New Career

For all of you who were wondering what I've been doing with my life, I may have found my calling. This weekend, I dressed up as Princess Aurora for a little girl's fifth birthday party. There were balloon animals, face painting, duck-duck-goose, and a pinata involved. Who knew that I could make a career of living my childhood dream? Essentially, to steal Kirstin's phrase, I am a glorified clown. But soon my position may include some costume work and writing for murder mystery dinner theatre. So I may spend the next years of my life getting paid to play dress up. Ahh what a world...

Pictured here with me is my roommate and new boss, Kirstin. And no, that's not my real hair. Or hers.

Settling, Settling Down, and Feeling Unsettled

I'm feeling unsettled.

And it's only because I'm obnoxiously girly and I think too much and all of these things. But on the off chance that other people agree and think they are the only one...or that someone might learn something new about the way girls (read: I) think...here goes.

We got into a discussion tonight about dating. A question posed, what should we (the church) cover in a series on love and intimacy? Which turned into a whole gamut of weird topics and answers, but the one that really got me--that I couldn't shake during the drive home from Santa Monica--was the idea of settling. We seemed to agree that one of the biggest problems is how to actually pick someone. How do you know if this is in fact "the one" you are supposed to be with? Are we waiting for a beam of light or electric shock or what?

Really, this may be a more difficult problem for guys. I promise I'm not going to go anti-boy here. If anything, I know very well that women in the church have a lot of growing to do if we want to live the way that the Bible says we were created to, so I have no right to bash on guys for "not stepping up." The poor things have been told all sorts of mixed messages and are now afraid to even open a door for a woman--for fear that she'll go all feminazi, accusing them of implying that she's weak. I am not surprised that men in the church have trouble with what the world tells them about their "place," because women are having the same problem. Still, since they have a more "active" role in dating, from a Biblical standpoint, guys often run into more pressure to "just pick one." Of course, no one wants to botch something like marriage, because, well...it's rather permanent, so it's understandable that they have a certain amount of hesitation--especially since marriage may be one of the most life changing decisions you ever make. No pressure. There may always be that little voice at the back of your head asking, "Is she it? Or did I settle?" The million dollar word: settle. Now, don't get me wrong--girls will ask the same question--and in both cases, the thought that your spouse feels like they were settling would be heartbreaking. Which to me is, well...unsettling.

To think--that someone would look at me and say, "she loves God, she'll do." And that would be a settlement? Because if the God-thing is in line, then that only means that there's something personally wrong with me. Like--I'm not pretty enough or skinny or smart or whatever enough. Or maybe I'm enough of those things, but not Godly enough. Always not something enough.

But let's be honest--who is?? No one is going to be everything enough if your standard is perfection. (Which is what we are striving to be, perfect as Christ is perfect) So in a sense, won't we all settle? And if so, then "settling down" is exactly what it sounds like: settling. Not to be the mushy type, but this is not the stuff that great wedding vows are made of. What happened to just liking someone? Attraction? Compatibility?

A friend once asked what it would take to score a date with me:

"Hi. I love Jesus. Wanna grab coffee?"

This really shouldn't be so hard. And I know that it's not a simple formula like I want it to be. Which is probably why I hate talking about it...because I get all soapboxey and feel the need to stay up to ungodly hours blogging about what I think so that everyone can hear about it.

Old People

I am happy with how I was raised. I love being Southern and all those old-fashioned habits that come along with it. I love that God made me the way I am--to look this way, and think and feel and want the things I do. Granted, I've got my issues, but on the whole, God has blessed me, and I have no reason to complain.

But if you don't mind, I have a few words...

See, I was raised to respect my elders, knowing that since they have lived more life, they have a lot of wisdom to impart to us young uns. Every now and then, I enjoy taking some time to listen to people--especially random ones I meet at the Goodwill or Big Lots in Crenshaw. Not only is it usually interesting, but it provides a good dose of humility since they usually assume that you are kind of stupid and they have all sorts of things to tell you that they are sure you've never heard before. Most of my experience with this has been a few off-hand comments out here--like the time I was buying binders for Bible study and a nice old man told me about how he used to be involved in inner-city missions. Or the times I sit down with Great Aunts and hear stories of when they were a kid.

