I was introduced to a stellar book last night that has provided me with some great encouragement throughout my day: Jesus Freaks. It's a compilation by (you guessed it) DC Talk that gives stories of martyrs of the faith. I think it would be great for a bedtime story or something to read over coffee every morning. Each of the vignettes offers an encouraging story of a person who loved God enough to withstand trials of those persecuting them. It's a good reminder that this sort of thing is happening the world over...even this very minute. The introduction explains:
"The purpose of this book is not to try to explain away the deaths of the martyrs, but to honor their conviction, commitment, and faith - and to build yours. Each of us must follow Jesus for ourselves. You may never have to face the decision of whether or not to die for your faith, but every day you face the decision of whether or not you will live for it."
I'm just a few pages in, but wanted to share with you a part of one of the stories that particularly touched me. Ivan, a soldier in the USSR in the 1970s was asked to renounce his faith. The military found his Christianity to be a discipline problem and wanted to "re-educate" him in the ways of the Communist party. In order to persuade him to deny Christ, he was asked to stand outside in his summer uniform throughout the winter nights, where temperatures dropped to 13 degrees below freezing. Weeks went by like this and Ivan stood praying and singing praise to God, confident that an angel was with him to protect him from the cold. Eventually, he was stabbed, beaten and drowned and his body returned to his parents with the explanation, "He fought with death, but he died as a Christian." In a letter to his parents during this period of trial, Vanya wrote:
"...the Lord has showed the way to me...and I have decided to follow it... I will now have more severe and bigger battles than I have had till now. But I do not fear them. He goes before me. Do not grieve for me, my dear parents. It is because I love Jesus more than myself. I listen to Him, though my body does fear somewhat or does not wish to go through everything. I do this because I do not value my life as much as I value Him. And I will not await my own will, but I will follow as the Lord leads. He says, Go, and I go."
In the midst of trial, I want these words to be my words.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
The Taming of the Shrew
There's nothing like unemployment to allow for endless introspection.
While reorganizing files on my computer the other day, I read all of 2008 here on Esther. I save all of my blog posts on my computer for posterity's sake (because I don't really trust the internet and what if they all mysteriously disappeared online?), so while copying them into a document, I started reading a few things here and there, which turned into re-reading everything and reflecting on what God has done in the last year and a half of my life. Unlike my journals, which are filled with a lot of the complete garbage that comes from my gut reactions and unfiltered thinking*, most of what I'd written online were things I'd processed through a little more carefully, trying to look at situations from God's perspective and understand the theological implications of what was going on. Still, in re-reading myself, I noticed a distinctive brazen tone and snarky attitude in my writing. In some ways, I was impressed at how brash and honest I was able to be during that time - sharing very raw thoughts and emotions - but a part of me was also sad to see the sort of bitterness and frustration that my writing expressed. I almost deleted my blog entirely, wanting to start over on a new site, under a new pseudonym, now that I feel like I'm in such a different place.
I wondered how many more times in my life I was going to think that.
Seeing my "old" self in light of who I am today reminded me of a conversation I had with my cousin Mark earlier in the year. I was gushing - like actually, for real gushing about how swell I think my boyfriend is (I know, me...gushing...), and he said something to the effect of, "it's good to see that you're starting to come around." [Come around from what?] "...you know...you used to be so man-hating." Me? Man-hating!? I couldn't believe he'd said that.
But it's all very clearly communicated in my writing - not that I necessarily hated men during 2008, but by saying things like "I'm not sure if I believe in love" and discussing my frustrations with the culture of dating and relationships, I can see how people read that. Rather, I can see how my blunt discussions of dating and love revealed deeply seated heart-issues; I feared and idolized men, and I harbored a lot of hurt and resentment.
In a way, I think the relationship I'm in now has been a sort of taming of the shrew. Like Kate, I was sharp-tongued and quick tempered, at times even spurning the idea of marriage and family - hoping to quelch the longing for marriage that God had put in me because it wasn't convenient to desire a family and have none. Somewhere around June, I started to realize just how much I had changed and began praying for God to soften my heart. I felt that I was becoming maybe...oh...just...well, kind of...I mean...a little bit...uh...bitter...
