This is it. I think I finally hit on something here. I mean, I might be able to retire from the blogosphere due to the brilliance of what I am about to tell you.
Ok maybe not...but I did have another one of my episodes--an "epiphany" of sorts, which I put in quotes because these theories, thoughts, or whatever you want to call them strike me with momentary brilliance like some sort of epileptic seizure. (I'm pretty sure the scientific inaccuracy of that analogy completely disqualifies me from any claim to being politically correct; thus, I beg your forgiveness.)
So let's get to the root of all of this: I'm going to blameshift a bit via citing the sources that motivated my recent ponderings. First is Brian Colmery, 1/2 of the Shoreline Pastor Team and recently discovered master of the balance beam. In yesterday's sermon, the point he made that struck the deepest in me was the idea (which if you listen to his articulation of this concept will make much more sense) that we, humans, prefer to control our own lives as much as possible. Now if you really think about this, it's kind of a dumb idea because we aren't so much in charge of the universe, but we still try to direct our own story as much as possible. Hold this thought as we move to culprit number two: Chrissie Wanke. I call her into question since she heads up our Monday night Bible study. Really, the entire group might be to blame, but it was Chrissie that posed again to us the question Colmery asked from atop a makeshift gymnastics beam: what is it you worry about? What are you trying to control? Where aside from God do you seek security?
Huh...well my mind immediately goes to the two big daddy's: money and men (this really ought to read money and boys, but I felt like working the two M's bit, at the cost of suggesting actual maturity in the males I deal with) I listened to the sermon again this morning in order to prepare for what we might discuss tonight, and I really tried to think about where I seek security. I came to a roadblock. Money? Well...I seemed ok with everything this summer, even though things were a bit tight. But now that I'm a little more financially comfortable, I wonder if I seek security in this. Granted, this is coming from the girl who thinks it would be fun to pack my stuff in a storage unit come my August graduation and just be homeless for a little while because it would be cool to see God really give me this day my daily bread. Contemplating the irresponsibility involved and the fact that this might be testing God in the same way that Satan asks Jesus to jump off a building so the angels can catch him, I probably will not follow through. But I digress...money doesn't seem like a big deal to me because I know that I'll be able to figure things out if push comes to shove (and by "I" what I really mean is God working in me). If money runs out, I'll get a job. If I can't make rent, I'll live in a crappier apartment. This seems so simple to me because I know that if things start to get hard, God will either pull me through or teach me to readjust my means. Non-issue.
I explained this tonight to the girls. Then in classic Meredith fashion, I plowed into my next topic without filtering it through any sort of thought process. What came into my head then directly out of my mouth was this: I don't really think I struggle with trying to control the guy thing. And I don't know if that's because I've somewhere along the line genuinely learned to trust God for that or if I just finally realized that I never had control to begin with (girl's don't pursue, right?) so it was less about "giving it to God" and more about facing the facts. And is thinking about boys all the time the same thing as trying to control that area of my life?
The conversation moved on, but my mind kept working these things out. What do I really seek to control? Where do I find security? Earlier today at work I was teaching my students how to solve basic algebraic equations. I tried to explain that the concept itself was simple. Yes, they will eventually get to much more complicated problems that look harder and take more time, but the basic idea of solving for "x" will be the same every time. Remembering this after Bible study, I felt like I had stumbled upon the secret of life. What if all of this really is that simple. x + 4 = 7, therefore x = 3. I never have to stress because God has it figured out. I mean, isn't this really what Paul means when he says in Philippians not to be anxious about anything? In a way, life really is that simple. Even though it's not. A blanket statement like that obviously begs all sorts of questions: what is the difference between being anxious, cautious, apathetic, or hard working? How do you know where God is leading you in life? Can you trust emotions? And so on and so on.
So I started to break things down: first with money. God's provided in the past. I have never starved. I fully trust that some sort of paycheck or kind gift will get me through if I find myself in a bind. This one may actually be the easiest to dismiss.
Second, what do I want to be when I grow up? Apparently I'm supposed to grow up next August when I graduate from SC. However, what I've come to realize, which is now the "it" idea moving through campuses nationwide, is that it's ok not to have life figured out when you graduate. I can pick different types of careers and jobs--do one thing for a while and switch around as I feel God leading. Granted, I'll have bills to pay, but this goes back to point number one.
Now there's only one big issue that could trump all of these: boys. Anyone who's read five lines of anything I've written can tell that this may very well be the most vulnerable area of my life, and Satan's sweet spot when he wants to take me out of the game. I willingly admit, if I've got control issues, or any other issues for that matter, they probably factor in somehow to the way I view men. But even here, things seem kind of simple. Actually, I recently started a draft of a post that I had titled "Am I Really Still Looking?" where I discuss the simplicity of finding a husband. Literally. I'm working through the idea that I may have dating down to an art. There is a short list of men that I could name right now that I would marry on the spot if they asked me to meet them at the courthouse (provided I knew where it was). I even made myself an acronym to describe such a match, which also serves to prove my fluency in Christianese and all things cheesy: ChAP, which stands for character, attraction, and pursuit. The idea goes that when I find a man of genuine, Godly character (this of course requires some further definition which I won't get into now), who I am attracted to and compatible with, and who pursues a relationship with me, then I am ready to marry him. I know that this makes quite a few people either roll their eyes and pity my innocence or want to stone me for suggesting that it's so easy. And really, I understand that it's not. But maybe it is. I mean, I would eventually like to marry and have a family. I think many of my motivations may actually be pure in this: I want to be able to serve and love another person within the intimacy that only a husband and wife can share. I'd like to raise my children in a Godly, loving home. And I hope to minister to other women in many different life stages and know how God can uniquely minister to His people with my husband and I as a unit, instead of two individuals. Knowing this, knowing what it means to have Godly character, and knowing (though this may be where my process is least evolved) when I am attracted to someone, it seems that taking the leap into a marriage isn't so scary. The thing is--and this is where everything ties together--you learn as you go. Follow God. Seek ye first the kingdom of God and His righteousness. And all these things will be added unto you...just like the verse, just like the song. I already know that marriage will have ups and downs, and some really difficult downs at that, but I also know that it is a commitment I want to make when I find someone worth making that commitment to (and believe me, if you had any idea the kinds of men on my list, you wouldn't worry about me jumping into things too fast). In marriage, you commit to another person what is also a commitment to God, and if you follow Him, He provides security. In jobs and money, you follow God, and He provides security. Follow God, get security. Done and done.
Now, in light of this intensive rant, I almost feel the need to add a paragraph in which I confess all of my deep, dirty sins, lest any of my readers be tempted to think that I am somehow SuperChristianGirl. I have for sure got plenty of yuck in my life. And I can very clearly attest to the fact that life isn't simple when you break it down. I'm still learning all of this, and trying to remember who God is, compared to me, so that my pride won't explode out of control. There's lots of question-begging that I'm sure will fill pages and pages of blog posts in the years to come, and I know I'll probably do all sorts of stupid things that completely contradict what I've written. I'll likely go out with a few more schmucks before I get married and have a break-down over financial issues. This is why I like the Shoreline Women's mantra: the pursuit of progress, not perfection. Yet, I actually find some comfort in knowing that the big picture isn't so complicated after all, especially if you are God and your thinking far surpasses that of any human.
I think God finds my blog kind of funny.
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