Connection Attempt Failed.

I really have a problem with all of those people who tell you, "if you ever need ANYTHING, call me anytime, night or day. If you need someone to talk to, you know I'm just a phone call away."

Intentions appreciated.

But these people can't really help...because you can't hug me through the phone or be there to run your fingers through my hair while I'm crying. When what you really want is touch...is presence, then talk just won't do.

I have been psychoanalyzed...

Here are some of the highlights:

"ESFJs are generous entertainers." (wait...what does this mean? Are we talking stage, movies, burlesque, C-list stripper?)

"ESFJs are easily wounded. And when wounded, their emotions will not be contained. They by nature 'wear their hearts on their sleeves,' often exuding warmth and bonhomie, but not infrequently boiling over with the vexation of their souls." (Dramatic much?)

"Their sense of right and wrong wrestles with an overwhelming rescuing, 'mothering' drive." (Ahh the South..)

"An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord." (yes...like a super-hero, I have nemesises...nemesi...nemesus...whatever)

"As caretakers, ESFJs sense danger all around...The world is a dangerous place, not to be trusted. Not that the ESFJ is paranoid...And thus they serve excellently as protectors, outstanding in fields such as medical care and elementary education." (Ironic that my name means Protector of the Sea? I think not.)

And according to this all knowing profile, some famous people that are also ESFJs include:
Desi Arnaz
Mary Tyler Moore
Sally Field
Nancy Kerrigan
Monica (from Friends)
Donald Duck
Rabbit (from Winnie the Pooh)

Yeah...interesting company...

There really are no words. I'm weird.

A Closer Moment

The movie Closer is one of my all time favorites. I love it for the way it portrays the dirtiness of human nature in a real and candid way. I mean...it's so real. But it's definately not the kind of real I want for my own life.

But today I had a moment...a Plain Jane moment where one of Natalie Portman's lines hit me in a very real and very scary way. Those who know me will attest to the fact that I have lots of random illegitimate crushes that always seem to be changing...and every now and then, I genuinely like someone--someone that I would actually want to go out with more than once. I know the kinds of things I am looking for, and I do run across them from time to time. With these guys, the "crush" is really more of a strong admiration...so even if they are unattainable, a part of me continues to sort-of like them just because they exemplify aspects of my ideal. There's a very clear difference (to me at least) between these guys and ordinary crushes.

But today I had an experience so new and so not fun with a more-than-a-crush guy. It was either a moment of perfect clarity or absolute distortion. Something in me switched...and Natalie Portman's line never rang clearer: I don't love you anymore. Goodbye.

Will this bring me any closer to who I am? Did I really just shut that down so thoroughly and so immediately? Where am I going now? Yes...it's just a guy. But this feels like the finale of all the doors that have been repeatedly shut for me in the last week.

Tonight, I don't feel closer to anything.
I don't like you anymore.
Goodbye.

Dreaming About Pregnancy Signifies Anxiety About a New Phase in Life

A couple of weeks ago, I had a dream where I found myself pregnant. The most distinct part of the dream was when I went into my kitchen to tell my roommate Alli. I was flipping out and asked, "How in the WORLD did I get pregnant without having sex?!?!"

Then last night, I had another dream about having a kid. I was with some people I don't know (though they were my friends in the dream) in a foreign Spanish-speaking country. We did something wrong that must have not been really wrong, because even though we were hunted by the government, many people were helping us out. So previous to all of this I had somehow had a child who has grown up to around 6 years old (yeah...I'm not sure exactly how long we had been there, but it didn't seem like long enough to have a 6 year old, but go with me on this) So that's about when the police came to get us wherever we were hiding out. It happened to quickly that I didn't have time to say much more to my daughter than, "I know we'll find each other soon." So we escape from jail and we're at this tavern and people keep coming in with news, food, or some of our old things that they managed to find. I kept asking everyone about my daughter since at this point, I would be able to bring her with me, and one old lady told me that she had come to my jail cell the day before (we left that morning, so I just missed her). The last thing that happened before I woke up was that amid flipping out about my kid, I began to wonder how I was going to explain this all to my parents.

