Where Did We Go Wrong?

I've now officially had two conversations with (respectable, godly) men I know, who confessed to me that the reason they are uninterested in dating right now is because they don't think that a girlfriend is worth all the effort. Admittedly selfish, both explained their own version of the same predicament: investing in a woman takes time and energy and, frankly, the costs on this one outweigh the benefits.

On a seemingly unrelated note, work is really stressful right now. I've avoided writing lately because there were some big changes about to happen that I wasn't really authorized to discuss. Though I still don't really know what is going to happen as they shift positions around, it's finally safe to tell people: my boss left on Friday. This opens up all sorts of questions, not about job security, but about potential promotion and also major revamping of the entire center. None of that really matters here--the point is, we're really busy. Stress is at all time highs. At the end of the day today, the owner asked me how I was doing, on a scale of 1-10. On a normal day, I function at a 9-10, I said--able to handle all my duties, fairly stress free. I told him that today was about a 7.

Bawling so hard on the way home that I could barely see the road in front of me...perhaps would indicate otherwise.

It's times like these that I start to feel kind of lonely. It would be really nice if, at the end of a day full of drama like today, I had someone to come home to. Even if all we did was sit down to watch TV or I made him dinner or whatever, it would be nice to have someone to lay down next to--a physical reminder that my life is much bigger than a job or career. I know that when it comes down to it, man or not, that statement is true: God desires more for my life than success at work. And He has certainly provided so much more, through friends, family and church, but I guess I always figured it would also include starting my own family. If you had asked me in high school, I would have said that by 22, I'd be on the cusp of marriage, kids at 25, and some sort of piddly job in the meantime to keep me occupied. I never expected a serious job, let alone a career, yet God has blessed me in this route, rather than through family (at least up until this point). I feel horribly guilty to even vent or complain right now since God has been gracious enough to not only provide for me on this alternate path, but to bless me in it, tremendously. But like the spoiled brat I tend to be, I feel that sinking dissatisfaction and the underlying, creeping question, "Is this all there is?"

Cue in my aforementioned conversation. While I understand the plight facing many men these days, it's hard not to take it personally when I hear them say that women are just not worth the fight. While I know the slight isn't specifically aimed at me, it's difficult to hear anything but, "Meredith, you could never be of enough value to outweigh the pain and trouble I would go through just trying to manage and deal with you." It's heartbreaking to think that we, as women, have created such a reputation for ourselves that men don't even want to bother with us. It's even worse to think that maybe this problem is so big that I won't ever be able to fight or fix it. Do we blame feminism? How do we get down to the root of it all?

Having been groomed for marriage, I find myself struggling in a world that no longer caters to that lifestyle. I hope my frustration is not a simple matter of discontent with my relationship status--I think it's bigger than that. It would be one thing to face the men I know (and *blushes* those I have a crush on) if the problem was that "he's just not that into me," but it's an entirely different problem if men, as an entire species, have just given up on their God-given counterparts. I have girl friends on both sides of the fence: some think that if a guy actually, really liked someone, he would think she's worth the effort and make a move, and I know others that ball-bust men for their sinful selfishness. I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to shout from the rooftops--"We aren't all that bad!!" I'd at least hope to convince people that I'm not one of them. But to no avail.

I sadly wonder if we won't all remain miserable in mediocre lives that never taste and see the goodness of intimacy that the Lord designed. Years of Sunday School grow fuzzy as I try to think up where in the Bible God talks about marriage as a good thing...

"The Lord God said, 'It is not good for man to be alone..." Gen 2:18