Prayer

"Even the strongest among us will falter against the blast of the winds and the waves. Doubt, fear, and depression assault us all, no matter how much theology we've mastered. Hannah tells us by her life, as well as by her words, that the struggles that humble us are important regardless of the outcome. By her own account, 'those who stumbled are armed with strength' (1 Samuel 2:4). Hannah was strong because she had stumbled and fallen flat on her face."

~Carolyn Custis James, Lost Women of the Bible

In 1 Samuel, we read the story of Elkanah and his two wives, Peninnah and Hannah. While the former had borne him several children, Hannah was barren--the epoch of shame in that society--and suffered insult upon insult by "the other woman" about her value as a wife. In an episode of anguish, so intense that the priest thought Hannah was drunk, she petitions God for a child, promising to offer the son back to the Lord's service at the temple. Then, she continues her life, continues worshiping God, despite her pain. Against a hopeless situation, Hannah continues in her faith in God.

Right on cue, God delivers a miracle, reopens Hannah's womb and gives her a son. Once Samuel is weaned, Hannah makes good on her part of the bargain, giving her son to be raised in the temple and serve there. Her prayer in the temple was the subject of my meditation this morning...

"My heart exults in the Lord; my strength is exalted in the Lord.
My mouth derides my enemies because I rejoice in your salvation.
There is none holy like the Lord; there is none besides you; there is no rock like our God.
Talk no more so very proudly, let not arrogance come from your mouth;
for the Lord is a God of knowledge, and by him actions are weighed.
The bows of the mighty are broken, but the feeble bind on strength.
Those who were full have hired themselves out for bread,
but those who were hungry have ceased to hunger.
The barren has borne seven, but she who has many children is forlorn.
The Lord kills and brings to life; he brings down to Sheol and raises up.
The Lord makes poor and makes rich; he brings low and he exalts.
He raises up the poor from the dust; he lifts the needy from the ash heap
to make them sit with princes and inherit a seat of honor.
For the pillars of the earth are the Lord's, and on them he has set the world.
He will guard the feet of his faithful ones, but the wicked shall be cut off in darkness,
for not by might shall a man prevail.
The adversaries of the Lord shall be broken to pieces; against them he will thunder in heaven.
The Lord will judge the ends of the earth; he will give strength to his king
and exalt the power of his anointed."

~1 Samuel 2:1b-10

How I Lost My Appetite for Chocolate for a Good Part of 7th Grade

"This, ladies, is your heart."

Our youth leader held up a piece of chocolate for her demonstration. It was week one in our "dating" series and at 7th grade, most of us were just hitting the boy-crazy phase. Perfect timing...lets dwell on boys in our Bible study--what could be better than justifying a way to merge God with my desire for a boyfriend. I was sold.

"So let's say you are going to start dating a boy," she began, "and you guys hold hands--it's the first time you've ever held hands with a boy and it's really exciting, right?"

We nod, even though many of us,myself included, don't really know what that's actually like. She takes a small nibble from the top of the chocolate heart.

"So now you've given that little piece of yourself to this boy--he's the first to hold your hand."

We wait for what's next.

"So then let's say you start hanging out a lot more and you start to share a lot of your emotions with him..."

Another small bite out of the heart.

"He now has that little piece of your heart...and then let's say you've been dating a little while and he finally kisses you..."

Bite.

From the back of the room, someone giggles a little, but I have enough wherewithal to know that something about this isn't really quite funny. Her tone of resentment builds.

"So now you see what you have of your heart...some pieces are missing because you gave those away to this boy..."

I'm not comfortable with the glimmer of crazy that flashes across her eyes. Some others are starting to clue in. We career Christians are taught to look for the turn in any analogy, and right on cue, all hell breaks loose.

"So then let's say you guys start doing just a little more than kissing..."

A more rabid bite.

"...and he's touching you in ways that are not appropriate..."

Teeth sinking, chocolate ripped away.

"...and then eventually you have SEX with him!!"

Bite! Bite! Bite!!

No one is smiling any longer as we stare horrified at the lump of chocolate and saliva that lays in her hand, running down her fingers. A stray drop lands on the floor, ignored by the intensity of the situation. Our faces are stone and terror as we listen to her heavy breathing. A worldview shift. In this moment, we are terrified of the opposite sex.