Now, I find dreams utterly fascinating, and I think that there is definately some sort of merit to figuring out what they mean. I don't know exactly how much I buy about all the dream psychology, and I don't necessarily think that they are always super-significant (think angels appearing to Biblical figures). But I think that they can definately tell you things about yourself from the sub-conscious realm.

So what exactly does this dream mean? Is it due to my recent baby obsession? Or the fact that I watched Evita last night? Maybe I ate something weird. Thursday night, a friend of mine mentioned that pregnancy in a dream signifies change and fears/anxieties about some new life stage. I hit up Google to get some more info about the different parts of my dream. Aside from what Rochelle told me about pregnancy, I learned that dream analysts consider losing a child to mean something about fallen hopes, foreigners mean expansion of self into unfamiliar territory or an aspect of yourself that seems unfamiliar, and running from someone can mean not facing your fears. This means that a compilation of all these things in last night's dream could be my subconscious musing about my fears of change, disappointment, and the unfamiliar. All are definately possible. There are a couple of issues right now that I'm really wrestling over that scare me to death and don't seem to have answers just yet.

I have a confession to make. I kind of tricked you into reading this post--it's not really all about dreams and what they mean. The bigger question is what's up with freaking out about change?

As a general rule, I keep these posts vague when it comes to the personal details of my life, but this may make more sense if I leak just a little bit. The two big areas that are at the top of my prayer list right now deal with ministry and relationships. (And honestly, what else is really important in my life?) With ministry, I'm battling over where God wants me to be involved next year...and you're welcome to take a wild guess on what the relationships bit is about.

So my head keeps reminding me that if I am continually seeking the Lord, then all I need is patience to see what He reveals to me about these things. Trust in Him, and the other stuff will fall into place as it ought to. Still I worry. Right now I feel like I'm on the edge of something big. Like senior year of high school, these decisions seem to be just as big in guiding my life as the choice of where to go to college. There's potential for some really amazing things to happen soon--some big leaps from where I am right now, both spiritually and socially. Like always, I'm scared to death that I might completely botch it. My best friend, Mitzi, once told me that since God is in control, even I can't screw it up, which I do believe, in a sense. Given that we have freedom of choice, we are able to stray from "the plan," but if we are closely seeking Him, then as life changes, He will bring new things into our lives to glorify Him and bless us. To avoid getting into a discussion of Free-will versus Predestination, I'll leave this topic here. But the gem I want to pull from this is that it really makes no sense to freak out about making decisions (especially when some of them will be made for you) if you are genuinely seeking God in life.

Trust. Easy to talk about. Much harder to do.

I think that when we put high stakes on the choices we make, it's easier to flip out because we've put them on a pedestal. The higher the pedestal, the more damage will be done to the dream if it falls off...and the more damage it will do to your face when it smashes into you on the way down. Pessimistic? Me? No...

Seriously though, if we could learn to view the "big stuff" as not so big, then we could spend less time stressing over it and more time enjoying the transformation. Change doesn't always have to be scary. It can be fascinating and really cool to be a part of. I just don't think of it like that often enough.

When the Roomies are Away, the Mere Will...CLEAN!!

Yes that's right...Susie Homemaker has stolen my soul. I spent the whole afternoon cleaning up our common area, kitchen, and my bathroom. I also reorganized our kitchen cabinets so everything is all neat and in its own place. My apartment looks so cute right now, and it makes me really happy.

Which is probably sad.

But I so don't care. Thus is the fabulous life of Meredith Cooper. Perhaps now I will take a bubble bath and read a book :)

Playwriting: A Monologue

Hello?

Hi.

Yeah...it has been a pretty long time...

I've called because...well...I just wanted you to know that I'm getting married. I just needed you to know. And I wanted to say I'm sorry.