I was Kate. But my Petruchio in this case was not a man. Hearing my prayers, it has been God working in my heart to massage it back into flesh. He has so graciously used my current relationship to bring to light many ways in which I had grown cold and afraid, ways in which I was looking for someone else to fulfill me and had not been trusting God to care for my heart. Not that I have by any means conquered these struggles, but I praise God that He keeps working in me each day to make me more like Jesus and less like the shrew I see riddled throughout my writing.
For this reason, I'm going to keep Esther as she is - because the very same writing that brings me to deep sadness over the idolatry in my life, also brings great joy. In exposing my sin and weakness, God is all the more glorious - because He knew (and knows) every desire in my heart and yet still loves me and forgives me for ALL of that sin.
"On Monday, I watched the last sun of 2007 set over the ocean. Being on the West Coast, where the day ends and the sun dies, I feel my age all the more. 2008 starts to settle in my bones as I wonder if the year ahead could possibly bring as much change as the one preceding it...I am constantly amazed when I think back over the years gone by. On the cusp of yet another, I am easily nostalgic and perhaps equally hopeful as I look to what '08 has in store--the course my life will take and the ways it will change me forever."
_____
*Aside - There is great worth to reading over my journals because they reveal the rawness of unedited sin. I haven't decided yet if I am going to do the "great marriage purge" and throw out my old life whenever I make that transition - surely it would be embarrassing if my husband or children ever read about all of the flagrant idols I pursued, but in some ways, it is just another testament to God's work in my life.
While reorganizing files on my computer the other day, I read all of 2008 here on Esther. I save all of my blog posts on my computer for posterity's sake (because I don't really trust the internet and what if they all mysteriously disappeared online?), so while copying them into a document, I started reading a few things here and there, which turned into re-reading everything and reflecting on what God has done in the last year and a half of my life. Unlike my journals, which are filled with a lot of the complete garbage that comes from my gut reactions and unfiltered thinking*, most of what I'd written online were things I'd processed through a little more carefully, trying to look at situations from God's perspective and understand the theological implications of what was going on. Still, in re-reading myself, I noticed a distinctive brazen tone and snarky attitude in my writing. In some ways, I was impressed at how brash and honest I was able to be during that time - sharing very raw thoughts and emotions - but a part of me was also sad to see the sort of bitterness and frustration that my writing expressed. I almost deleted my blog entirely, wanting to start over on a new site, under a new pseudonym, now that I feel like I'm in such a different place.
I wondered how many more times in my life I was going to think that.
Seeing my "old" self in light of who I am today reminded me of a conversation I had with my cousin Mark earlier in the year. I was gushing - like actually, for real gushing about how swell I think my boyfriend is (I know, me...gushing...), and he said something to the effect of, "it's good to see that you're starting to come around." [Come around from what?] "...you know...you used to be so man-hating." Me? Man-hating!? I couldn't believe he'd said that.
But it's all very clearly communicated in my writing - not that I necessarily hated men during 2008, but by saying things like "I'm not sure if I believe in love" and discussing my frustrations with the culture of dating and relationships, I can see how people read that. Rather, I can see how my blunt discussions of dating and love revealed deeply seated heart-issues; I feared and idolized men, and I harbored a lot of hurt and resentment.
In a way, I think the relationship I'm in now has been a sort of taming of the shrew. Like Kate, I was sharp-tongued and quick tempered, at times even spurning the idea of marriage and family - hoping to quelch the longing for marriage that God had put in me because it wasn't convenient to desire a family and have none. Somewhere around June, I started to realize just how much I had changed and began praying for God to soften my heart. I felt that I was becoming maybe...oh...just...well, kind of...I mean...a little bit...uh...bitter...
I was Kate. But my Petruchio in this case was not a man. Hearing my prayers, it has been God working in my heart to massage it back into flesh. He has so graciously used my current relationship to bring to light many ways in which I had grown cold and afraid, ways in which I was looking for someone else to fulfill me and had not been trusting God to care for my heart. Not that I have by any means conquered these struggles, but I praise God that He keeps working in me each day to make me more like Jesus and less like the shrew I see riddled throughout my writing.
For this reason, I'm going to keep Esther as she is - because the very same writing that brings me to deep sadness over the idolatry in my life, also brings great joy. In exposing my sin and weakness, God is all the more glorious - because He knew (and knows) every desire in my heart and yet still loves me and forgives me for ALL of that sin.
