Many of you know that my cousin, Mark, is over in Iraq right now, fighting the 120 degree weather (often without AC), restlessness, and low morale...among other things. Every now and then, he sends out an email update with cool stories about what they've been doing. However, this week, his story involved less gunfire and more hilarity, hence, I feel like I should share it with my little blog world. Without his permission. What are obnoxious little cousins for?
For those of you who know me best, this will serve as yet another classic “first impression Mark” story. So I have been dealing with an ingrown toenail for the past week, and I finally decided to go to the medics to get it taken care of since my self aid failed at repairing the problem. So I went there and while I was waiting, a cute nurse walks out from the back and did an honest-to-goodness double-take when she saw me sitting on the couch. I tried to act cool and unaffected, but I totally noticed and I tried not to laugh or let her know that I caught her even though we were both looking at each other. When I finally got called up, she walked up to the guy that called me and insisted on helping him out with me. For those of you who know my history with needles, you will understand why this didn’t make me feel good since I knew she was about to witness my “kryptonite” firsthand. Sure enough, during the patient Q&A with the guy and her taking my vitals, they asked me to rate the pain on a scale of 1-10, and I answered with a 7. She asked if I was going to cry, and I told her, “not yet, but maybe when you break out that needle.” Then I went into my history with needles and told her that there was a good chance that I would pass out and that there was no way I would not be watching this operation. She seemed like it wasn’t a big deal, but it didn’t help me feel “cool” or tough anymore, especially since I have a legitimately cool job that I had worked into the conversation (and she had already seen my painted weapon, which always draws attention).
So I laid back on the table they put me up on (in anticipation of what would most likely happen once they started operating) and the doctor then asked if I was going to pass out, and I told him that there was a good chance. So he asked for the iodine or whatever they wave under one’s nose when they pass out. So this procedure calls for a “digital block” which consists of 4 needles to numb the toe. My buddy, Gibson, told me he had this done back in April, and he had told them to stop after the 2nd needle b/c it hurt so badly, so I had that in the back of my mind walking in. So they start sticking me and the pain is WAY up there on the scale. I start breathing fast and long story short, they had to stop after the first 3 to give me a break, b/c I started hyperventilating and the doctor had to get an oxygen mask to put over my mouth since my rapid breathing caused a CO2 buildup which resulted in the muscles in my arms, mouth, and tongue to spasm and contract, preventing me from controlling them as well as an additional load of lots of pain and inability to speak (I had to resort to mumbling and head nods from there on). Oh yea, and I don’t think I ever actually passed out, but the doctor did remove the oxygen mask several times to wave the whatever under my nose and coach me on taking deep breaths. So after some deep breaths, they proceeded with the 4th, and what was supposed to be the final, needle. After which, they asked if I could feel them applying pressure and I still could! So another doctor offered me her hand to grab onto saying that I would need to squeeze her hand b/c the next needle was going to be “a big one.” As soon as they stuck this 5th, HUGE needle directly into the top of my toe, I remember thinking that I wanted to break every finger in this lady’s hand as some measure of retribution for having a hand in all this pain. I guess I wasn’t squeezing as hard as I thought I was (since I really couldn’t control my hands at that point), b/c she didn’t even make a sound or tell me to let up, so I guess that was a good thing. At one point, that doctor even brought over the cute nurse to feel my arms since she was new and wanted to feel what a “normal” spasm, as a result of hyperventilating, felt like. You can imagine my excitement at realizing I had become a medical prop for this cute nurse that I have already lost major cool points on, but what could I do?
Finally the procedure was over, and when I regained control of my hands I tried to sit up, but had to lie back down since I started feeling woozy. When I sat back up again, the guy who originally called me back and was questioning me said, “man that was awesome, you turned totally pale and hyperventilated.” And then the cute nurse chimed in that I “really took it like a champ and didn’t even pass out.” My response to both was that it was the complete OPPOSITE of awesome and not fun. The cutie just smiled at me while I shook my head in shame at her. I can only imagine what she was thinking after all this. I didn’t end up saying anything to her after that, b/c I couldn’t really think of anything good to say nor could I figure out how I would even see her again unless, I feigned illness so I could go back. However, she happens to work in a medical tent that is different from the one I am supposed to receive treatment in so even that probably wouldn’t work. So yea, I came up empty handed on this one, but after the guy gave me some Tylenol for the pain, he said I would probably be back later for something stronger once the numbing meds wore off, and I figured if I saw her again at that time and she had a favorable reaction, then I would say something. However, when I did end up going back later, she wasn’t there so no dice.
Ahh Markle Sparkle...how I love you!
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