. A simple truth. Words from a good friend. Joy.
On my table, in a vase, two lilies open wide and full, a fragrance of life. A screwdriver still feels fixing my doornob. A wine class, emptied.
I close my day.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Men and Women
Lots of news lately in there Mere-o-sphere on Men versus Women, especially with our current political climate and my own musings about life and Panning.
I am reminded that just after "It is not good for the man to be alone" (Gen 2:18), God punishes the woman for her sin with, "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (3:16). Many cite the Fall of Man (a Christianese term meaning, when Adam and Eve first sinned) as the point that pitted men and women against each other. One commentary expands on this idea:
"...the entrance of sin has made that duty [of submission] a punishment, which otherwise it would not have been. If man had not sinned, he would always have ruled with wisdom and love; and, if the woman had not sinned, she would always have obeyed with humility and meekness; and then the dominion would have been no grievance: but our own sin and folly make our yoke heavy."
Point being, since shortly after the beginning, men and women have fought each other for power and dominance--both parties unsatisfied and denying their roles. This goes well beyond women wanting to work (which I don't believe Scripture speaks against, an entire topic that is presented much better by many others, especially recently, like here, here and here) and men not wanting to marry. At the heart of it, we are walking away from God's design and blaming each other for our own failures. For men and women to act properly toward each other, sometimes even just to get along, requires and act of God, and if we want to see this actually pan out, we need to pray toward it.
"How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:4-5)
In other news, my toes are still numb, I still don't know who Anonymous Number 2/5 is on the Peter Pan Post, and despite tirading hypothetically on the subject, I don't feel any closer to actually improving the state of male-female relationships in my life.
I am reminded that just after "It is not good for the man to be alone" (Gen 2:18), God punishes the woman for her sin with, "Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you." (3:16). Many cite the Fall of Man (a Christianese term meaning, when Adam and Eve first sinned) as the point that pitted men and women against each other. One commentary expands on this idea:
"...the entrance of sin has made that duty [of submission] a punishment, which otherwise it would not have been. If man had not sinned, he would always have ruled with wisdom and love; and, if the woman had not sinned, she would always have obeyed with humility and meekness; and then the dominion would have been no grievance: but our own sin and folly make our yoke heavy."
Point being, since shortly after the beginning, men and women have fought each other for power and dominance--both parties unsatisfied and denying their roles. This goes well beyond women wanting to work (which I don't believe Scripture speaks against, an entire topic that is presented much better by many others, especially recently, like here, here and here) and men not wanting to marry. At the heart of it, we are walking away from God's design and blaming each other for our own failures. For men and women to act properly toward each other, sometimes even just to get along, requires and act of God, and if we want to see this actually pan out, we need to pray toward it.
"How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:4-5)
In other news, my toes are still numb, I still don't know who Anonymous Number 2/5 is on the Peter Pan Post, and despite tirading hypothetically on the subject, I don't feel any closer to actually improving the state of male-female relationships in my life.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Teacher, can't I just copy the answers from the back of the book and be finished with it?
For the last 48 hours or so, my g-chat status has said, "Meredith Cooper has lots of questions."
It really wasn't the wisest thing to put up for all to see, because as encrypted messages go, this one solicits quite a lot of, well, questioning. In the midst of pondering several big issues in life, I'm not exactly ready to explain myself to the everyday gmail-passerby.
Still, my vague announcement offers insight into the psyche of Mere. On some level, I want people to have an idea, at least amorphously, that I'm struggling, but rarely do I want to get into the nitty gritty of it. I avoid episodes (like one I had the other night) where I involuntarily break down in front of one of those friends who's really not "in" enough for me to know that the sight of my mascara strewn face won't make him run for the hills. I keep it together because despite preaching vulnerability (and I think perhaps actually being fairly good at it at some point in my past), I prefer that people see me as a strong and pleasant person. I don't want to be a burden, I think, forgetting that by allowing others to bear my burdens, I afford them an opportunity to display Christlikeness. I forget that intimacy and fellowship are the first steps to being like Christ, how only in community can we actually carry out many of the commands of scripture--to be forgiving, patient, to lead and share wisdom.
So I did post for the world to see, and am furthering the cause with this, that I am praying through some life stuff, that I am asking questions of God and waiting patiently and persistantly for His response. A few people have messaged me to offer an answer--to one I jokingly finished his sentence: yes, I do know the answer, "Jesus!" I hoped the exclamation point was sufficient to convey the childlike (albeit sarcastic) enthusiasm that I once used to answer every question in Sunday School. It was a joke. It felt cliche. But I knew it was true.
It's like so much math homework, I realized. I know the solution--the answers to all the odds are in the back of the book--but now I'm mulling through the process of showing my work. Like I tell my students, you have to practice it so it will sink in. The homework is just extra studying, extra practice for the test.
And so it is, I assume, in my life. It's not in the finishing that life comes, not even always in the tests, but life, rather, is lived in the daily journey. Seemingly cliche, but true in a way that rises above it. Sometimes the questions are hard--I don't always know how to get there, but at least I know what the end point looks like, what I should start running toward and why.