But today, instead of humility, I got a nice dose of eating-disorder-motivation from a not-so-nice man at this auction store where I was looking for a cabinet. I don't know if it's just old people now-a-days or old people in LA or just a fluke incident, but this guy started talking to me (there were lots of people around and a safe distance between us, so don't stress Dad), asking if I was looking for furniture to fix up a new home. No, I said, I'm a student, and we got to talking about what I'm learning and where I go. As soon as he hears that I'm studying theatre, he of course assumes that I'm hoping to be an actor because why would you ever study theatre unless you wanted to be in movies? (don't get me started...) I shrug because I don't want to explain to him my whole spiel about wanting a family and being involved in the church, and he proceeds to give me advice about how I can become a success. "You gotta go after it" and all those nice things, so he asks me what exactly I am doing now and what I want to do as soon as I'm done and is horrified that I don't know. "You gotta know what you're going to do. Partial motivations get you part-time jobs."

Ok ok...now I'm just being polite and looking for an out in the conversation, when I make mention that the most important thing for me is to have a family. Usually this is a great kicker with old people--"oh how sweet." and "family is so important" and all these things, but he proceeds to tell me that this is a bad idea because "if you're going to swim across the ocean, you can't take your family with you--you have to go by yourself and make arrangements for them after the fact."

Interesting analogy. *Swallows grain of salt.* Thank you, sir. May I have another?

"Well you want a family...do you have a boyfriend?" Every single gal's favorite question.

"No sir."

His eyes roll and he tells me about how I shouldn't wait for someone else to make decisions about my life--that I have to go where I'm going and if some guy wants to come along, he can join me, but I'm not going to put anything on hold. He refers back to the whole "can't have a career and be a 'mommy'" idea. He keeps using the word, "Mommy" like it's some sort of disease. The way he says it makes it sound like the woman's equivalent to "spic" or "nigger."

"Some guy's gonna come along and say, 'I love you. Let's have sex.' And then *insert onomatopoeia term for the swelling of the stomach and the corresponding hand-guestures* you're pregnant."

*Mere reaches for the entire salt-shaker* This is when I realize that this conversation is going no where but hell in a hand basket, and I try to find a nice break in which I can excuse myself. In flies the kicker of all kickers:

"I can tell by looking at you that you don't work out." Earlier, it was just "You're no Marylin." Now it's, "You're too soft. I can tell you don't have any kind of work out plan. You should be able to show me 1-2-3-4-5-6 abs, but you cant. You've seen those women on the TV. You gotta look like that, you gotta get a work-out plan and you can't look like you do because you're too soft, you're too sweet..."

He continues. I desperately search for my happy place. Soon, I'm able to leave, but not before he asks if I'd like to come visit him for advice more often. He's shocked that I decline, and I leave with some sort of, "it was nice to talk, er, listen to what you had to say" line. Not the sweetest sign-off, but it was the best I could do.

Old people...

Ok, so all joking (read: freaking out) aside, it was a real, solid dose of what this world finds important and a reminder of the kind of mentality that I will probably always have to fight, especially if I stay in LA.

Sex in the Christian Community

It's odd that this topic is surfacing in so many facets of my life, but in light of today's sermon, and because this paper turned into my baby, I'm going to play the proud parent and show her off. How I managed to weasel myself into this type of topic for a paper in Writing 340 (the second required writing class for all SCers), we may never know. But I think you'll be glad I did. If you get a chance, check out some of the Works Cited references...I can't even tell you how hilarious it was to do "research" for this one...

A final note: we were supposed to write the article as a submission to the LA Times and focus it as a cultural analysis, not criticism; although, my own opinions about the topic do come out fairly clearly. While I know that there are a lot of ways that the Church has improved in how we think about these things, I feel as though the root of the problem can be hit at when we examine why it is we construct sin in the way we do and how life gets distorted when we focus on the rules and not God.

Ok that's all I'll say for now. Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Despite the Subject Matter, This Article Received a PG Rating

(The stage lights come up on MONIKA, emerging from her bed with disheveled hair wearing a man’s white collared shirt, a shirt that belongs to her husband MARK, who remains in the bed, but calls out to her.)

MARK

Honey? Is everything ok...?

MONIKA

Yeah...fine, fine...

(MONIKA shuts the bathroom door and we see her wildly raving about—as quietly as possible—with clenched fists and teeth. Her whisper is angry.)

God—this is really irritating! Like honestly—honestly? Mark and I did what you said and we waited till marriage...and not only is sex not all it’s cracked up to be...it’s frankly...I can’t do this... Oh geez...this sucks. It sucks! It sucks!

(MONIKA sighs and looks at herself in the mirror. The questions that so many Christians are afraid to breathe escape her lips.)

What am I doing wrong? How have I sinned? God—I thought that if I obeyed...?

