Can a Girl Get Friend-Zoned?

Regardless of your opinion of the recent non-blockbuster, Just Friends, I would have to argue that the film holds merit in, if nothing else, the fact that it officially coined a term that we've all been wracking our brains to put a name to: the friend zone. Then, of course there's that scene with the drugged girlfriend and the toothpaste which is just beyond...*refocusing, clears throat*...So the friend zone is this amorphous, painful, no-chance-of-ever-scoring place that we ladies tend to put guys--and once you go there, gentlemen, there is no coming back. Allegedly, the worst line that a girl can give a guy is, "you're such a great friend." Because once you're a friend, you can never be anything more.

Before I continue with that thought, though, I must pause to introduce the other film from which I will draw for this post. A little compare/contrast, if you will. According to the wisdom that is When Harry Met Sally, a perhaps more credible reference than the aforementioned, men and women can't actually be friends. Harry lays out a few exceptions to the rule, but for the most part, he explains (and the course of events in the movie supports) that eventually someone always gets hurt. Inevitably, one person always falls for the other. The other, who will ever-so-kindly friend them to death.

My roommate, Lauren, disagrees. She tells me that she's got quite a few guy friends that really are just friends--nothing between the two of them and no desire for it, either. I'm impressed. So I dig around for some personal examples, a testimony of my own. Sure, I've got loads of guy friends, past and present. In high school, I preferred them anyway because I couldn't stand most girls. So I've got plenty of examples to consider, any of which would make a lovely selling point for my argument. However, to avoid having to make up a gaggle of pseudonyms (to protect the innocent), you'll have to take me at my word. A blanket statement: I'm with Harry. In male-female friendships, it seems like something always goes amiss. Often it's me, daydreaming and planning. I misread intentions because I intend for them to mean something quite different from what he intends. Or maybe because I'm a girl so I think that every action must have a motivation, every word a subtext, which I'm told isn't true when you're a guy. Still, I start to assume...search my own heart and all of a sudden the TV set goes fuzzy like it's raining and the picture comes in sideways, which probably wouldn't happen if I upgraded to digital, but I'm too old fashioned. Then it's, "I never looked at him like this before...and what if he's...like...the one..." (vomit) Thus, I find myself up a creek without a paddle. Or a boat. Or a life vest. Maybe I scrounge up some water-wings, but let's be honest, one rough series of rapids , one sharp rock, and I'm fish food. (Not to be confused with the Ben & Jerry's ice cream flavor. Conveniently, they spell fish with a "ph" so as to differentiate.) Of course, sometimes, it's not me, which has been more the case since I hit college and learned that boys at parties are not nice to you just because their mama raised em right. And no one likes the awkwardness of "just hanging out" at your apartment, which he apparently saw as an invitation to mack on you. Classy.

Before you jump to any conclusions (especially those of my readers who are, in fact, male friends of mine), I feel I should clarify my stance. I'm fine with having guy friends--comes with the territory. You know...of life. Seeing as how half the planet is indeed, male, it only makes sense that I must interact with them at some point. (I say this like it's drag...ha.) But in all seriousness, after I left high school, I started to realize that one day I might be married, and I don't want my husband to be worried or stressed or jealous if I have a lot of really close friends that are guys. Plus I don't need any extra temptation. So I started pulling back a little. I let those old friendships, that were now inhibited by several hundred miles, peter out. Currently, though there are several "big brother" figures in my life, I would just as soon not become BFF with a bunch of boys. Especially if it will end in my own heartache or his friend-zone frustration. There are plenty of guys that I care about and enjoying hanging out with--but the moment things start to get a little too personal, or I start to really want to spend a lot of time with one guy in particular, it makes more sense to draw the line. I have enough friends as it is. And they are girls, which, though significantly more catty, are also strikingly safer companions.

Going back to my original question, it's hard not to speculate. My stereotypes of men have gotten me into trouble in the past, so now I know better than to assume that it's always the "nice guy" who secretly obsesses over the cute-but-clearly-oblivious female. Either sex is equally susceptible to that awkward moment when the other person mentions how delightful it is to have such a great friend. Talk about a DTR gone wrong. When did that word become so repulsive? Friend? Maybe it's a shot to the pride--a "how could you not like me?" moment where you start to question your worth and that inner intuition that people are always telling you to trust...that just lead you monstrously astray. I can't help but think it also has a little bit to do with the fact that we see every interaction in our lives through the "what's in it for me?" lens. I don't think anyone wants to call it like it is, but we probably only have friends because it benefits us to do so. And if being friends with a guy is going to do me more harm than good, why would I put myself through the torture? If it's going to come down to the friend-zone...and if it really is this icky place that you can't ever get out of...why continue to invest in it? Forgive my non-committal nature, but I think I'll bail.