Her point: anything you do with a boy who is not your husband is going to cause you grief when you are married, so be careful how you date and don't give pieces of your heart away haphazardly.

I won't fault those Junior High dating lessons, because I think they were both well-intentioned and useful for angsty pre-teens who clearly did not have the maturity to handle themselves well in relationships. Like kissing dating goodbye, there are certain seasons in life where these types of principles are useful. It's good to be cautious in dealing with the opposite sex because young people are often reckless and can end up causing a lot of unnecessary harm through bad dating practices.

But as I've gotten older, I've had to re-evaluate what it means to "guard my heart." I noticed that it was founded in some very un-biblical ideas--I had taken this mandate about preparing for marriage and skewed it into the idea that I would somehow come into a relationship damaged and that it would be disappointing for my spouse who probably deserved better but would take pity on me anyways. Worse, I had taken to guarding myself as a means of self-preservation, an utterly selfish preservation. I fashioned a godly-sounding excuse for avoiding vulnerability and transparency in my relationships with guys, and as a result I had kept things shallow with most people. I was judgemental, scared, silly and downright sinful.

It wasn't until recently that I started to look back at this idea of "guarding my heart" and ask myself where the maxim came from. While the principle seemed biblical--even after I'd stripped away my misinterpretation and insecurity about it--I wanted to know what exact part of scripture it was based on. Then I found it...

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

--Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else," I marvelled. Them's fightin' words. So whatever it means to guard my heart, I better take this seriously. But beyond the mandate to guard my heart vehemently, the verse didn't really explain what I was supposed to be doing with such vigor. Luckily, I have enough Bible training to know better than to isolate a verse out of context; rarely does the Bible work with one-liners, so I looked to the surrounding verses for clarity. Turns out this verse comes in the context of a young man being encouraged to pursue wisdom in his life, avoid wickedness, and consider his steps carefully. They weren't talking about dating and marrying well. Hmm.

This is elaborated in the Matthew Henry commentary:

"Keep thy heart with all diligence. God, who gave us these souls, gave us a strict charge with them: Man, woman, keep thy heart; take heed to thy spirit, Deu. 4:9. We must maintain a holy jealousy of ourselves, and set a strict guard, accordingly, upon all the avenues of the soul; keep our hearts from doing hurt and getting hurt, from being defiled by sin and disturbed by trouble; keep them as our jewel, as our vineyard; keep a conscience void of offense; keep out bad thoughts; keep up good thoughts; keep the affections upon right objects and in due bounds. Keep them with all keepings (so the word is); there are many ways of keeping things—by care, by strength, by calling in help, and we must use them all in keeping our hearts; and all little enough, so deceitful are they, Jer. 17:9. Or above all keepings; we must keep our hearts with more care and diligence than we keep any thing else. We must keep our eyes (Job 31:1), keep our tongues (Ps. 34:13), keep our feet (Eccl. 5:1), but, above all, keep our hearts. 2. A good reason given for this care, because out of it are the issues of life. Out of a heart well kept will flow living issues, good products, to the glory of God and the edification of others. Or, in general, all the actions of the life flow from the heart, and therefore keeping that is making the tree good and healing the springs. Our lives will be regular or irregular, comfortable or uncomfortable, according as our hearts are kept or neglected."

Meaning, guarding my heart has less to do with how I interact in relationships with men (though this is involved) but in how I behave overall. I should have an attitude that guards against evil...that does not allow myself to dwell on any sinful thing, but meditate on whatever is pure...

"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, thing about these things. What you have learned and received and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

--Philippians 4:8-9

"So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love..."

Relentless, like a child, I am learning to ask, "why?"

In the past week or so, I've bitten back the urge to admit that I really need some encouragement. I hate that the seeming identity of a woman is marred by her nagging infatuation with being validated. And so, I find my desire to be built up quite deplorable, as it seems to be on par with the short skirts and bar scene where I would vie for the attention of a man to assure myself of worth. I'm finding a deep dissatisfaction with the excuse, "that's just how women are," and wish I could pick God's brain over a pint. What is Biblical when it comes to the identity of a woman, or the identity of a person in general? Where is the logical explanation for my actions? And if there is something inherently sinful about my behavior, despite whether it is "natural," should I not therefore take all measures to root it out?