The lights darken on stage and rise in the house, illuminating the audience who must now deal with their own, exposed demons. In the dark, viewers watch their problems portrayed by someone else. In the dark, there is comfort. But, for those willing to face their truth, catharsis comes, and along with it, a sense of emotional rebirth. A cheap therapy session from the comfort of Row F, Seat 14. Almost anyone with the organs to do it finds sex to be both powerful and frustrating, satisfying and awkward. Those within a Bible-following community tend to associate the sexual act with evil, and many churches focus intently on preventing their young people from having sex before marriage, as they believe the Bible to encourage. This results in an unusual phenomenon: sex has become socially constructed as both a holy act within the confines of marriage and a dirty sin in any other situation.

In an essay on Einstein’s brain, cultural critic Roland Barthes argues that people find a sense of security and comfort through contradiction. Namely, he argues that Einstein, a great mathematician, is remembered as nearly mythic in his ability to conjure key scientific formulas. So by describing Einstein as both “eternal researcher and unfulfilled discoverer,” people find comfort knowing that such a powerful brain has faults and limits (Barthes 70). In the same vein, the Christian community finds comfort in casting sex in these contradicting lights. Unlike Barthes’ argument, though, it is not the contradiction itself that provides comfort for the Christian community but their ability to solidify the parameters of sin through this contradiction. In explaining what aspects of sex are sinful, a heightened sense of good-versus-evil provides a stronger deterrent from participating in anything “wrong.” For this reason, Christians demonize sexual promiscuity in order to abstain from it. Often rigid moralists, Christians represent sex as both sinful and holy in order to clarify for themselves a set of rules by which to live, a proverbial litmus test of their righteousness. After all, such definite parameters are necessary to provide an objective judgment. Essentially, the Christian community finds comfort in their constructed, legalistic views.

The most helpful way to begin a discussion of sex is to first look at how Christian scholars describe the purpose and plan for sex. From the highest Catholic authority, the Vatican, sex is represented as part of the holy Sacrament of Marriage, created for the purpose of reproduction (365-366). Others within the Christian community, who see sex as an act of unification between a husband and a wife, recognize the pleasure associated with sex to be part of God’s plan as well. That being said, Christians encourage “purity [in contrast to] a sinful and wicked world” (“Bible Answers”), which means that not only is sex reserved for marriage, but some argue that there are certain “perversions” of it that are not permissible. Christians look to the Psalms, Song of Solomon, and much the New Testament for the basis of defining sexual immorality. Because the Church’s highest credence is to its Scriptures, this seems the most logical place for religious leaders to find support for defining the appropriate parameters of sex.

Many people, however, desire further analytical rationale to motivate themselves to obey such laws, finding a rule’s existence within the Bible not sufficient reason to obey it. In the case of avoiding sexual sin, Christians struggle to reconcile their beliefs with the desires pulsing, pun intended, through their veins. Describing sex as a “ride toward a deadly waterfall” (James), Christian magazines, like Campus Life, feature stories from teens and young adults that discuss their sexual frustrations, with the intent of reminding singles that they are not alone in their struggles. In one such article, the writer describes his battle with lust, pornography, and masturbation. After confiding in a group of guys, he “discovered they were a lot like [him]: feeling guilty about lust, yet unable to gain control over it” (Allen). Besides being different than their peers, Christian teens must fight their own internal desires. Taking a vow of abstinence does not exempt them from the feelings of a normal young person. Like alcoholics, Christians ban together to support each other’s decision to stay clean. In another piece from Campus Life, a girl who chose to remain nameless describes her addiction to masturbation. Embarrassed to discuss the issue with her friends, since lust is often perceived as a male issue, she turns to the Bible for guidance. Dismayed, she relates, “I couldn't find the word ‘masturbation’ anywhere. A good ‘you may’ or ‘thou shalt not’ from God would have been really helpful” (Thompson). Frustrating for many Christians, the Bible does not always explicitly address specific issues. It cannot give advice for where to attend college, nor does it explain what kind of social interaction will be appropriate in the year 2057. Those devoted to its study will discover that the Bible presents a way to filter such questions through a basic moral system. However, many Christians prefer to have their respected clergy explain Biblical ideas and are much more content to live by the set of rules defined for them.