Because I still hate you. And I'm sorry. I've tried a thousand times to forgive you, to forgive myself...but no matter how many times I say it in my head. "I forgive you." It won't ever sink in.
I forgive you.
You were my first. Before I knew what I was doing. I was so innocent. I didn't think I was. But I was...I was innocent. And you took my heart...because I gave it willingly...because I didn't know any better. Because you felt safe. Because I trusted you.
I forgive myself.
You're an era that I can't block out. I see you in all sorts of little things. I mean...there's the necklace and the cd with your handwriting...but it's not just those. Those things make sense...but it's...anything that has to do with my life during that year or so. It's my art. It's my car...my clothes...my glasses...vanilla... It's all stained, all tainted.
I forgive you.
I don't have any pictures of us together...actually together. I have one picture of you from the bus...you're frowning at me. I can't remember how I made you frown. I don't know why I made you frown. But it sums up everything.
I forgive myself, too.
And I still hate you. And I'm getting married. He's everything I've always looked for. And I just needed to call you because I needed you to know.
And I'm sorry. Because I still hate you. I still hate you because I still love you.
So much.

The Pathetic Fallacy

This a f t e r n o o n it rained.
I was wearing w h i t e.

My sunroof was cracked.
3 1 1 in S G M
is a long way
from Menlo.
I walked.
T h e
rain
fell.

This has been an interpretive poem by Meredith Cooper.

In a movie or play, stormy weather heightens the emotions of the audience. Being chased by a killer through the woods is scary...but it's more scary when the poor D-cup blonde must fight her way through muddy brambles (see also the "wet clothes" effect invoked) and avoid being struck by lightning. In Shakespeare's King Lear, Act Three takes place in a dramatic thunderstorm where Lear, locked outside, runs around like a crazy person. The literary term for this is "pathetic fallacy." The term I use for this in my own life is, "yeah, that figures." Is it ironic that both today (Monday) and last Monday, I was in a crappy mood AND it was raining?? I think not. To use another rain analogy, in my life, it never rains--it pours. When I have a bad day, it's raining, I destroy the interior of my car, I break a nail, my toilet gets stopped up, my internet won't work, and someone steals all six of my Bibles--including the two on my computer!

I blame the parents.

Of course I didn't think about the weather when I got dressed this morning. All that mattered was wearing something that would be cute and also work for my costume in the scene I was performing for a friend's directing class. My pants were perfect for the scene. They were not perfect, however, for the rain later in the day. I don't think about these things because until college, I woke up every morning to my mom telling me to "wear a coat" or "bring an umbrella."
I don't know how to function in society as a single adult. If I don't get married (or hire one of those in-home nurses), I might die of a freak teeth-whitening accident then have my face eaten by my sixty cats before the police discover my body!!

I don't really think I was meant for the working-woman society. I mean...I sew...and arrange flowers...who does that?? Like Blanche Dubois, I was raised for a society that is slowly dying out. Perhaps I really belong somewhere in the 1950s. Then, my biggest concerns about today's rain would be how to alter dinner plans so I don't have to make a trip to the store. That might take ten minutes of thought before I would go back to knitting booties for the baby on the way and listening to the record player. Of course I wouldn't let it stress me out--wouldn't want to miscarry or anything...

Fast forward to 2006 and now I have to change for my spinning class and brainstorm for the two short essay questions that I need to email to my TA by midnight. No boys, no babies, and no booties.

Music and God's Will

I had a moment of clarity tonight at AGO's worship about how I sing. In recent years, as I learn more about music, I've started playing around with different harmonies, echoes and so forth. So now, when I worship, I rarely sing the melody but make up my own version to compliment what the band is playing. Really, the way I sing sometimes is like dancing around the melody.

And that brought me to God.

I get this mental picture of the throne of God radiating light and a beautiful music. My voice, personified, is dancing around Him in praise. What a cool thought! Because that's really how I'd like to be living my life. If God's will is a rich and wonderful song, then when we are walking with Him, our harmony weaves through His song, dancing beautifully. Can you picture what an amazing song it could be if we all add our unique vocal nuances? (granted, the analogy fails in the sense that God doesn't need us to make His song more full, though He does allow us the opportunity to sing) I just think it's soo cool that God taught me that tonight. So now any time I sing, I can picture my life blending with Christ's.