It really wasn't the wisest thing to put up for all to see, because as encrypted messages go, this one solicits quite a lot of, well, questioning. In the midst of pondering several big issues in life, I'm not exactly ready to explain myself to the everyday gmail-passerby.
Still, my vague announcement offers insight into the psyche of Mere. On some level, I want people to have an idea, at least amorphously, that I'm struggling, but rarely do I want to get into the nitty gritty of it. I avoid episodes (like one I had the other night) where I involuntarily break down in front of one of those friends who's really not "in" enough for me to know that the sight of my mascara strewn face won't make him run for the hills. I keep it together because despite preaching vulnerability (and I think perhaps actually being fairly good at it at some point in my past), I prefer that people see me as a strong and pleasant person. I don't want to be a burden, I think, forgetting that by allowing others to bear my burdens, I afford them an opportunity to display Christlikeness. I forget that intimacy and fellowship are the first steps to being like Christ, how only in community can we actually carry out many of the commands of scripture--to be forgiving, patient, to lead and share wisdom.
So I did post for the world to see, and am furthering the cause with this, that I am praying through some life stuff, that I am asking questions of God and waiting patiently and persistantly for His response. A few people have messaged me to offer an answer--to one I jokingly finished his sentence: yes, I do know the answer, "Jesus!" I hoped the exclamation point was sufficient to convey the childlike (albeit sarcastic) enthusiasm that I once used to answer every question in Sunday School. It was a joke. It felt cliche. But I knew it was true.
It's like so much math homework, I realized. I know the solution--the answers to all the odds are in the back of the book--but now I'm mulling through the process of showing my work. Like I tell my students, you have to practice it so it will sink in. The homework is just extra studying, extra practice for the test.
And so it is, I assume, in my life. It's not in the finishing that life comes, not even always in the tests, but life, rather, is lived in the daily journey. Seemingly cliche, but true in a way that rises above it. Sometimes the questions are hard--I don't always know how to get there, but at least I know what the end point looks like, what I should start running toward and why.
Monday, September 08, 2008
Correcting Peter Pan means more than just thinking happy thoughts.
**Updated in response to Anonymous and insightful comment**
I'm hesitant to post this article, "Why I Am Leaving Guyland," not because I find any flaw in its logic or inappropriateness in its tone. Rather, I fear that, for the men in my life, it would be coming from the wrong source.
To be a girl referencing an article about "Peter Pan Syndrome" and "Adultescence" rarely comes without the slightest twinge of bitterness. It's like how I couldn't casually recommend a self-help book on the calming effect of an organized home to a messy roommate who might legitimately need the advice--there's a more appropriate way to address such an issue. In many cases, the source of reproach can make all the difference.
But what actually struck me from the article, aside from the legitimate argument against encouraging prolonged childhood, and the angle I wanted to discuss, were the statistics presented about women's salaries:
"Last year, researchers at Queens College in New York determined that women between 21 and 30 in at least five major cities, including Dallas, Chicago and New York, have not only made up the wage gap since 1970—they now earn upwards of 15 percent more than their male counterparts. As a result, many men feel redundant."
"Not enough!" I can hear my old feminism professor's tirade ringing in my ears. Until she deems it perfect equality, she will not be satisfied. Yet, I'm baffled. On one hand, I am tempted to think it positive that women are finding their place in life and finally being paid more equally for their work. There are more of us in college now and more taking executive positions. Though maybe still not equal, we are definitely making some great progress.
Progress. Then I think about all the different women I know who are getting master's degrees because, without the marriage and family they expected, they just kept learning in order vie for a career. I think about how, when work feels overwhelming, I sometimes wish I'd followed Plan A, which would have me at home with kids instead. We didn't mean to make our men feel redundant. We just didn't know what else to do. We progressed--that is, we, to our detriment, moved in a direction we were told was forward.
It's no wonder I find myself drawn to guys who are in the upper 20s/early 30s range. Guys my age are generally still figuring themselves out (of course so are some of the 30-somethings). As I'm getting a little more settled, I'm generally interested in men who are on the same trajectory, which often means five to ten years my senior.
In discussing the article earlier today, a friend of mine put it like this: "I think the point was that the women were surpassing men because women were acting like adults where the men still wanted to act like kids." His words ring harshly, but as one of the men I know who is definitely a man, I figure he's allowed to put it that way. I, as a woman, dare not.
My question in all of this hits a little more practically. If this is the problem, what can we do to help? As a woman, how do I best discourage this kind of behavior in the men I know without coming across as bitter, cynical, judging, etc, etc? Ultimately, what honors God the most?
I have a hunch there's a balance somewhere between women grabbing at power and men throwing hands up in disgust and letting us have it. Eve did it to Adam, and ever since, the fight for who ends up on top has permeated the battle of the sexes.