In youth groups, sex is described as something to wait for. The recently popular “True Love Waits” movement encourages teens to take a vow of abstinence, suggesting that sex will be much better for those who have waited until marriage. Often, this abstinence propaganda is shockingly more dramatic about the potential consequences of sex:

Sex can make you feel like you’re experiencing true love. That makes a breakup very painful, which can lead to deep depression, hopelessness, and even suicide. And breaking up is only one cause of sex-related depression. The consequences of losing your virginity, getting AIDS, getting a VD, conceiving a baby outside of marriage, killing that baby, hurting your reputation, ruining someone else’s reputation, and disappointing those who trusted you can all lead to depression, and worse (“Awesome”).

Appeals such as this use strong language to make sex acts seem blatantly vile, generalizing them as “abuses,” saying that they “poison good character” (Appeal). In truth, these movements relate many valid points—unwanted children and disease are certainly negative potential consequences of sexual promiscuity; however, the wording that they use seems to suggest that regardless of the situation, sex will be horrifyingly destructive. Instead of relying on logical, educated, and Bible-based arguments, these abstinence proponents found their cause on scare tactics.*

Further argument suggests that “many problems in marriages today stem from the fact that they are not virgins when they marry” (“Bible Answers”) Attributing such consequences to sexual activity before marriage not only heightens the perceived penalty of sexual sin, but also furthers the gap between the contradicting views of sex as dirty versus sex as holy. Until marriage, Christians seem constantly bombarded with this negative view of sex, so it seems only natural that they will have difficulty in the transition. Once assured that they were practicing holiness by avoiding sex, singles eventually become newlywed couples and a paradigm shift must occur. Again, Christians must turn to their original definition of sexual relations—that sex is pure within the confines of marriage. Because of their previously negative view, many newlywed couples have difficulty making a mental switch between viewing their sexual feelings as something to be suppressed into something to be encouraged and enjoyed. Logic argues that sexual problems lead to avoiding the sexual act altogether, which often results in one or both partners seeking satisfaction elsewhere—either through an adulterous affair or pornography.

Only in recent years has there been a revolution in the openness with which the church will talk about sex. For many years, churches focused on demonizing sex before marriage as a way to widen the gap between what is deemed appropriate sexual activity and what is considered sin. In this way, the lay-Christian may more easily discern good from evil in order to follow God’s Law. Meanwhile, to address marital problems, Christian leaders now give more focus to the under-developed positive arguments for sex. Increasing conversation about healthy sex lives—still within the confines of marriage—helps to strengthen the “holy side” of the sexual contradiction. One of the forerunners of this new “sex craze,” Joe Beam, is a southern pastor who gives seminars on sexuality from a Biblical perspective. Answering questions ranging from whether oral sex and masturbation are permissible to explanation and physical demonstration on how to give a “blow job,” Beam hopes to encourage sexual freedom by sharing positive messages about sex from the point of view of a studied and trusted Christian authority, arguing for the existence of a “strong correlation between sexual satisfaction and marital satisfaction” (Holt). Calling sex “sacred,” Beam explains: “The church generally prefers not to talk about it. But that has a dual impact. It keeps it shrouded in ignorance and the implication is that since you are not talking about it, it’s bad” (Alexander).

Additionally, seeking counseling from Christian sex therapists has helped to foster a more comfortable outlook on sexuality within marriage. Established sex therapists, Clifford and Joyce Penner, explain that when a couple begins to have sexual problems, they often begin to question the relationship or their love for the other person. Understanding that many problems arise from “a plain failure of communication and intimacy” helps many Christians to renew, or ignite for the first time, their sex lives (Penner). Therapy helps to develop the other side of the sexual coin by identifying problems that can be linked to a negative view of sex. In discussing sexual abuse within marriage, Joyce Penner’s explanation provides an analogy for how perceptions can control cultural definitions: “An action can feel like abuse to the wife...His actions may constitute normal sexual behavior patterns, but because of her past abuse, what he's doing feels like abuse... [and] as long as she perceives what he's doing as abuse, it is abuse” (Penner). In this case, the pain experienced by the wife is genuinely hurtful, and she will only experience healing once she begins to view her husband’s advances with a positive perception of sexuality. In the same way, married Christians find sexual freedom once they begin to view sex as a Godly act.

Granted, demonizing sex in a general sense helps the Church prevent sexual promiscuity, but many fail to provide a positive, Scripturally-based explanation of why a single person should abstain from sex. Rather than present an appropriate outline for sexual behavior in simple terms, Christians prefer to exaggerate the difference between “good” and “bad” sex. While this diverges from a message of forgiveness through grace, legalistic boundaries seem safer to the church-goer, which is why Christians focus not on enjoying the intimacy and pleasure of sex but on ensuring that they are doing it right. As with other areas of potential sin, amplified differences between proper and improper behavior help Christians determine their actions. Before marriage, sex must be painted as dramatically evil to reinforce the motivation to avoid it, and after marriage, an equally heightened view of the goodness of sex helps couples hop to the other side of the sexual fence.