"On Monday, I watched the last sun of 2007 set over the ocean. Being on the West Coast, where the day ends and the sun dies, I feel my age all the more. 2008 starts to settle in my bones as I wonder if the year ahead could possibly bring as much change as the one preceding it...I am constantly amazed when I think back over the years gone by. On the cusp of yet another, I am easily nostalgic and perhaps equally hopeful as I look to what '08 has in store--the course my life will take and the ways it will change me forever."
- January 2, 2008
_____
*Aside - There is great worth to reading over my journals because they reveal the rawness of unedited sin. I haven't decided yet if I am going to do the "great marriage purge" and throw out my old life whenever I make that transition - surely it would be embarrassing if my husband or children ever read about all of the flagrant idols I pursued, but in some ways, it is just another testament to God's work in my life.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Joyfully Unemployed
Many of you know by now that through God-orchestrated circumstances, I was given the opportunity to leave my job and seek employment elsewhere. Though an apparently foolish career move in the eyes of this world (who quits a job in this economy without having something else lined up?), the situation presented itself as a floodlight on the narrow gate. God asked me to swallow the lump in my throat and charge through it. Leap and He'd catch me. So I did.
Now comes the doldrums of it all - struggling with the temptation to laziness or doubt. There's only a couple of hours worth of job searching that can be done each day, which leaves approximately 22 other hours to fill. Tempting to fear that I made the wrong move and what if God doesn't pull through? Tempting to do a lot of napping, internet browsing, and other senseless time-burning exercises. But I know that each day, each hour is a gift from the Lord, intended to be spent well on things that build His kingdom. No one burns good gifts like that.
This morning I was skimming back over some posts from earlier this summer, pleas for God to use me in in ways less corporate, that don't involve ladders and numbers and all things business. I wanted time for ministry and to use my gifts to help people. I felt trapped in a job that wanted me to "go somewhere" and "make something of myself" when God was telling me that I already had everything I needed for life and godliness. What a blessing to be reminded of God's faithfulness and wisdom in guiding my steps - to remember that my wonderful God gives good gifts to his children and works all things for good.
And so, because of the gospel, because Christ died to pay the penalty of my sins, I can rest in my relationship with God, who is now my Father, and trust that he will take care of money and the logistics of finding me a new job. In this phase of unemployment, I can seek ways to use my gifts and free time to bless others. And what a blessing - what a joy - to be free of previous restraints and to look forward to new responsibilities and new adventures that God has for me to pursue.
Now comes the doldrums of it all - struggling with the temptation to laziness or doubt. There's only a couple of hours worth of job searching that can be done each day, which leaves approximately 22 other hours to fill. Tempting to fear that I made the wrong move and what if God doesn't pull through? Tempting to do a lot of napping, internet browsing, and other senseless time-burning exercises. But I know that each day, each hour is a gift from the Lord, intended to be spent well on things that build His kingdom. No one burns good gifts like that.
This morning I was skimming back over some posts from earlier this summer, pleas for God to use me in in ways less corporate, that don't involve ladders and numbers and all things business. I wanted time for ministry and to use my gifts to help people. I felt trapped in a job that wanted me to "go somewhere" and "make something of myself" when God was telling me that I already had everything I needed for life and godliness. What a blessing to be reminded of God's faithfulness and wisdom in guiding my steps - to remember that my wonderful God gives good gifts to his children and works all things for good.
And so, because of the gospel, because Christ died to pay the penalty of my sins, I can rest in my relationship with God, who is now my Father, and trust that he will take care of money and the logistics of finding me a new job. In this phase of unemployment, I can seek ways to use my gifts and free time to bless others. And what a blessing - what a joy - to be free of previous restraints and to look forward to new responsibilities and new adventures that God has for me to pursue.
Student Quotes of the Day, Part 2
The 2nd and final (see following post) set of quotes from my students...
Brian: "Dude...I'm so buff, my elbows don't touch."
Brian: "Dude...I'm so buff, my elbows don't touch."
Denny: “It’s like my head it stuck between a rock and a hard place. Except it’s just two rocks.
