Our youth leader held up a piece of chocolate for her demonstration. It was week one in our "dating" series and at 7th grade, most of us were just hitting the boy-crazy phase. Perfect timing...lets dwell on boys in our Bible study--what could be better than justifying a way to merge God with my desire for a boyfriend. I was sold.
"So let's say you are going to start dating a boy," she began, "and you guys hold hands--it's the first time you've ever held hands with a boy and it's really exciting, right?"
We nod, even though many of us,myself included, don't really know what that's actually like. She takes a small nibble from the top of the chocolate heart.
"So now you've given that little piece of yourself to this boy--he's the first to hold your hand."
We wait for what's next.
"So then let's say you start hanging out a lot more and you start to share a lot of your emotions with him..."
Another small bite out of the heart.
"He now has that little piece of your heart...and then let's say you've been dating a little while and he finally kisses you..."
Bite.
From the back of the room, someone giggles a little, but I have enough wherewithal to know that something about this isn't really quite funny. Her tone of resentment builds.
"So now you see what you have of your heart...some pieces are missing because you gave those away to this boy..."
I'm not comfortable with the glimmer of crazy that flashes across her eyes. Some others are starting to clue in. We career Christians are taught to look for the turn in any analogy, and right on cue, all hell breaks loose.
"So then let's say you guys start doing just a little more than kissing..."
A more rabid bite.
"...and he's touching you in ways that are not appropriate..."
Teeth sinking, chocolate ripped away.
"...and then eventually you have SEX with him!!"
Bite! Bite! Bite!!
No one is smiling any longer as we stare horrified at the lump of chocolate and saliva that lays in her hand, running down her fingers. A stray drop lands on the floor, ignored by the intensity of the situation. Our faces are stone and terror as we listen to her heavy breathing. A worldview shift. In this moment, we are terrified of the opposite sex.
Her point: anything you do with a boy who is not your husband is going to cause you grief when you are married, so be careful how you date and don't give pieces of your heart away haphazardly.
I won't fault those Junior High dating lessons, because I think they were both well-intentioned and useful for angsty pre-teens who clearly did not have the maturity to handle themselves well in relationships. Like kissing dating goodbye, there are certain seasons in life where these types of principles are useful. It's good to be cautious in dealing with the opposite sex because young people are often reckless and can end up causing a lot of unnecessary harm through bad dating practices.
But as I've gotten older, I've had to re-evaluate what it means to "guard my heart." I noticed that it was founded in some very un-biblical ideas--I had taken this mandate about preparing for marriage and skewed it into the idea that I would somehow come into a relationship damaged and that it would be disappointing for my spouse who probably deserved better but would take pity on me anyways. Worse, I had taken to guarding myself as a means of self-preservation, an utterly selfish preservation. I fashioned a godly-sounding excuse for avoiding vulnerability and transparency in my relationships with guys, and as a result I had kept things shallow with most people. I was judgemental, scared, silly and downright sinful.
It wasn't until recently that I started to look back at this idea of "guarding my heart" and ask myself where the maxim came from. While the principle seemed biblical--even after I'd stripped away my misinterpretation and insecurity about it--I wanted to know what exact part of scripture it was based on. Then I found it...
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."
--Proverbs 4:23
"Above all else," I marvelled. Them's fightin' words. So whatever it means to guard my heart, I better take this seriously. But beyond the mandate to guard my heart vehemently, the verse didn't really explain what I was supposed to be doing with such vigor. Luckily, I have enough Bible training to know better than to isolate a verse out of context; rarely does the Bible work with one-liners, so I looked to the surrounding verses for clarity. Turns out this verse comes in the context of a young man being encouraged to pursue wisdom in his life, avoid wickedness, and consider his steps carefully. They weren't talking about dating and marrying well. Hmm.This is elaborated in the Matthew Henry commentary:
"Keep thy heart with all diligence. God, who gave us these souls, gave us a strict charge with them: Man, woman, keep thy heart; take heed to thy spirit, Deu. 4:9. We must maintain a holy jealousy of ourselves, and set a strict guard, accordingly, upon all the avenues of the soul; keep our hearts from doing hurt and getting hurt, from being defiled by sin and disturbed by trouble; keep them as our jewel, as our vineyard; keep a conscience void of offense; keep out bad thoughts; keep up good thoughts; keep the affections upon right objects and in due bounds. Keep them with all keepings (so the word is); there are many ways of keeping things—by care, by strength, by calling in help, and we must use them all in keeping our hearts; and all little enough, so deceitful are they, Jer. 17:9. Or above all keepings; we must keep our hearts with more care and diligence than we keep any thing else. We must keep our eyes (Job 31:1), keep our tongues (Ps. 34:13), keep our feet (Eccl. 5:1), but, above all, keep our hearts. 2. A good reason given for this care, because out of it are the issues of life. Out of a heart well kept will flow living issues, good products, to the glory of God and the edification of others. Or, in general, all the actions of the life flow from the heart, and therefore keeping that is making the tree good and healing the springs. Our lives will be regular or irregular, comfortable or uncomfortable, according as our hearts are kept or neglected."
Meaning, guarding my heart has less to do with how I interact in relationships with men (though this is involved) but in how I behave overall. I should have an attitude that guards against evil...that does not allow myself to dwell on any sinful thing, but meditate on whatever is pure...
"Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, thing about these things. What you have learned and received and seen in me--practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."
--Philippians 4:8-9
1 comment:
Good talk!
Post a Comment