*Footnote: The volume of available information touting reasons to abstain from sex was frightening, and while, to focus the paper, I felt no need to include further proof of such scare tactics, the quotations were nonetheless interesting:

“Fornication is not just tolerated in our society but is actually being encouraged. The sin of fornication is being committed even among Christians, as many couples "live together" and have sex before marriage” (“Bible Answers”).

“Promiscuous kids constantly try to drag down students who haven't yet been corrupted by the sin of fornication. The so-called "health centers" practically throw birth control devices at students. Then there are all the parties, with free-flowing booze and drugs” (Appeal).

“Just think of all the lives that will be ruined and the unborn babies who will be slaughtered unless we take action right away to prevent it” (Appeal).

“One of the most heartbreaking stories is "How Men Feel After Abortion" by Steve Arterburn. It took heroic courage for Steve to write this. He reveals that his guilt over paying an abortionist to kill his own child ‘resulted in 80 ulcers eating at my stomach, intestines, and colon.’ The Lord healed him physically and spiritually after he repented” (Appeal).

Works Cited

Alexander, Brian. “America Unzipped” Segment. “One preacher's message: Have hotter sex: Minister Joe Beam says good Christian marriages walk on the wild side.” 7:30 a.m. PT 4 Dec 2006. MSNBC.com. 1 Feb. 2007 .

Allen, Mark. “Every Guy’s Struggle.” Campus Life Magazine. March/April 2003. ChristianityToday.com. 1 Feb. 2007 .

Appeal for Donation. 2000. Eds. Fr. Frank Pavone and David Perkins. Lovematters.com. 1 Feb 2007 <http://www.lovematters.com>.

Barthes, Roland. Mythologies. Trans. by Annette Lavers. New York: Hill and Wang, 1972. 68-70.

“Bible Answers: What does the Bible Say About Fornication?” © 1995-2005. Bible.com. 1 Feb. 2007 .

Holt, Lester. “Sexploration columnist Brian Alexander and preacher Joe Beam talk to NBC's Lester Holt about lovemaking lessons from the Bible.” 16 Sept. 2006. MSNBC.com. 1 Feb. 2007 .

James, Steven. “Dangerous Current.” Campus Life Magazine. June/July 2004. ChristianityToday.com. 1 Feb. 2007 .

Penner, Dr. Clifford and Joyce Penner, R.N. Interview. “Show 209 Transcript: Who Needs Sex Therapy?” By Dr. Paul Abramson, Dr. Vern Bullough, and Dr. Sherwin (Shep) Nulland. 2000. Closer to Truth. 1 Feb. 2007 .

“Sex is Awesome! (Unless you are...).” 2000. Eds. Fr. Frank Pavone and David Perkins. Lovematters.com. 1 Feb 2007 <http://www.lovematters.com/awesome.htm>.

Thompson, Renee (*name was changed). “My Struggle with Lust.” Campus Life Magazine. June/July 2006. ChristianityToday.com. 1 Feb. 2007 .

Vatican, The. “Declaration on Sexual Ethics.” Analyzing Moral Issues, 3^rd Edition. Ed. Judith A. Boss. Boston: McGraw-Hill, 2005. 364-368.

Childhood

I think I was talking to Justine when this story came out...and it wasn't until I verbalized it that I realized that I had a bizarre childhood.

As I child I really enjoyed sniffing certain chemicals. Like sharpies, rubber cement, nail polish remover...you know, the usual. One day my mom came into the bathroom and saw me sniffing something or other and she like FLIPPED because apparently that's not normal.

I wasn't trying to get high or anything. I just thought they smelled good.

Apparently this is not ok.

Which reminds me. Why weren't they marked with those neon green Mr. Yuck stickers? I never sniffed the bottles marked with Mr. Yuck. Cuz that meant they were yucky.

Reasons

Because I can't control my heart.
Because I love music.

when pain turns to years
it goes away
a memory far gone
so bitter sweet
and sweet it is, it is, to taste recovery
the loss of my friend

and why haunts this hunger
to love her
my ship set its sail
a long time ago
and my mind has said its farewell
and my lips have declared "it's time"
but my heart cannot say its goodbye

now it's only in my dreams
that i've been there
her eyes so in love
her kiss so real
now if only i could stay
and dream a while
if a dream lasts a lifetime

my ship's set its sail
but still at shore
my heart cannot say its goodbye

__Shane and Shane

Because my fortune cookie said, "You will win favors when you expand your social circle."
Because I ate the food before the cookie.

