A Closer Moment

The movie Closer is one of my all time favorites. I love it for the way it portrays the dirtiness of human nature in a real and candid way. I mean...it's so real. But it's definately not the kind of real I want for my own life.

But today I had a moment...a Plain Jane moment where one of Natalie Portman's lines hit me in a very real and very scary way. Those who know me will attest to the fact that I have lots of random illegitimate crushes that always seem to be changing...and every now and then, I genuinely like someone--someone that I would actually want to go out with more than once. I know the kinds of things I am looking for, and I do run across them from time to time. With these guys, the "crush" is really more of a strong admiration...so even if they are unattainable, a part of me continues to sort-of like them just because they exemplify aspects of my ideal. There's a very clear difference (to me at least) between these guys and ordinary crushes.

But today I had an experience so new and so not fun with a more-than-a-crush guy. It was either a moment of perfect clarity or absolute distortion. Something in me switched...and Natalie Portman's line never rang clearer: I don't love you anymore. Goodbye.

Will this bring me any closer to who I am? Did I really just shut that down so thoroughly and so immediately? Where am I going now? Yes...it's just a guy. But this feels like the finale of all the doors that have been repeatedly shut for me in the last week.

Tonight, I don't feel closer to anything.
I don't like you anymore.
Goodbye.