In Terms of the Past

I count nine stars in the night sky from my balcony tonight. I came outside to do some reading, but felt compelled to spend time in prayer instead. There's just something about those back lit palm trees that calm me down and get me thinking about life.

Amidst all the talk (well, reading at least) about what it means to a woman in Biblical terms, there was a nugget of truth that I'd like to stand by when it comes to how I define myself, not only as a woman, but in other ways in my life:

"If we define ourselves out of a reaction to bad experiences [like a precedent of male domination], we will be forever translating our pain in the past into new pain for ourselves and others in the present. We must define ourselves not by personal injury, not by fashionable hysteria, not even by personal variation and diversity, but by the suprapersonal pattern of sexual understanding taught here in Holy Scripture."

-Raymond C. Ortlund, Jr.

It's a particular challenge, but one worth striving for, to look into each new day as if the pain of the past has been erased. In terms of womanhood, this means I cannot look to the misinterpretations or misappropriations of Scripture to develop a reactionary stance of what I determine my purpose as a woman to be. Rather than come to my own conclusions then search around for Biblical support, it's important that I first seek what God's Word has to say, then build my life around that. In particular, one of my big questions has been whether or not my ideas of what it means to be a "helper" have developed out of application suggestions I've heard over the years that I canonized into my own laws of femininity. Have I confused scripturally mandated wifely duties (extreme examples being things like doing all the cleaning and cooking) with some person's thoughts on ways that a wife can show love and respect for a husband? If so, it's an important paradigm shift to make--obeying God's framework for femininity without allowing a legalistic set of rules to weigh me down. Freedom in the gospel.

In terms of everything else, I cannot be weighed down by mistakes, of either myself or others, or allow them to excuse certain behaviors. While it may be helpful for me to understand why I might have cultured certain tendencies due to upbringing or abuses, I cannot allow those things to hinder the way I behave today. Especially when it comes to sin, if I have repented and asked for forgiveness, I should act in light of a debt paid. And for those I've forgiven for sins against me, I must not hold a grudge. Dwelling on the past in this way encourages a defeatist mentality, one that belittles the power of God to transform lives and work in our weakness.

I think I'd be better off each day if I spend a few minutes the night before, clearing my head into the night sky out above the back alley of my building. It's a good time to process through the mistakes of the day, to reflect on God's victories, exhale the bad, and to meditate on what is true. Where I have failed, the gospel reminds me that I am forgiven. When I am tempted to despair, it is God to whom I look for my definition and worth.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases,
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul,
'therefore I will hope in him.'"

-Lamentations 3:22-24