It's like I have cancer. And I know that the chemotherapy is going to work--like I saw a vision of the future and I know I'm going to get healed. But it still hurts. I trust in God. I know He's going to bring me healing. I am confident in that. But that doesn't take away the pain that is right now.

Because I'm not in control.

Rest. Rest.

"Seeking Suzuki's Zen" or "What it Sounds Like When Meredith BS's a Paper"

Prompt: explain why the West found Suzuki's ideas about Zen so compelling.

Estimated Time Spent Writing: < 1 hour.

Estimated Grade for my Pass/No Pass Art History Class: Definately Pass.

We live today in an age of cultural awareness. Whether accurate or not, most Americans try to be understanding and knowledgeable about the ways of other people groups. Not only does it make us feel smarter, and therefore more powerful since “knowledge is power,” Americans are known for spiritual diversity, especially since recent trends in Hollywood and elsewhere encourage people to seek out and develop their own patchwork religion. In the early 20^th century, the first ideas about Zen were promoted by several missionaries from Japan to the West. One of the foremost writers and proponents of Zen was a man by the name of Suzuki Diasetsu. While his ideas were not especially well-read in Japan, those in the Occident devoured his teachings, as their desire to learn about Zen and incorporate it into their lives, grew.

In a culture steeped in the Christian tradition, the Zen ideas Suzuki presented about enlightenment seemed like an easy way to achieve understanding. Sharf explains in his essay that the beauty of Buddhism is that it adjusts for all types of adherents (145), which means that Christians in the west could adapt the ideas of Zen in order to compliment their own religious views. One of the common frustrations about the Bible is that Jesus himself, along with many of the book’s writers, explains that there are certain aspects of God that the world may never understand. Even for those interested in pastoring a church, a typical seminary education requires three years of study as a masters program, following the expected four year college career. These exceptionally educated persons must devote a significant portion of their lives to the study of the Bible in order to understand it. So for a lay person, this type of “religious mysticism” is certainly compelling. And if Zen is truly “the foundation for all authentic religious insight” (Sharf 127), understanding it would certainly be beneficial.

Psychologically, Zen seems even more attractive toward the latter part of Suzuki’s career as he begins to argue that Zen is a uniquely Japanese idea. Though he knows that the origins of Zen are from China, Suzuki explains that there is something inherently “Zen” in the way of life of the Japanese (Sharf 128). In this way, he presents the Japanese as the Jews of Buddhism, the “chosen people” of Zen. In this West, this denunciation of their ability to understand Eastern concepts would provide further reason to examine and master Zen ideas—if for no other reason than to prove their adequacy at obtaining knowledge.

Innately prideful, the West clamors for understanding of Zen to boost their own spiritual and intellectual standing. For example, explaining Japanese gardens in terms of Zen is just one way to solidify the parameters of Japanese culture, to fit the Orient into an explainable box of information to be consumed by the West. In fact, many of the arts of Japan are critiqued in terms of Zen. This is not necessarily because they are inherently purposed by their creators as expressions of Zen philosophy, but because at some point, someone found enlightenment through these vessels and decided to share that knowledge with others. Loraine Cup’s interpretation of the garden at Nioyanji is a good example of this, as she describes the groupings of rocks as a “sermon in stone” which expresses the harmony of the universe (Sharf 134 and lecture notes, part two). In actuality, this is remarkably similar to someone from the Christian faith defining a literary character as a “Christ figure.” While this may not be the intent of the author, a person of faith may take notice of certain characteristics that remind him or her of the person of Jesus from the Bible. Likewise, those who view the world through Zen-colored glasses may read their philosophy into a work of art. In the same way, a Western culture trying to understand their Japanese neighbors would find it easier to appreciate Japanese art if they could explain it in terms of a philosophical or religious view. In this way, Westerners do not feel artistically inept but can appreciate work that they cannot really understand, explaining it in terms of a lovely expression of religious views.

Certainly, it is easy to understand the Western obsession with Zen, as it seems to fit neatly into their desire for further knowledge and understanding about the world around us. Even if Americans did not “acknowledge the ideological and rhetorical dimensions of the Zen of men like Suzuki” (Sharf 145), their desire to relate to other cultures, though less-than-admirably motivated, resulted in the diffusion of Oriental ideas like those of Suzuki Daisetsu.

