One of our pastors at Shoreline, Scott, just got back from Uganda, where he and three other SoCal guys went to teach theology to a group of pastors there. Apparently, one of the more interesting (read: funny to share with the crew back home) conversations they had with those men was about dating--how they choose a wife versus what we do here. The advice of the Ugandan men to the single American guys of the group was--just pick one. Reactions to this from our lunch table varied--laughter, nodding, eyes rolling. One of the girls backed their idea with her parents' story: he was 30, he knew that she was a good Christian girl, they weren't really in love, but they got married anyway. When I chimed in with "that's sad," I was silenced by, "well, they're still together." Not silenced by the tone of response...but it really made me think. Just pick one?
Gut reaction: well of course that doesn't work here because women have a say in being picked, and whether that's good or bad or just different, it is what it is. Guys can't "just pick one" because the girl may very likely veto. Hence, dating is born. Now for arguments' sake, let's say that it would be better if our lives were like they were a hundred or so years ago when a man went to the father, bartered with cows and crops, and came home with a new bride. Maybe the problem, as someone suggested, is that we, as women, won't just go with the one who comes along to pick us--that we are always wondering if there's someone better out there...
Is the meaning of the title starting to click with you yet? Women raised in the conservative Christian church are well versed in the idea of patiently waiting for their Prince. After all, a "daughter of the King" should "guard her heart" because "true love waits," etc. etc. Now, these are great ideas--purity is commanded in the Bible and I don't think any of what we've been teaching young girls in the church is far from the mark. I'll be the first to attest to how learning this stuff personally kept me out of a good deal of trouble in Jr. High and High School, but my question is, then, how does this fit in with "just pick one"? On to the bigger question:
To wait or not to wait..?
First I should lay out some parameters for the hypothetical I'm working on. So you have a girl. For example's sake, let's call her "Meredith." Now Meredith knows several equally-qualified, good Christian guys. Let's call them "--ok maybe they can remain nameless...So Meredith is sitting around like a good Lady in Waiting--waiting on one of them to start pursuing. And when one of them does, one of the quality ones, should Meredith just go along with it? Is godliness the only qualification to consider? And even if attraction and common interests aren't important--how does Meredith go about deciding when someone is "godly enough?"
Awkward 3rd person references aside, how much is a girl supposed to wait for? If the man is supposed to "just pick one," then shouldn't we just say yes? Now, I haven't counted the number of question marks I've used so far today, but for fear that I might reach my per-post question-quota, I'll start working through some answers...
Answer #1: Clearly, the problem with our engagement process is that the bartering-with-the-father part has been cut out of the equation, so now we have to figure things out some other way--bartering becomes dating--and we want to know what a guy has to offer us before we agree to tie any knots.
Answer #2: This leaves us with new problems to consider: some of us suck at bartering. And there probably will ALWAYS be someone better out there somewhere. And unless I'm the only retarded girl in all of girlkind, it's not so simple to get the heart and mind to sync up...or the heart and mind to sync with his heart and mind...or any other awkward combination thereof. If we're going to be doing all this waiting, we better know what it is we are waiting for--and last time I checked, God's hand hadn't etched any names on my wall or anything like that, leaving me to trust in my limited wisdom, my gut feelings, advice from others and chance. Colmery's probably right about us not praying for what we really want because we fear it might be answered. I won't get a deposit back if there's a name mysteriously carved into whatever joke of a building material comprises the walls of my room. But, God, maybe a little less dramatically destructive form of revelation? I don't think I'll get charged for burning bushes since those are technically not our responsibility...
My Final Answer: If anyone wants to marry me, he can bring some goats over to my house in Texas and take it up with my dad. Or hey...I'll make it even easier and nominate Scott and Lara as my stand in parents (despite the fact that they are really only like 5 years older than me) and he can consult them for my asking price.
Which is 3 carats. And beachfront property. And a hot body. That likes to dance.
Ok maybe I do want just a little say in this...
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2 comments:
well maybe lindy's nursing a little hypothetical herself, too...
i think one overarching problem we face is going for what is perfect, not what is good. now i think it's ok to look for perfect things (or at least better ones) some times. like cooking your friend's fave dinner if they're over or watching their fave movie with them if you're hanging out and not like, "hmm this movie is good let's watch it."
but we're always worried about what's 'better' and we can't quantify the world (which is something i get restless about... i wish it were all math modelable sometimes) and by that i mean how would you rate 'doesn't swear' against 'dresses well', or quantify his hotness and stuff. and i mean on a personal level, too, as preferences change. we think things are 'better' but there's no way to be sure, and there is no certainty because we are just being hypothetical in trying to size up all the guys chomping at the bit to date us (again, hypothetical...)
in the end, i think we can only know whether things are good. i rest in the fact that god is perfect, but the things he has given me are not perfect, but they are good. and god doesn't want me to be perfect, he wants me to be good. he wants me to follow his good commandments and the good example of his son.
now, this is dangerous i don't mean like, "wow i am not physically attracted to suitorman but he does open the door for me and he really does love god... how about a june wedding?" but i think we need to focus on the things that are good, not that is 'best' which is a moving target anyhow so i'm not going to chase after it. and maybe i'll get married maybe i won't. maybe i'll get home in january and the menfolk will be lining up around the block, and maybe lots of lesbians will start hitting on me. and maybe i'll win a nobel prize, and maybe i'll teach english in sudan and i truly do not know what's 'best', but god is showing me what is 'good' and that's what i think we should strive for. the rest is hypothetical and, i think for me, pointless.
From a perspective of a Brother in Christ,
I believe in God's will(our fate).
I have many close relationships with Sisters in Christ, but God's will has not changed the situation. I am left to be patient. All I can do at this point is enjoy God and his daily works on my faith. His constant showing of my needs and wants. In this I see what is truly important, and what to look for in a woman.
In relationships, I feel no one should settle below the standard God has given us in his son. We should look for the attributes of a God fearing Man/Woman who is seeking to glorify God and enjoy Him forever. If we do not see the attributes of the Holy Spirit, it is not wise to get involved with that person.
I feel some soapbox time coming along.
I just know that God has taken care of what lies ahead of us. He has told us not to worry about anything. So if his will for me is to get married right out of college, after I get my masters, or never at all, I will still take comfort in Him who fills the very need for companionship.
Your Brother in Christ,
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