I'm eating rice with butter and sugar

No really--family tradition. It's good stuff. Don't knock it before you try it.

In other news, I should be working on my paper but since it isn't due tomorrow, I feel little need to do it today. Perhaps I will attempt some sort of outline later...

Anyways, this post is going to be a bit less philosophical (sorry to those of you who were looking for some sort of wisdom a la Mere) but just a this-is-what-I've-been-up-to post.

Last weekend I went on a retreat with my fellow Bible study leaders, which totally rocked. We spent the weekend relaxing and listening to life stories. Then on Saturday night, we did written and verbal affirmations. I think this was my favorite part--not so much because I enjoy being praised (actually, it sort of freaks me out), but it was so encouraging to know that the other girls actually like me. What's that all about? Why is it I have such a fear of being liked? There's definitely a part of me that has always yearned to be as perfect as possible so that no one could find a fault in me that would make them deny God. It was as if I had to be as perfect as possible if they were going to see God in me. I know now that more often that not, that is less of a motivation to seek God, and more of a condemnation of me for being self-righteous. I'm learning now to share Christ through my weakness, but there is still something inside that wonders, am I good enough? If Christ's strength is made perfect in my weakness, why do I feel like I still have to strive so hard for approval from others? It's a proven fact that those who rise to leadership socially and in the work place are generally attractive people (physically and in their personality) because people would rather follow someone they'd want to be more like. So how does that translate for me? Is it possible that God would use my appearance and personality do draw people to me, so that I can point them to Christ? And why does that theory seem so self-centered?

I guess what I've come to (a rough theory) is that since Christ made us who we are, he will use us as such. That is to say, if we have an especially quick wit or high intelligence, he uses those if we let him. Really, it comes back to the fact that anything we are is a gift from God. When treated as such, my personality is not useful to win people because I am fabulous or something, but instead God gave me such a personality because he wanted to work through it. The big question is, when we are praised, do we look to ourselves for credit or point to Christ?

Really if I think about it, I shouldn't feel weird receiving affirmations or encouraging words from others because they affirm things about me that I could never have developed on my own. If there is anything in me worth praise, it is there because Christ is alive in me.

Ok--so much for not trying to be philosophical. I think too much..

Anyways, on Sunday evening, I went out with a few friends after church and we got into a discussion about dating vs. hanging out. Let me tell you--it was pretty intense. The problem we wanted to solve was how guys and girls can be less ambiguous about initiating so that they are not leading someone on. For instance, when a guy says, "we should hang out," what exactly does that mean? Does he want to take me out on a date? Does he want to hang out as friends? Does he want it to be a group thing? It can be kind of hard to tell. Well we got into all sorts of do's and don't's such as, guys (or girls) can be more intentional in the way that ask you out if they want it to be a date (can I take you out sometime?), or the receiver can avert a date situation by suggesting friends come along, and so forth. What I really want to get at is the reason why all of this is so difficult. Honestly, I'd be completely happy if my parents wanted to arrange a marriage for me. They know me well, and I trust them to pick the sort of person that would make a good match for me (read: not the highest bidder). However, I really have no right to complain about how complicated it has all gotten in the past couple of years because I'm the one complicating it.

My problem is that I have forgotten my first Love. Some days feel lonely, so I get more desperate to "try out" any guy that seems interested--even if I'm not too impressed so far, I might have misjudged him, so I don't want to discount him just yet. Really though...I know what I want. It's been almost the same since our first dating talks in junior high. Granted, I had no clue back then, but when I said I wanted a man of Godly character, I meant it, even if I didn't quite know how that would look. As time goes by, I am better able to define those characteristics and distinguish them in guys I meet. Point is, am I really trying not to be judgmental by going out with random guys just to "check them out" or am I just making excuses to receive the attention that a date brings? Yikes...kind of convicting. At this point in life, my priorities are more about building friendship relationships and serving at church (or elsewhere)--oh yeah, there's school too--so going out with a new guy is probably more of a dating "fix" for me. What I really want is not just someone that may be cool somewhere deep inside if I really dig for it, but someone who really intrigues me.

Alright, so what does that look like for me? Well if you ever read any of my stuff, you might pick up on the fact that I kind of like God. He's like...ultimate fab. It's not about looking cool or trying to be super-spiritual, but sometimes God gets me all sorts of riled up and I just have to share with other people the cool things he's done. So if that is what's most important to me, it's naturally the most important thing I look for in a guy. I want someone who gets excited with me when I talk about God. Someone who inspires and encourages me but also challenges me--in Christ. If I can't share what's at my core with him, we will never really connect. Obviously there are other things that I'd like to find--someone who is tall and musical, wants a family, and likes to cuddle--but those things are second and potentially compromiseable. The God Thing is the Main Thing. Without that, there's really no point as far as I'm concerned. I want someone who really turns my head.

Some additional thoughts:
Sorry if that was too Christian-y or bizarrely worded, but it's just how my mind works and what comes into my head, comes pretty much strait out, with little filtration.
A note for any male readers--not all girls think like this. I have no intention of representing the views of anyone but me, so it may not be to your advantage to apply these ideas to others.
Finally, this post is in no way intended to come across like a personal want ad, so please don't comment with any awkward theological discussions meant to impress. Because...yeah...that's.... awkward...