My Dreams Are on Acid

I don't even know where to begin...I had the MOST BIZARRE dream of my life last night. I mean...it just kept going and going and there were sooo many weird aspects to it that I just feel the need to share it with the world.

Where to begin...I think everything started out at church. I began to volunteer with the middle school group (which contrary to the state of Shoreline, involved like 60 kids) and they were talking about taking a missions trip of sorts...except once we got over there (unidentified European country) it was only like normal people from Shoreline and a bunch of people from my high school and some people from SC.

So the first section of interest involves a boy that we will call Jake. In real life, Jake is someone that I have previously crushed on, but who is off limits now that I know that a friend of mine likes him. So Jake and I are hanging out in the lake while the guy I currently have a thing for (see footnote) is watching us. Out of anger and spite at our observer (who I clearly have a right to be mad at solely for the sake that he doesn't like me...yeah I'm retarded) and because I can feel a definite attraction between Jake and I, things start to get really flirty between us in that kind of childlike, but really cute way where you're kind of mean in a playful way. So eventually some sort of concert thing starts up and the speaker wants me to participate in something so I have to swim up to the edge of the stage for this, which is kind of difficult because the water is deep and there isn't much to hang on to. So Jake follows me up so he can help me not to drown, which is not only a darling gesture but is especially gag-bag-cute because he has his arms around me holding me up. Eventually we quit paying attention (because my participatory part is over) and I notice he has this ring on that I think is really pretty, which I say, and he asks me if I want to wear it (aww...how fifties...). Eventually we head back to the hotel where we're staying, which is where we run into said friend who likes him and I kind of feel bad because Jake is trying to act sort of couply with me--which is irritating on one level because he hasn't said anything to me about wanting to take me out or how he likes me...nothing that would insinuate a semblance of commitment--but would still be kind of cute if it weren't for Friend, whose feelings I may be hurting. End of section one.

The next part of the dream was about my Aunt Shelly and cousin Natalie. While we are in this unnamed country, Natalie starts to work for some spy company, which isn't too much of an issue until the government wants her to work for them--then the spy people realize that she's working for both of them and start flipping out and try to kill her. There is also a small, very cute cat involved. So Spy Company tries to shoot Natalie with a tranquilizer dart and Shelly, her mom, runs with Natalie to avoid the incoming fire. They almost escape the hit, but it manages to catch Shelly on the hand. She collapses into dead weight and Natalie hits her head and gets knocked out. Thankfully in this part of the dream I get to be the hero instead of the mushy damsel and I wake Natalie just enough to get her to follow me to safety...and I carry my Aunt Shelly who is thankfully small. All the while, my parents, sister and brother are off on a side vacation and can't come help, so it's up to me to arrange for us to flee the country, which isn't Spain, but they speak Spanish. Thankfully, I remember some Spanish from high school, so I am able to talk to some of the girls from camp (I think the mission trip resembles Sprachcamp a bit in that we are semi-responsible for some native kids) and a lady at the train station about our situation. Still I have to pay normal fare for the train for the three of us--Natalie who sneaks onto the train out of plain view of any Spies that might be watching her, and Shelly who is still unconscious, who I drag into place. I grab some supplies and am accompanied by a few girls from camp who I semi-successfully speak to in their broken English and my broken Spanish (which includes some random German because I forget that those words are from German and not Spanish). Alas, we speed away to our new unnamed location without trouble. Natalie has the cat and no one sees us...the only downside is that I have to sit next to Hitler on the train.

