Sorry to disappoint all of yall who have been waiting for my further thoughts on Sunday, but I really haven't had everything together this week like I had hoped. It figures, of course, that any time I start to think that life might slow down just long enough for me to catch my breath and catch up on a little blog-musing, I get slammed again. I shouldn't be surprised. I signed up for all of this--my school workload, my work workload...my other work's workload...
To finish up my sermon thoughts, I wanted to mention a couple of the other ideas we threw around on Monday night: how people often get apathetic about Jesus because he's not personal to them and my personal soapbox of late about how pathetically selfish I am--a revelation I really should have had a long time ago. Brian and Scott keep talking about how nothing is about us...it's about God. And I swear I'm listening and I think I'm applying all this stuff till I look up again and realize how far away I am from where I want to be. I want to be the kind of person who is never depressed because I am too focused on the blessings I have and how I can bless others. I want to be so overjoyed by others' success that I forget my own. It's funny how the basics are so simple...yet so frustratingly elusive. When it's been a week since I really sat down with God to read His word, I can't seem to understand why I've "lost" that passion to do so. Just the other day I spent an hour-ish in one of our campus cafes listening to worship music and writing out my prayers. As I glance over the words on those pages, why is it that they seem kind of foreign this morning? Maybe today is one of my more Israelite-esque moments. Last week I watched with awe as God brought me through sea after sea on dry ground...and today I'm packing up manna like it's my job--bread that I know is going to rot by tomorrow. I don't know if I'll ever remain permanently in the "personal" state with Jesus because I keep slipping back into apathy.
Ironically, though, I am also currently in this bizarre state of restlessness, and I hope it's not because of this that I seem to have hit on what I want to do next September when I am finished with school. I got this seemingly brilliant plan on Monday during my German class for how to get myself into the country, where I can be closer to my friends from Sprachcamp. I've played around with the idea of moving over there after graduation but was unsure how I would be able to get a job with barely conversational German skills. Then I realized that if I moved there as an au pair (live-in nanny), then not only would I be in the country, but I would get to play house-mom while I'm at it. What could be more perfect for me? I registered myself that night on a myspace-like website where families and potential au pairs can search each other's profiles and arrange details for a work contract. I want to do something crazy and I want to change the world and I want monumental adventures. So it seemed like a good idea at the time...
I want so badly to know deeply and shine brightly how personal and passionate Jesus is within me. I wish life always looked like seas parting, but I know somewhere in the back of my mind that waiting on new bread each morning is an equally great miracle.
Lord, au pair or not, teach me to delight in Your daily blessings, wait patiently on Your timing, and see each moment as the great adventure it is.
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3 comments:
OMGosh. so. we're going through 1 Peter in my bibble study and it was the 'be holy as i am holy' verse (chapter 1... we go slowly and i like that) and you know holy means separated for a purpose. which i like b/c people are like, "be holy" and i'm like, "i could... brush my teeth 3 times a day?" i don't know how to go about it.
but anyhow. separated. for a purpose. i was thinking, we are all holy in different ways!! i mean some of the same ways like glorifying god, there are commonalities. but like i am holy in a different way that you are holy (different manifestations at least) and i LOVED IT. i was like, "you guys i hope this is theologically sound... but i am loving this! i am holy-ly different from you all!"
reading your post made me think of that. and now i will share it with you. i like knowing god has a special way i am holy it's not like a factory where lindy goes in and mandy moore from 'saved!' comes out or something... *shudder*
p.s. i had many au pairs growing up, most of them were british. you would be an AWESOME au pair i think! just learn how to drive in germany... mwahahaha
Hi Mere . . . I enjoyed your post! It truly isn't about us. So ... in being connected to the Vine and seeking to know Him, I'm confident you'll continue making amazingly wise choices as you look to your future one day at a time. Ref. Luke 12:22-34
Goldberg
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