Denny: “Why do you carry a Bible around? I mean I would understand if it was Harry Potter…”
Denny: [discussing his theory on making good grades] "The difference between an A and a B is a present."
[discussing wedding registries]
Me: “I got
Denny: “Dominoes? Who plays dominoes? I’d just play cards.”
Me: “Well then when you get married I’ll buy you a stack of cards.”
Denny: [offended, indignant] “Cards? Geez…I’d buy you an expensive bottle of wine!”
Lillian: [to Matt]: “Teacher, I don’t get you sometimes.”
Sonia Teacher: “Oh Denny, I’m only joking…”
Denny: “Well you aren’t funny. If you’re going to tell a joke, it should at least be funny.”
Denny: “Those librarians are sneaky!”
Meredith Teacher assigns fierce homework load involving a Roald Dahl story…
Shawn: “Aww….teacher I hate you…”
Meredith: “I’m ok with that.” [Walks out.]
Esther: “I am an athlete-student. And not the other way around.”
ESL student: “I don’t like Fall too because it’s gets cold and there are a lot of rain and my mom and I promised that I will do all the dishes for one week in the Fall and that’s why I don’t like…Fall.”
Sonia Teacher: “Viscous – do you know what that means?”
Esther: “Strait.”
Sonia: “No”
Esther: “Not kinky?”
Sonia: “Uh…no…”
Esther: “It sounds like it would be something dangerous. Like vicious.”
Matt Teacher: “[Meredith Teacher] already has a man. And he’s quite a man. The word ‘hunk’ comes to mind.”
...this involved me blushing and leaving the room.
Denny: “Oh gosh! I don’t want to watch white people dance!”
John: “When I was putting the sugar in my tea I fell asleep again and my hand fell in my tea and stayed there for a while…”
Sean: “I feel your pain. Actually, no I don’t. I’m just saying it ‘cause it sounds cool.”
Shawn: Are you a couple?
Meredith: Do you mean…am I in a couple? Or part of a couple…?
Shawn: Right.
Meredith: Yes.
Shawn: Aww – you have a boyfriend! That’s cute. What does he look like?
Julie: “I saw him! He’s tall.”
Shawn: “Is he ripped?”
Edward: “Is he white?”
Julie: “…and he’s blonde.”
Sean: “Does he have a tattoo of your face on his shoulder?!?”
...um, no. Thankfully.
Dennis: [learning that I’m leaving in a week] “We should start a boycott! …Or have a party. Your choice.”
Sean: [handing me a bar of soap] “Matt Teacher told me to give you this and tell you that I don’t know why it was in my pocket and it’s distracting the class.”
Esther: [regarding my leaving] “This is horrible. I’m gonna go home and freaking weep!”
Esther: “You don’t need one man. You could have a team!”
...that was a fun one to respond to.
Eunice: “Are you really leaving?”
Me: “Yes…weird huh?”
Eunice: “Why?”
- I explain -
Eunice: [not satisfied] “Teacher…is it really because you’re getting married…?”
...she wasn't the only one who thought that the only reason I could possibly leave Prep
was if I were getting married.
Wednesday, August 05, 2009
Christian One-Liners
Got these in an email from my mom. Some are a smidge sacrilegious, some quite amusing. We have such a strange and funny culture...
"Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case."
"Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers."
"The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close."
"Don't let your worries get the best of you. Remember, Moses started out as a basket case."
"Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers."
"The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close."
...for our sanctification, for establishing an ordered creation, to teach us patience, etc, etc.
"Opportunity may knock once, but temptation bangs on the front door forever."
"Quit griping about your church. If it was perfect, you couldn't belong"
"Quit griping about your church. If it was perfect, you couldn't belong"
...we should really use the word "gripe" more often. I find it a rather fittingly negative term.
"If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has."
"Some minds are like concrete - thoroughly mixed up and permanently set."
"Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em."
"Some minds are like concrete - thoroughly mixed up and permanently set."
"Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em."
...rather, He does all the work, and you show up dressed in fishing gear with your net.
"Forbidden fruits create many jams."
What did one strawberry say to the other strawberry?
If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!
-courtesy of Monzie Pasos
If you weren't so fresh, we wouldn't be in this jam!!
-courtesy of Monzie Pasos
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