Part Three: We are at our new hotel of sorts and Natalie, the cat, and Shelly are safe and not involved in the rest of the story. I am sharing a room with Hitler and two other girls. Hitler kind of scares me. I want some candles, but he is anti-candle, but I am able to sneak them in anyway. Ha Hitler--take that. Still, I am trying to be friendly and I make an attempt at conversation. I say "Guten Morgen" to him, which I mistake for the Spanish greeting, "Buenas Dias" and he is kind of angry that I used German because everyone here speaks Spanish and German just reminds him of his unhappy past. I explain my problem with confusing the languages and he is kind of understanding, for a dictator. Then, I go downstairs with some of my friends to attend a party where I stumble upon a huge liquor cabinet filled only with Jagermeister. So I insist that we all take shots of Jager to toast the evening. As I'm pouring the glasses, the smell alone starts to make me kind of tipsy, which I'm a little worried about because I'd prefer not to get myself drunk in a strange country around a bunch of people I don't really know. We all take shots, even one of my friends who I know is anti-alcohol and I think for a moment that I have been a bad influence and she is only drinking out of peer-pressure. Then, my childhood friend, Carly, offers everyone a tray of cocaine lines and a straw: "Anyone want to do a line with me?" She asks this with the same sense of normality that I had asked if anyone wanted to do shots with me...because clearly cocaine and alcohol are equally normal things to intake at a party. All of a sudden, people begin to hide because Hitler is coming and he doesn't like parties. A game of cat and mouse ensues and it's really dramatic. I head back to my room where I run into a friend of mine from high school (who I was never interested in) who I'll call Ralph. I get to the top of the stairs and he is flirting with me and playfully pushes me but I go tumbling down the stairs. I catch the banister half-way down and manage not to die, but I am a bit beat up and weak. I call to Ralph for help and he is mortified that he accidentally hurt me. He helps pull me up the stairs and we get to the top and the tension gets sexual really fast which is super awkward now that I think about it, but wasn't at the time. So now I kind of have a thing for Ralph and I think that Jake walks by at some point and is kind of Charlie Brown sad, but I'm not sympathetic because the stupid kid never officially tried to ask me out or suggest that we have some sort of relationship so it's his own fault. Then at some point Ralph goes away and an untouchable crush, we're calling Mike, from my Senior year hits on me in a really gross way, suggesting that since I had a thing with Ralph apparently he thought that he could have me too. Like I'm some sort of slut to be passed around and I'm totally grossed out by Mike and pissed that he would make that suggestion, so even though I would have been all about that four years ago, I tell him to take a hike...in so many words. I think he only hits on me because at this point there are not that many girls around and it's been a long summer trip. Anyways, the boys are gone for a while and Hitler comes in and we have a nice little chat about all of his wives. Like the one that he married but got tired of so now his son is married to her. And about how a bunch of girls he marries (or his sons marry) are like 2 or 3 years old because there aren't laws against it in that country. Somehow he looks kind of like Fidel Castro, but I manage to avoid a slip of the tongue where I call him Fidel. And I hope to God that he doesn't think that I am going to be joining the ranks as wifey.

Now for the beach scene: We're having a beach excursion and I'm learning to surf, which is quite amusing because I have my board and after a ridiculous struggle of swimming past where the waves break, I am ready to start the long surf back in. So I hit my first wave and I am on my feet but I go flying through the air over the top of the wave instead of riding it and I fly for a good couple of seconds before I hit the water again...after the break. Then I hit a second one, but the same thing happens. When I get to shore I try to explain this to my friend-turned-surf-teacher but he wasn't watching me so he can't be of much help. I take a break to go help the other girls who are preparing dinner. One of them looks disgusted by the pile of turkey bones left over after they've carved off the meat and asks me to dispose of it. So I take the turkey remains to the garbage disposal in the little hut nearby and I notice that there is a lot of turkey that they missed (stupid non-southern girls) and I have to salvage the rest of the meat so we don't look like wasteful Americans to our native friends. I try to put the cleaned bones down the garbage disposal and turn the nob on the sink, but it doesn't actually start to chop things...it only makes a weird spinning noise, so I think maybe it's broken. Then I press the red button marked "garbage disposal" (funny it's not in Spanish like everything else here...probably because subconscious Meredith doesn't know those words in Spanish) and a flashing light appears on the side of the building. I realize that it's a call button for the lady in the main house who will come out to open the cabinet drawers under the sink and sweep out the sink garbage. I realize that we need to chop the onions and tomatoes and go into the other cabinets for a knife and the rest of the tomatoes. Unfortunately, the blackout shudders inside the cabinets are already closed and it's kind of difficult to reach under them, but I manage.

I think that's about when I woke up. For those of you who didn't already think I was crazy, now you have solid confirmation. Please don't judge me.

As always, comments, mocking, and interpretation suggestions are welcome...BUT--those of you who think you might know who certain unnamed individuals are MAY NOT guess at them, remembering that there is a chance that such individuals might read my blog. Your cooperation is appreciated :)


Footnote: Fortunately said boy is not important enough in this story to get a pseudonym, which brings me to my current rant about how I HATE when I dream about a guy that I like because during the day, I do pretty good at redirecting my thoughts when I am tempted to daydream about him, remembering that God is my first and best love, but dreaming is unfair because I have no control over that. Cosmic joke. Thanks, God.