The question: why do I need to be encouraged? Is this really a need or some selfish crutch on which I've learned to lean for support?

The book of Acts, and consequently the epistles of the New Testament, are full of examples of Jesus' disciples and followers traveling to early churches and offering encouragement for the believers there:

"And when [the believers in Antioch] had read [the letter], they rejoiced because of its encouragement. And Judas and Silas, who were themselves prophets, encouraged and strengthened the brothers with many words." (Acts 15:31-32, see also 16:40, 18:27, 20:1-2)

In lieu of his being able to come to the churches directly, Paul's letters also function to encourage believers. Though full of instruction and rebuke, Paul opens by reminding the believers of their identity (often calling them "saints," which is to say, made holy in Christ) and how, specifically he has been encouraged by hearing about them. (Eph. 1:15-16, 1 Cor. 1:4-8, 2 Tim. 1:3-7)

In Romans, Paul expresses a desire that they "would be mutually encouraged by each other's faith" (1:12), then later exhorts them to look toward scripture for their hope, hope in a God who is identified as a source of endurance and encouragement:

"For whatever was written in former days was written for our instruction, that through endurance and through the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope. May the God of endurance and encouragement grant you to live in such harmony with one another, in accord with Christ Jesus, that together you may with one voice glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Rom 15:4-6).

In 1 Thessalonians, Paul explains that because the end is drawing near, we should be encouraging each other with the hope of Christ's second coming (4:18). He then explains that since the Day of the Lord is coming, we should not sleep, but prepare ourselves to fight, "having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation" (5:8) He concludes, assuming that this will be a hard road:

"Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing" (5:11).

All that to say, encouragement is probably necessary if scripture is riddled with it. Though it is clearly not the only good thing--most of the content in the letters in the New Testament are devoted to instruction, admonishing believers to pursue holiness at whatever the cost--it seems fair to assume that encouragement within the church body is both healthy and helpful. Still, it does not answer my first question--why do we claim to need it? Why do we keep needing it over and over and over again? I can't help but ashamedly empathize with the Israelites when they constantly doubt that God is going to pull off what He promises to do--how often God laments over how His people have forgotten Him. To my dismay, I, too, am quick to forget. I don't know why my brain seems wired that way and why, if I were just reminded yesterday of God's promises (or five minutes ago), I "need" to hear it again.

I emailed my parents, seeking some clarity, and got a lengthy response from my mom, quoting some things that she was reading and verses that she turns to when she is tempted by discouragement. She ended the email with this:

" I love you, Meredith. You are an amazing, strong, wise, beautiful young woman, and the holy, precious, righteous, forgiven, redeemed, loved, eternally saved child of God, the Heavenly Father...."

What is it about those words that have the power to quell the rising panic that I keep pushing down below my stomach, to hide somewhere entangled within--or perhaps entangling--my intestines? Does my comfort stem from a fear of man--do I so highly regard the approval of my mother that her patting me on the head holds more weight than reading truth in scripture? I wouldn't put it past my sinful self to hold to an inkling of these things, but more often than not, it's the way my parents encourage me that will transform my outlook.

I have been uniquely blessed with parents who love the Lord. Though I am certain they have been disappointed in me at times, they are quick to assure me of my value in Christ. They will note when I'm wrong, but rather than dwell there, they are quick to point me upwards, reminding me in my weakness to rely on God for strength.

That said, being called "amazing" or "beautiful" would be utterly empty had my mother not raised me to understand that any good within me is the work of Christ. If there is any strength in me, it is because God has made me strong. Any wisdom, I can attribute to the Holy Spirit opening my eyes. Any beauty, intended to reflect the glory of the Lord. She follows it up with a laundry list of other attributes of my identity as it is presented in scripture, helping my eyes focus where they belong. My mom realizes what I hope to practice: encouragement should come in Christ--not merely puffing someone up with senseless flattery. The kind of encouragement that we see in scripture is reminding each other of God's triumph to come, looking back at all He has blessed us with, meditating on His grace to forgive even the worst of our sins, and reflecting on the hope that it's worth it to wait up into the night and be on guard and fight for godliness. To dwell on God in this way is honoring and provides a peace and joy that is foreign to this world.

So if that is encouragement, then whether I really "need" it or not, I hope to surround myself with people who offer it freely and look for ways to give it in return.