But what I find most frustrating is that the church is not exempt from this problem. Call me elitist, but when I see an issue like this, it's easy to attribute it simply to not knowing God and not knowing any better--the rest of the world doesn't follow God's design for how men and women should relate to one another, and therefore, encounter problems. However, proof that church people are just as messed up, just as needy of grace, we run into the same blunders. We say we follow God, and He tells us how to do relationships right...but we mess it all up.
I imagine what it would look like if we lived counter-culturally in this area--if we pursued marriages that honored God, that were passionate and fun, that encouraged and built character, relationships that proved to the rest of the world that God knew what he was talking about when he said, "It is not good for man to be alone." Our generation runs from marriage because we have shoddy examples of it, but if the church could show off marriage in a real and tangible way, what a beautiful reflection that would be of its designer, our God.
If we were a little more pro-marriage out here in the West Coast Church, those of us still single might actually want to pair off and settle down ourselves. Meanwhile, we need not nag our men to just "grow up" or whine about how "we are worth it" and, why don't they understand that? No, God is worth it--His truth is worth it, and relationships themselves, as God designed, are innately good and should be pursued as such. We could all benefit from a little more pointing to and pursing Christ and a little less angst, frustration, and selfish ambition. To God be the glory.
"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will."
I'm hesitant to post this article, "Why I Am Leaving Guyland," not because I find any flaw in its logic or inappropriateness in its tone. Rather, I fear that, for the men in my life, it would be coming from the wrong source.
To be a girl referencing an article about "Peter Pan Syndrome" and "Adultescence" rarely comes without the slightest twinge of bitterness. It's like how I couldn't casually recommend a self-help book on the calming effect of an organized home to a messy roommate who might legitimately need the advice--there's a more appropriate way to address such an issue. In many cases, the source of reproach can make all the difference.
But what actually struck me from the article, aside from the legitimate argument against encouraging prolonged childhood, and the angle I wanted to discuss, were the statistics presented about women's salaries:
"Last year, researchers at Queens College in New York determined that women between 21 and 30 in at least five major cities, including Dallas, Chicago and New York, have not only made up the wage gap since 1970—they now earn upwards of 15 percent more than their male counterparts. As a result, many men feel redundant."
"Not enough!" I can hear my old feminism professor's tirade ringing in my ears. Until she deems it perfect equality, she will not be satisfied. Yet, I'm baffled. On one hand, I am tempted to think it positive that women are finding their place in life and finally being paid more equally for their work. There are more of us in college now and more taking executive positions. Though maybe still not equal, we are definitely making some great progress.
Progress. Then I think about all the different women I know who are getting master's degrees because, without the marriage and family they expected, they just kept learning in order vie for a career. I think about how, when work feels overwhelming, I sometimes wish I'd followed Plan A, which would have me at home with kids instead. We didn't mean to make our men feel redundant. We just didn't know what else to do. We progressed--that is, we, to our detriment, moved in a direction we were told was forward.
It's no wonder I find myself drawn to guys who are in the upper 20s/early 30s range. Guys my age are generally still figuring themselves out (of course so are some of the 30-somethings). As I'm getting a little more settled, I'm generally interested in men who are on the same trajectory, which often means five to ten years my senior.
In discussing the article earlier today, a friend of mine put it like this: "I think the point was that the women were surpassing men because women were acting like adults where the men still wanted to act like kids." His words ring harshly, but as one of the men I know who is definitely a man, I figure he's allowed to put it that way. I, as a woman, dare not.
My question in all of this hits a little more practically. If this is the problem, what can we do to help? As a woman, how do I best discourage this kind of behavior in the men I know without coming across as bitter, cynical, judging, etc, etc? Ultimately, what honors God the most?
I have a hunch there's a balance somewhere between women grabbing at power and men throwing hands up in disgust and letting us have it. Eve did it to Adam, and ever since, the fight for who ends up on top has permeated the battle of the sexes.
But what I find most frustrating is that the church is not exempt from this problem. Call me elitist, but when I see an issue like this, it's easy to attribute it simply to not knowing God and not knowing any better--the rest of the world doesn't follow God's design for how men and women should relate to one another, and therefore, encounter problems. However, proof that church people are just as messed up, just as needy of grace, we run into the same blunders. We say we follow God, and He tells us how to do relationships right...but we mess it all up.
I imagine what it would look like if we lived counter-culturally in this area--if we pursued marriages that honored God, that were passionate and fun, that encouraged and built character, relationships that proved to the rest of the world that God knew what he was talking about when he said, "It is not good for man to be alone." Our generation runs from marriage because we have shoddy examples of it, but if the church could show off marriage in a real and tangible way, what a beautiful reflection that would be of its designer, our God.
If we were a little more pro-marriage out here in the West Coast Church, those of us still single might actually want to pair off and settle down ourselves. Meanwhile, we need not nag our men to just "grow up" or whine about how "we are worth it" and, why don't they understand that? No, God is worth it--His truth is worth it, and relationships themselves, as God designed, are innately good and should be pursued as such. We could all benefit from a little more pointing to and pursing Christ and a little less angst, frustration, and selfish ambition. To God be the glory.
"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart. Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth, and they may escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will."
-2 Timothy 2:22-26
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